Struggles within our personal lives, whether it be our past, present or future cause us uncertainty and disrupt the natural flow that we should just go along with. Instead of just enjoying the company of each other, or appreciating the little things we are given each and every day- we sometimes project our own problems on to other people. Nobody is perfect by any means and I am an example of this. I have a troubled past that haunts me each and every day. As I'm sure everyone knows I dabbled in drugs, STILL struggle with alcohol and have huge abandonment issues. Girls from my past have ruined me. I have walked in on people who were supposed to love me sleeping with other men. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of pain. So in turn I feel like no woman that comes my way could ever possibly be a real "good" girl and I treat them (Kaiti) as if it's only a matter of time before she lets me down. That's not fair and I know this. I need to learn to let that go. THAT was my past. Today I stare down the barrel of a shotgun, constantly pressured to make ends meet. Because of the stress I cannot be myself. I was doing so well being sober and I was very happy and I felt great everyday. But somehow I found myself right back in the thick of it again. It is incredible how I lose my entire self through this. It effects everyone around me. It's something I am working on and I hope to get completely clean someday soon. I've heard that people say what they mean when they are drunk. But I'll tell you what, I can't remember ever waking up and saying, "Man I'm glad I said that last night to her." Alcohol makes you invincible. Period. You do not care who you hurt or what you say as long as you are right. You almost need to say something derogatory to get that reaction and satisfaction that you are looking for. Our present right now is uncertain. The only thing that I know for sure today is that I love this woman. That's what I know TODAY. I know that for the past 5+ years I have loved this one and only woman. But I am learning today, and every day from here on out that I have a lot of work to do. WE have a lot of work to do. We are very passionate about each other. So much so that we tend to hurt each other as much as we can. I do not hate her. She does not hate me. But when we fight- we hate each other. Not really, but we'll say it. We'll tell the people closest to us just how much we hate each other and it creates these alliances. So now Kaiti will have her family bashing me, and I'll have my family bashing her and everyone is giving us advice on what to do and blah, blah, blah. We love hard and we fight even harder. But if there was no love, there would be no care. It would just be easy to not give a hell about her and let her do whatever she wanted but it wouldn't be right. I do care about her. When I look at her I am in complete love and I feel so at peace. We have fit together so well since day 1 and she is without a doubt my very best friend. I seek comfort in her and I truly do trust her. I haven't let that show however. Instead of just focusing on myself and what I need to be doing, I get caught up in what she's doing all the time. I now will vow to just let her be herself. She can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. I have no choice but to just let her make her own choices. I know she won't hurt me. If I focus too much on the past and not the present then surely there will be no future. I am working on that as well. Kaiti is severely depressed and she can get in these moods where life just flat out sucks. I believe it got the worst when her friend passed. It has been a trying time for her and at times I have not let her heal properly. Lets just say I have picked that scab before. But at the same time it felt to me like his passing was being taken out on me daily. Maybe I was just being selfish but at the time I just wanted some attention that Kaiti was unable to give me. But I believe I have gotten much better lately with that issue. Most of Kaitis friends are out of town and she finds it hard to be happy without having a real friend close by that she can go to whenever she wants or just to hang out with. She is stuck in this house all week long and I don't know what to do about it. It's not what I want for her. But her friend does move back in March and I really hope that will ease some of her stress. There are several small issues that we are dealing with as a family but they are not irreconcilable. They are fixable. Bridges have been burnt. But they will be rebuilt. Words have been said. But they will be forgiven. Plans have been made and they will be followed through on. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is so much better when we are together. Not a day goes by that I am not in love with her and I know she loves me just as much. We will get better in time. Through patience, understanding, forgiveness and most of all togetherness. Kaiti and I know where we belong. Every time she pulls me close to her, or steps in my way to steal a kiss. Every night when we fall asleep in each others grasp and i run my fingers through her hair. Every kiss on the forehead. Every backscratching. Every smile and every laugh. We know everything about each other and I promise you that we are very much in love. So to all of you I say this, and I believe Kaiti is doing the same thing. No longer will I voice displeasure to anyone about anything that happens between my wife and I. It is nobodys problem but ours and we will deal with it from within. I believe that has been our biggest flaw. There are bridges that need to be rebuilt and we will get back to where we were. Wish us the best. We love you all!!!
How do I put the pieces of my life back together? What do I do with those misshapen parts of myself, the parts that are old, frayed and tattered?
Recovery is the art of making order out of chaos. A person making beautiful patchwork quilts looks at many different shapes of material and puts them together to form a work of art. A quilter will not use every piece, nor will a quilter throw odd shapes away as unfit. An artist will examine each piece to determine whether it will enhance the overall beauty of the final design.
As an alcoholic, I become impatient with my own healing process. I want to get rid of all the nasty parts of myself...NOW. Any imperfect piece I want to dispose of immediately.
Let me take a lesson from the quiltmaker. I will examine all parts of myself before I make decisions to "keep" or "throw out". Who I am is all I have to work with. There is no need to rip myself apart and start over.
With love and patience, I am learning to make order out of my personal chaos. A work of art is in the making.
