Monday, March 31, 2008

Two posts in one day? And you thought I didn't care.

So, I just got tattooed and so did Kaiti. I got Madden Jeremy around my collar and Kaiti got the babies zodiac symbols on her wrists. It was good fun. Just wanted to show it off. Oh yeah, and as for my movie review- don't watch Atonement unless you have no other choice. I guess it could have turned out alright but the beginning just confused me and was super boring and I fell asleep.

If I only had a canvas or two

Hey there everyone!! Sorry, it's been a bit since I've posted but I've been a busy guy. This is the monthly race for rent where I try my hardest to make rent in a week. So far, so good. Anyway, I have some bad news. I slipped up yesterday and had a few beers. But I have forgiven myself and its back to soberness. It had been two weeks. Not great, but for someone who drinks everyday, it's a start. I kinda needed it yesterday, because it made me feel like hell and it reminded me why I'm doing it in the first place. I just hate feeling half-ass like I do when I drink. So, I apologize to everyone for the slip-up. However, I did get to do some painting yesterday(see picture). That was fun. It's a coffee table for my brother-in-law. I wish I had endless canvases. I would paint all the time. Everyone asks me why I don't sell my artwork. I think it's a confidence thing. Whatever I draw is just easy for me and nothing I have done has really been incredible to me. I take it as a compliment when someone wants my artwork, so I just give it to them. What would I even charge anyway? I wish I could make money off my art, but I just don't know how to do it. On to the next subject-Lori is out of prison and