This last month has been awfully draining. I have come to many forks in the road and have taken the wrong one more often than not. After being clean for a little while, I slipped right back into my addiction. It's not an excuse for the way I've been behaving, but it is truly the reason. Alcohol makes me invincible. It's a great feeling to be carefree for awhile, especially when the stress of money and work press on my shoulders every day. I like to hang out at the bar with my friends and just let go. It's fun to me. But it's not casual drinking, and it's not in moderation. I can't keep it to a few drinks. I fill myself to the top until I can't drink another drop. This drinking has cost me a lot lately. A lot of money, time and most importantly, my wife.
I want to clear something up. This is MY fault. I have been sitting here thinking and thinking and it is clear to me. I love you all very much and appreciate your support but I need to say that I want nobody to have hard feelings towards Kaiti. I did this to myself.
Kaiti has put up with more than she's ever really had to. She is my best friend in the world and we have had way more good times than bad, but it's the bad times that stick out for some reason. We have been growing old together and raising our beautiful children the best way we know how.
She has always been there for me when I really need her and we make each other laugh. She's my support. My birthday was screwed up because I had to go and get drunk and run my mouth and hurt her feelings. I don't blame her for not wanting to be around. I'm a mess.
She's truly a good girl and I will spend the rest of my life loving her. I understand that she doesn't love me anymore because I'm not Micah these days. I don't know who I am anymore really. I am hungover as I write this. I don't even want to look at myself. I'm the reason we are seperating.
She wants some time away to get her stuff together. That's just the way it is. We told each other that it's not forever. Not yet. She said I could take her on dates and I could still make love to her. This has nothing to do with another guy. I just screwed up. Over and over and over. We are best friends and we will continue to be throughout this hard time.
I am going to AA meetings soon. I am awaiting a call from The Freedom Center to set up my treatment. I am excited to get well and get back to basics.
I want to get to know Kaiti. I want to show her who I really am and not put her through this hell. I want to get dressed up and take her out on the town or make her a nice candlelit dinner. I want to take her dancing. I want to show her that I can be a better man.
This is going to be a very difficult time for me as I fight to get clean and fight for my family and I appreciate everyones kind words. It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is.
It's not forever. Hopefully. I can no longer expect her to love me when I don't even love myself. But I CAN get better. I'm sorry for all the things I have said about Kaiti to you all. She's a great girl. Pray for us.
It has been a long time since I have posted anything. It's not that nothing has been happening, because believe me a lot has. We have gone to the museum and the fun park and everything. Things have been great.
Until a couple of days ago.
Kaiti was all set to attend her graduation ceremony from PIMA Medical School on Friday. Her father was in town to be in attendance and we were all so excited to watch her walk up on stage to receive her diploma. She received a phone call early that day from her old friend. She was informed that her best friend was hospitalized and the outlook wasn't so good.
David Holland has been in my wife's life for over 10 years and he was an outstanding guy. He is the Godfather of both of our children and the best friend Kaiti has ever had. He was hardworking. He was kind. He was GREAT with McKenzee, Madden and Mari. He was family. He would call sometimes for Kaiti and I would end up talking to him for long periods about football and we would always make plans to get together and BBQ and watch the game. He took care of my wife when she was down. He was her go to guy. In all the time they knew each other they didn't fight once. They were very close.
David had a problem though. Almost like the demons I had in my past. I struggled for a long time with drugs. Mainly heroine and Meth. I'm still not sure how I escaped the grip of them, but I did. Maybe it was when I got the call from Mom when she wasn't doing well and I had to leave the state and come to Colorado. David's demon was pills. It was bad. Kaiti had expressed to me her concern before. But it's only pills, right?
Recently, Kaiti had gone to his mother and expressed her concern which resulted in him moving back into his parents house so he could get clean. He was doing so well there. He was fixing himself and everything was great. When Kaiti would talk to him she would always relay the message of how well he was getting.
But this night, he must have been lonely.....desperate....couldn't sleep. Late on Thursday night he recieved a phone call from a "friend" telling him she had some really strong Oxycontin. He invited her down to Colorado Springs from Denver. She jumped at it.
He took two.
The next morning they tried to wake him up for work but he wouldn't wake up. They figured he was just hungover or something and let him sleep.
It wasn't until later that they realized he wasn't breathing. He was hospitalized in ICU. The machine breathed for him. He showed very little sign of waking up, but he wrapped his pinkie around Kaiti's finger when she tried to hold his hand. His eye opened for a minute but it was a blank stare.
His body stiffened like he was having quick seizures. His wrist twisted with a half fist showing sure signs of brain trauma. They gave him a 2% chance of waking up.
But he's David. He's a strong man and it's way too early for him to go. I tried my hardest to stay positive. I got angry with Kaiti when she'd cry saying, "He's gonna wake up." I just had to believe that he would be OK.
Not yet...not yet...not now.....
Sunday morning comes and the phone rings early. I answer, mostly asleep, and the lady on the other end asks for Kaiti. I knew it then. I handed Kaiti the phone and she declined, still asleep herself. I said, "Kaiti, I think you ought to take this." Not more than 10 seconds later....it was to be. David had passed.
It just doesn't make sense to me. With all the shit that walks this earth, WHY? My poor angel has to live each day now without her best friend. When we first got the news he was in the hospital, we were with some friends. One of them works in a hospital and he described the things he has to see. Seeing people die. Daily. He texted his boyfriend one night just to say, "I hate it when they die. I love you."
I just don't get why she keeps losing people. She doesn't deserve to be so sad and it breaks my heart because all I strive to do in my life is to see her happy. I don't care about anything else. I would do anything for her. But to see her shattered and not know how to put her together again is the most defeated feeling I've ever felt.
I understand the reality of death. I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. But losing someone is always difficult. Especially your best friend. Never before has it been more clear to me that I should (and will) tell my children and Kaiti how much I love them and appreciate them everyday. Tomorrow is too late. We have buried her aunt Kelly, her uncle James and now her best friend David. It's been happening too often. I just look at her and taer up knowing the pain she's endured lately. It's always something. I don't know what else to say but-
It makes me so happy as a husband to announce that my little bride is currently finishing her last day of school today. I am so proud of my Kaiti that I don't know how to put it into words. She has so much potential and has blown me away with how smart she is. I tried to help her with her homework, but honestly, it was a bit much for me. It just made sense to her. The amount of abbreviations you have to learn is in the thousands and she just memorized them like it was nothing. We're talking about a girl who suffered a serious brain injury not too long ago and has had trouble remembering anything, even things that happened recently. A girl who would tell you the same story several times because she doesn't remember telling you already. A girl who would tell me she wanted to see a movie...that we already saw in the theater. But it's a girl who is so motivated to do good for herself and dedicated to proving everyone wrong. She is a role model to me. I remember in the past years how sad she was all the time. She just felt like she wasn't going to be able to reach her full potential. She had to drop out of school after her car accident and was at a stalemate in her life. Staying home everyday taking care of the children and not doing much else with her life to make HER happy. I believed in my girl when I mustered up the money to send her off to get her GED (which she aced), I believed in my girl when she enrolled in school the very next day, and I believe in my girl today, as she will graduate with a whopping 3.9 GPA. She's the first in her family to graduate from college. I AM SO VERY HAPPY AND PROUD OF YOU, KAITLIN. YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND YOU CONTINUE TO AMAZE ME. CONGRATULATIONS BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry I haven't been around as much as I'd like, but I am having real trouble with my mouth. I got two more teeth pulled, and it was miserable. It wouldn't be so bad if they were "teeth" instead of shards that have been shifting around under my gums. None of these "teeth" have come out easy. These ones required stitches. I still have to have 4 or 5 more pulled. I am going to have no teeth left. But the dentist has a plan for me so whatever. I can barely focus on the computer screen right now from the throbbing going on in my face. What's worse is another of my bad "teeth" has become absesce today. I am still not healed from my first dentist appointment either. Dr. Smart (my dentist) says it's because they had to remove bone from my jaw and that takes longer to heal. Plus there are still root tips embedded into the sawed-down jawbone. I can't even tell you the pain I'm in. I originally wanted to just knock it out quick, but I'm gonna take it easy for a little and really heal what's been done so far before I do my next visit. It's causing me too many problems and I have missed too much work. Oh yeah, and when I got my fillings done, the dental assistant couldn't get the proper bite for one of my teeth, so now my bite is off and it hurts to close my mouth because one tooth feels much taller than the rest. I need to get that fixed somehow.
I will try to keep up with everyone as best as I can. Sorry I'm a big whiner.
I just got back from the dentist and I am in some serious pain. The tooth they took out couldn't be fully removed. The root tips are curled up into my jawbone. My dentist took some bone off to try to get as much as she could and then said "Not even an oral surgeon would go after the rest of that." I got four fillings also. The cavities were pretty deep so it made for an even more miserable time. I asked for the metal fillings, but they gave me the plastic ones. I also got some periodontic work done on the bottom right quadrant of my mouth. They cleaned it up pretty good. You never really know how bad your mouth situation is until you have a dentist prodding around in there. So, I am in some major pain, waiting for this Vicodin to kick in and it is off to bed for me. One quadrant done, $800 down. Three more to go. I haven't even got the major stuff done yet and I already wanna quit. The dentist assured me that the worst of it was over, judging by the x-rays. I hope that's true. This is going to be a heck of a process
I just wanted to tell everyone how scared I am of tomorrow. It is part one of what is destined to be a LONG series of terrible dentist visits. Tomorrow I begin with the biggest trouble tooth. It is a molar on the bottom that no longer really exists. Just a few roots poking through the gums. They have to cut the gums open, drill through the center to crack it into three and then pull each root out one-by-one. Then they get to stitch the gums back up. I am also getting four fillings. I am not excited at all. I'll be happy when it's all finished but as of now....I'm terrified. I'll update you all tomorrow.
Two weeks down. Sober and smoke free. I really think I can kick this thing. It's definately not easy though. We move forward.
Anyway, I start doing my teeth work in about a week and a half. I am very excited. I hate my teeth. At least my molars and wisdom teeth. I can't wait to have some pearly whites. I'm not looking forward to the pain though.
Kaiti and I have a tasting party to go to on Saturday at Mt Vernon so we can choose what food we will have at our wedding. It's also a cake tasting, but Hannah is doing the cake, so we'll just amuse them and eat it anyway. I'm very excited for the wedding. I can't wait to see Kaiti in her dress. She is such a knockout. I think since I have started taking myself seriously, I have fallen so much further in love with her because of what I've put her through. She has always been there for me and she is very strong. She's my absolute best friend.
Mom and David get here tomorrow. That will be a nice treat. I haven't seen them in what seems like forever and I can't wait. Maybe they can attend the tasting party.
Jonahs birthday is Thursday. The baby is getting so old. He has grown up alot. If you compared him to how he was a couple of years ago it's like night and day. He's very in love too.
Our lease runs up on March 31st. We know that we want something bigger so the kids can have some space, but we have been kicking around this idea of moving to Georgia next year so we can be closer to Kaitis dad and stepmom. I miss the eastcoast and the ocean and yes, Jersey. This way I'd be closer to the ocean as well. Nothing against you, Momma, I know there's ocean there too, but I am terrified of earthquakes (and traffic). Anyway, back to my point. We don't know if we should just stick it out here and re-sign for one more year or if we should start over in a new place just to move again in a year. Personally, I think if we could just keep this place clean then it's plenty big for the time being. It's a bit crowded, but we would have to pay around $200 more per month for a 3 bedroom. I am sickened by our carpet here also. It literally makes me nauseous walking on it barefoot. It's way past cleaning. I have to go talk to the office about it. I think if they will replace our carpet, then we should stay and save up. Also, they are offering a cruise for two on Carnival if you re-sign a year lease. That would be great. Just as long as we don't end up in the middle of the ocean like those poor football players. What would y'all do? Stay? Move?
So, I watch alot of YouTube. It's probably my favorite website besides ESPN. I love watching funny videos and music videos especially. There's a few that I really like right now and I decided to share them with you.
ADELE- CHASING PAVEMENTS
I wasn't a big fan of the song on the radio, but when I saw the video, I was amazed. It's very clever. A couple dies in a car accident and relives their relationship from start to finish. I just like it.
SECONDHAND SERENADE- YOUR CALL
I really love the visualization in this. And that line: "I was born to tell you I love you". That's how I feel about Kaiti.
It's a cool video. Plus, on some show I was watching, the band was talking about the video and they said something that has stuck with me for some reason. They said the main message is- "If you were to die today- what would that mean?" If you think about it, it's pretty deep and it makes me want to live and be a better person.
Anyway, I have to go clean the house. Then I have to go serve 75 seniors who are having a retirement party. Who retires anymore anyway?
Well, today is my one week anniversary of sobriety. Not only have I not had a lick of alcohol but I have also not had even a drag of a cigarette. It feels good. I just feel so much better. As for my teeth, I was unable to find any help getting CareCredit, so I will just deal with the pain and wait it out until I can get my credit back to normal. It jumped from 517 to 570 this month and I am making more progress so it should jump higher next month as well. I am really trying my hardest to get well and be a good person.
Well, I went to the dentist today and got the rundown. I guess after insurance and everything it is going to cost me $4855. On one hand that's a lot, but on the other hand I was really expecting it to be more like $20,000. My friend had his teeth all fixed and it cost him $14,000 and I know a guy who paid almost $30,000. So, all of my fronts are just fine (6 on top, 12 on bottom), but all of my wisdom teeth have to go. There are about 4 other teeth that need to go. Luckily on three sides I have enough teeth left or savable that she can bridge my top right, but I will need an implant on the top left to bridge that side. No big deal. My first real appointment is on Monday but I'm probably going to have to miss it because without CareCredit I have to pay the cost upfront. How is it that I can go to the hospital and get major surgery or whatever and they can just bill me, but when it comes to dental it's PAY NOW. It's stupid. More people would get their teeth fixed if they could just make payments. It's frustrating. I have my mind set on getting better. I still haven't smoked or drank and I am feeling SO good and positive. I have lost almost 10 pounds this week. I drink homemade fruit smoothies for breakfast and lunch (they are SO good and filling) and I have a good dinner. I have been working out like crazy even making a workout journal to keep track of my non-Wii progress and my diet and I am even enrolling in The University of Phoenix to take online classes in either IT Networking OR Human Services. Things are going great. All I need is a co-signer. No money or anything. Just a co-signer to help me get CareCredit. They say it will come down to $116/ month payments for everything to get done. If anyone could help that would be the greatest gift of all.
Guess whos teeth are acting up now? Kaiti's. It wasn't enough that I have been up for the past three nights moaning and groaning, now Kaiti is in major pain. I gave her a Vicodin but it didn't help much. I got up early this morning, put the kids in the car and headed out to Comfort Dental again. My mouth was on fire because I couldn't take a pain killer before we left because I would've crashed the car. Painkillers and me, we're friends and all, but we don't do too much besides sleep. So we get there and I'm corralling the kids while Kaiti is being attended to. Now, I thought I hated the dentist. Kaiti HATES the dentist. I don't mind the extractions and drills and things like that, but keep that little scraper away from me. Stop puncturing me teeth and ripping up my gums. So, they gave Kaiti the option of a root canal for $1200 or an extraction for $125. She decided on the extraction after we both failed the application for CareCredit. She started to have an anxiety attack and the dentist turned into a real "donkey". He tried to just ram the needle into her mouth and she was like, "hold up!". He was rude, gave her a referral and a prescription and then mocked her for not being able to pay for the root canal. We left and will never go back to that office. I had a different experience at another Comfort Dental that was very pleasant and the dentist and assistants really seemed to care and were sensitive to my needs. I would have taken her there but the insurance that I just got wasn't good there and I was going to have to find another office anyway. Long story short: I came home, ditched my current insurance and signed us both up for Careington Dental which is accepted by the Comfort Dental I originally went to. I have to get an extraction tomorrow as long as this swelling is gone by then and we will set Kaiti up for a root canal that will cost her $221 under this insurance. Oh, and I have to miss work again. These next two weeks are going to be exciting.
Life sure is complicated. I had to miss work last night because of the condition of my mouth and face and today is worse. I have been up all night and my face this morning looks like I have a softball in my cheek. Not good. So it looks like another day off for me. This sucks.
Enough is enough. Since I have been drinking at a MUCH slower pace, like once or twice a week, my teeth have been screwing with me. They have always been bad but as long as I'm drinking, they are happy. I have been having toothache after toothache recently and it's just been getting worse. I hate my teeth. The fronts aren't too bad but the backs are just a whole cluster of roots and shards and I am done with it. So, my mouth started swelling today and usually if I have a beer, the swelling goes away. But I'm feeling like a new Micah these days. I am so determined to be smokin' hot for myself and my beautiful wife that I decided that now is the time. I have 7 months to get right. That's plenty of time as long as I'm doing it the right way. So I went to Comfort Dental and for $19 they did a very extensive review of my mouth, X-Rays and all. I was prescribed the usual (Amoxicillin and Vicodin) and a medicated mouthwash to help fix my periodontal gum disease. I go back on Saturday morning to get at least one extraction and to go over my personalized plan that my dentist is preparing for me tonight. She said the bottoms can be salvaged but I'll probably have to have 5 more extractions. So, Bridges and crowns and root canals and even implants are in the near future. I'm over it. I don't care about the pain anymore. I just want to be normal again. On the workout front, I recieved my Mario Lopez Knock-Out Fitness book today as well as my Men's Health workout video that came with my subscription. So that's exciting. I'm telling you that the old Micah is history. I haven't even smoked a single cigarette in 2 days. That's a start. I'll keep you all updated.
So I went without exercise for 6 days because there has been a lot going on and when I stepped onto my Wii this morning I had gained 2 pounds. I guess that's no big surprise though. I was eating alot, and there was Valentines day at the Cheesecake factory.
We definately took advantage of that delicious food. The bill was the only unappetizing thing at the place. Oh, and the 2 hour wait to get a table. But once we got sat it was on. It was Jonah and Jen and Kaiti-bean and me. We started out with some scrumptuos lettuce wraps and Buffalo snackers. Then we each had a ceasar salad(except Kaiti had a plain ol' house salad). After that we had our main course. Kaiti had a combo of Steak Diane and Jumbo Shrimp, I had Orange Chicken, Jonah had some steak concoction and Jen had a Skirt steak or something. For dessert, Kaiti and I had the Tuxedo cheesecake and Jonah and Jen got the Cookie Dough Cheesecake. Man it was good. BUT, fattening.
So I took a step backwards.
I am still having trouble with booze, but I am finding that I can go days without it now. I hope to be beer free soon. I'm not making any excuses but before I would drink every chance I had. If I got off at 11:55 and the liquor store was still open, I'd be there. If I had the day off, I was drinking. I'm getting alot better at coming home and getting into bed with my wife and actually spending time with them on my days off. It's just going to take time. But come wedding time, I will be a new man.
Like I said in my last post, Kaiti and I have decided on October 3rd, 2009 as our wedding date. It's on a Saturday and the ceremony will be early. Like 11 AM or so. That way, the Country Club waives the $1800 room and site fee. We wanted October because we are both in love with the colors of Autumn and the way the trees look and the leaves skipping across the street and the brisk mountain air that gives us relief from the summer heat.
We decided on an early October because we still wanted a little September warmth to it. I decided to look up our wedding date on Yahoo! to see what other events took place on that date. Here's a few:
1955: The MICKEY MOUSE CLUB begins airing
1964: Buffalo Wings are first made at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York
1985: Space Shuttle Atlantis is launched
1990: East and West Germany reunite.
1995: OJ Simpson found "not guilty"
2003: Roy Horn of "Siegfried & Roy" is attacked by his white tiger
2008: $700 Billion bailout signed by George W. Bush
That's pretty fun to look that kind of stuff up. It also happens to be the birthday of a few of Kaiti's favorite people: Ashlee Simpson, Gwen Stefani and Tommy Lee.
Anyway, Mt Vernon said it's fine if we want to use outside vendors so that means that Hannah better start planning a beautiful wedding cake for us. That was a big deal to me because I really wanted her to, but alot of places wouldn't let us use anything but what they had. So, Hannah: We would be honored if you would make us a fancy cake. I'm not sure if it should be autumnal like these:
Or, just elegant.
You'll have to help me out on this one. But I trust the cake will be amazing no matter what.
Also, I am going to need Adam to be the photographer/videographer (even though I never saw any footage of our family reunion).
I prefer to keep it in the family because we know each other and everything will have that "familiarity" to it instead of working with overpriced strangers.
Kaiti, Taylor and Janelle are making the invitations, I'm using my new iPod to make a playlist for the reception. We will probably be using Kaitis dad's projector for some of the dances. I have this strange image of the music video playing on a huge screen while the dance is going on. For instance:
For Kaiti and her Dads dance I chose "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw.
At some point I want to slow dance with my new bride to this. I love the lyrics. I don't believe it's about a love gone bad as much as it is about going with your heart and taking a chance. Like he says at the end, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."
Also, the groomsmen and groom (Noah, Jonah, Zach and I) will battle the bridesmaids and bride to the "Evolution of Dance", and for our last dance, Kaiti and I are doing "Time of Your Life" from Dirty Dancing. I can't guarantee it will be good or even happen for that matter, but it's one of her wishes.
It's gonna be crazy. They want to do the "Thriller" dance too.
Also, I was contacted by Tore this morning and he was upset that I hadn't told him about the wedding yet. Really, I hadn't told anyone besides family yet. The invites will be in the mail when the time is right. That's be so exciting if he came. He is my best friend afterall and I haven't seen him in like 8 years. Kaiti is inviting Patrick Swayze and his wife Lisa. I'm not sure if they're gonna come or not yet :)
Alright, time to work out. I am gonna sweat this week like I've never sweated before.
Just a quick update: Kaiti and I went to Mt Vernon yesterday and it was stunning. So, Mt Vernon it is. Our official date is set for OCTOBER 3RD,2009. Hopefully everyone can make it. It'd really mean alot. You are all invited.
Almost five years ago you were almost killed in a car crash right outside my work. I have fuzzy memories of the day that it happened because I did not know you then. But fate brought us together and we have been going strong ever since. Thank you for being my very best friend. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Above all though, thank you for your patience. I am a real handful and I know that. I am trying to get better for you because I know you deserve the very best. I know I will get there. You have been my rock and my heart for the past 4 years. Although we have had some rocky times, we have always gotten through them together. Please remember that I love you wholeheartedly yesterday, today and forever. I can't wait for our wedding day. Nothing is better to me than laying in bed with my favorite girl, running my fingers through your hair and massaging your hip as we fall asleep. You're the reason I wake up. You're the reason I smile, cry and laugh. It's crazy to think back to that day and wonder where my life would be at this point had I never met you or had you died. I like to say that where your life nearly ended, ours began. I am so grateful for you. Everyday I am thankful. You are my strength and my heart and I will continue to do right for you and protect you. Thank you for our beautiful children. They are so perfect and they are a direct reflection of you. You are a great mother and our babies love you so much. Thank you for everything baby. Although I have saved your life several times, it was truly you who has saved mine. I love you Kaiti-bean. Happy Valentines Day.
We're not sure yet, but I'd say we're pretty sure. We found a place in the mountains of Golden, CO that has so much to offer our wedding. It is BREATHTAKING. Surrounded by trees for miles and miles (which in the fall are going to be just perfect) and the best view of the Rocky Mountains I have ever seen. The place said that if we have our wedding on a Saturday between 8AM-4PM, they would waive the room rental fee. That's what I like to hear. I don't know how we are going to pay for everything but Kaiti's stepmom is being very generous and helpful in our planning. We won't have all the bells and whistles and we will skimp wherever we can, but I REALLY want the wedding to be special. I am only getting married ONE time, and fortunately for me it's to the most beautiful person I know. Oh, man-I'm so excited. We have been planning our butts off and October just can't come soon enough.
This working out thing was going pretty good until my weigh in yesterday. I had been going to the gym and working out at home and eating less and better and not drinking. I stepped on the scale and after that whole week, I had only lost .2 pounds. Ugh. I started at 187 and Kaiti said I should go down 15 pounds. But the more I think about it, I'd like to get closer to 200. But muscle. Not this belly. I think if I lost 15 pounds, I'd be scrawny and weak. I don't want that. I want to be diesel. I was doing my pushups on the Wii and I remembered how Josiah used to drop down at any given time and ask us "How many pushups should I do?". In any case, I need to lose this stomach, and work out my arms and chest until I can't take the pain anymore.
In other news, Kaiti and I went to our first prospective wedding site. It is a little chapel up on a hill called Three Trees Chapel. It was very cute and it had a nice view out the windows, but the reception hall downstairs was way too small. It was also pretty pricey. So, we keep looking.
As for the wedding, Kaiti and I have been fighting about a few things. She is a Catholic and I am not. Her religion says she can't wear a white wedding dress because she isn't a virgin. That kinda pisses me off. I have been envisioning her walking down the aisle in a stunning white dress with a long train and vail. She says she will wear ivory instead. That's like grayish isn't it? It drives me crazy. Doesn't the song go "Here comes the bride, all dressed in WHITE?" We'd have to change it to OFF-White. It's not the same. Then she thinks the guys should wear sneakers. What kind of wedding are you planning on, babe? That's something you do to be cool at your high school prom, not your wedding. Also, she is determined to have a stripper at her bachelorette party and I really feel strongly against that. I don't feel there is any place for that. It's nasty and if you feel like you need someone else rubbing there privates on you then you have no need to get married. I would never disrespect her that way.
I also feel like I'm the only one who's planning the wedding. I'm online constantly looking at wedding sites and reception sites. We don't even know our budget because she won't ask. There is no sense of urgency on her part and it hurts my feelings. It's like it doesn't even matter. Usually it's the girl who is all into it and excited but not in our case.
I have alot to think about. But for now, it's off to the Wii.
So, that Wii is a real pain in my behind. Literally. I can barely walk. I've done about a half hour of exercises the past two days and I am down 2.9 pounds. My goal was 15 pounds in 2 months, but I think I'm going to smash that. I regret not stretching the first time though because I am having a hard time getting these cramps out. But, so far, so good.
Kaiti and I are looking for a place to get married and we just can't decide. We like Red Rocks, but they only allow you to use their vendors. That won't work for us because her cousin Tony is a photographer, her brothers restaurant can cater, her cousins girlfriend is a make-up artist and I was hoping Hannah would make the cake. So, we have to keep looking. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.
Kaiti is doing great in school and only has a few months left. I am so proud of her. I am seriously contemplating online schooling at The University of Phoenix for IT/ Networking or IT/Technology. I've been having a hard time because I really can't afford to pay extra every month for school and the few times I have attempted to get into school, the financial aid would only cover about half. That's great and all, but we're cutting it close as it is. Things will be grand when there are two incomes.
I may have to take the night off tonight because I had the hardest time ever last night getting up and down the stairs at the restaurant. There are about 35-40 stairs to get to the top. Getting up actually was alot easier than getting down the stairs. I need to remember to stretch. This morning I did 750 hula hoop twirls and ran a couple of times through the Wii park. It's great fun.
I need to go rest for a bit and try to get ready for work. Hopefully I'll be good to go.
Ok, Ok... I have been very lazy with this computer thing lately. I just can't muster up the energy to go type. So much has been going on though so it's time for an update.
Kaiti and I consider ourselves "married". We have for a couple of years now. But these dull, scratched sterling silver bands just aren't enough. I really wanted Kaiti to know just how much I love her and so I maxed out a credit card or two at a jewelry store that was going out of business. 70% OFF!!!! I just had to.
We went to the mall to go look at dogs (because one day, I hope to own a baby English Bulldog). Sure it won't be anytime soon, but I love to imagine having my puppy to rassle with and to plop down with us when we watch a movie. The pet store reportedly had a baby girl bulldog and I wanted to go say hi. She was cute, but sick. She was shaking and her eyes were in the back of her head. Plus her price tag was $2600. That's a bit much. But it was fun to hang out with her. Then we took Kenzee to get her ears pierced because she has wanted pink diamond earrings for a long time. She says it would make her look "purfact". It broke my heart when they pierced them because she was clearly in alot of pain. But she got her pink "diamonds" and she loves them now that they don't hurt.
So off we went through the foodcourt and we ran into a blowout sale at a jeweler and Kaiti wanted to just look. I knew that deep down she really wanted a real ring. I've wanted to get her one for a long time but just couldn't afford it. "Nothing too fancy", she said. "Just one diamond on a skinny band". She liked the princess cut diamonds because the settings didn't stand too high off of the band. She had one picked out until she saw the price tag. She then moved down to the small diamonds and started to try them on. We left after a little bit and continued to cruise the mall. I made a quick dash to the jeweler as the girls shopped for girls stuff. I told the lady I wanted to get the ring but I wanted it to be a surprise. She seemed like she understood and was going to help me out with the surprise at first. As I planned out how to pay for the ring, Kaiti found me back at the jeweler. The jeweler lady very rudely told her to leave. "You can leave right now!", she said. But that tipped Kaiti off to my surprise. I paid for the ring but needed it to be sized from a 5 to a 6 1/4. The lady said it would only take an hour or so.
So, I caught up with Kaiti and she was convinced that I had the ring on me. I didn't and I kept telling her that I put a deposit down on it and would have to make payments. She searched me up and down and found no ring. Good. My plan was working.
Then disaster. The jeweler lady tracked Kaiti and I down in the mall and says, "Your ring will be ready in ten minutes."
So whatever. I go to pick up the ring, Kaiti knows I have it. Should I just give it to her? Nah. Let's make her wait it out. Kaiti doesn't like to be surprised. She peeks at all her presents at Christmas time and everything. She just can't stand the anticipation of wondering what something could be.
We had plans that night to go to a bar called Baker Street Pub. It's a nice place located in Belmar. They had a live band playing that night called "Kelli Said". Kaiti thought I had the ring on me and that I would propose to her that night but that's no fun if you already expect it. So, I had to come up with something. I gave the ring to her brother and as we left the house and were on our way, I said,"Crap, I left the ring at home. Let's turn around." She was a little upset but replied,"Don't worry about it. We'll do it tommorrow or something."
I pleaded with her to turn around but we were already close to the bar and she just didn't want to go through the trouble. She was convinced there was no ring. Good.
We walk into the bar and to my surprise, there is like 300 people there watching this band. Super. My brother in law,Zach, and his friend walked up to the band during their break and explain the situation. Very low key. Kaiti and I are enjoying a beverage and dancing a little with the rest of our friends. Zach pulls me aside and says they are cool with me proposing onstage right before their next set. So, we need to make our way towards the stage. Kaiti asks whats going on and why are we going up to the stage.
We tell her some silly story about how we're all going to go up onstage and sing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing". She loves the idea. She sang it at a bar with her sister a few nights before this and it's her new favorite song. We waited anxiously (me mostly). Finally the guitar player comes up to the mic.
"Before we continue, someone has something to announce. Micah, come on up here", he says.
Kaiti starts to come up with me and I tell her to hold on. "You'll be up here in a minute." She is so confused.
I look out on the crowd and I have never been so nervous in my life. I went blank. The whole night I knew exactly what I was going to say. Then I get up there and it's like...uhhh...uhh....
300 strangers staring up at me.
But I managed to get off a few things. I even quoted the movie Max Payne that I had watched the night before. "I don't know about heaven, but I DO believe in angels."
Corny. But c'mon. I got down on one knee and called her up onstage and she said "Yes." I went to put the ring on and it didn't fit. "Seriously?". It was too small by a large margin. But we kissed and laughed and she was mad because she was totally surprised. The audience clapped and whistled and we went on to have a great night.
As for the ring, turns out the lady at the jewelry store never actually sized it. She just wanted to make the sale. I raised hell and they gave me a lifetime warranty on the ring that would've cost me $120 that I didn't have at the time I purchased it. We got it sized and it looks beautiful.
Yay!!! We are planning on getting married this fall and I was hoping everyone would come. Maybe it could be our next family reunion?
Anyway, things are still tough around here but they are getting better. I am very optomistic about the days to come. I am drinking less and I am focusing on getting in better shape. Kaiti bought me a Wii the other day. It was my Christmas present from her since we couldn't get each other a present at the time. She also got me the Wii Fit that Abby seems to love so much. It's pretty fun but it's mostly convenient. Sure you can't lift weights with it, but it has alot of fun stuff and it definately wears you out. It has a journal that keeps track of your fitness goals and what you've achieved so far. The balance board that it comes with is also a scale so it keeps you up to date on your weight loss as well. All in all I really love it.
The sad thing is they have a formula that tells you your "Fitness Age", and I have a 39 year olds fitness level. I'm not sure what that means, because I know alot of 40 year olds who are in great shape. Kaiti however is 42 years old. (HaHa!!). My workout begins today. I was supposed to be up at 7 to start and Kaiti kept trying to wake me up, but the Super Bowl was last night and I partook in a beer or two and I just couldn't do it. But I'm up and as soon as I'm done with this, I will begin.
It's very serious that i focus and do this EVERYDAY. I had my blood pressure taken at the WalMart on one of those do it yourself ones and it read 167/100. However, I think the thing was busted. I know I have high blood pressure but it's never come close to that. As I sat there waiting for the reading, the thing just kept inflating. It wouldn't stop. It hurt very bad, unlike anytime I ever did it before. I wiggled a bit and almost hit the stop button because I thought it was going to make my arm pop.
I'm still young though and I can right this ship. I've been doing alot better.
Oh yeah, just a quick note for anyone who cares, (Mom, you'll love this:)...
Willows mom, Nicole, is pregnant. AND, she is having trouble in her relationship. AND she is trying her darndest to come back to Colorado. Oh man. Life's a bitch ain't it?
Sorry I have been absent for so long. I have had alot going on. I am working two jobs now, 7 days a week, trying to catch up. I have had very little time to do anything at all. I'm getting there though and soon I will be posting like a mad man again. I have missed you all though.
So, what's new in the world? It's a new year of course and I have a very good feeling about it. Kaiti will be finishing school and becoming the first O'Malley to get a degree (Yay!!!!). I'm not sure if she will continue her schooling or just get a job or maybe go to school while she's working, but they are building a new hospital across the road from us and it would give her a great opportunity.
Our holidays were great. Thanks to the parents and grandparents. Money has been tight but we are very blessed with generous family. I'm not one for presents anymore. I really just enjoy the holiday spirit and the atmosphere. But Momma dearest and David hooked me up with my very own iPod that I've been wanting FOREVER. It was no fun going to the gym with my CD walkman. Plus our car stereo doesn't work, BUT if you plug the iPod into it- "Voila!" It's a beautiful thing. I have all my pictures on it and like 800 songs, plus a couple TV episodes. I love it. Thank you very much Momma and David.
New Years was New Years. I really don't give a crap about New Years Eve really. As a recovering alcoholic, it's just another reason to get drunk. I had a few beers and a glass of champagne at midnight. I toasted to becoming a better father, husband, son, friend and brother. I've been doing very good. I'm not making any more promises about sobriety though because I think I'm jinxing myself. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
I'm also going to focus on my art again. I watch Noah draw and it's effortless. He spent some time with us over Christmas and Thanksgiving ( apple-turkeys and graham cracker house building), and he would just sit there and draw. He's a very brilliant man. I wish I had the money to back him and get him published. It may very well be the best investment you could make right now. I know his time is coming soon though.
I'm not sure what medium I will focus on because I love to paint, but I also like to just draw. And I kinda want to dabble in childrens books. Who knows.
What else.... O yeah, I gave in and purchased the magicjack. If you don't know what it is, it's a jack that you plug into your computer that gives you phone service for $19.99 a year. Not a month, a YEAR. It's pretty fantastic. The only thing I don't like is the caller ID is constantly displayed on your computer screen. So, say you're out in the living room and the phone rings, you have to go to the computer to see who it is. Not a big deal, but I don't really care for that part.
Madden turned 2 on the 1st. I really wish he wouldn't have been born so close to Christmas. I know Camdens birthday is on the 29th of December so thats gotta be even worse. What do you get for someone who just got everything? Very frustrating.
Anyway, I will try to post some pictures soon, or maybe even a video. I'm not feeling too hot right now. I will talk to you all soon.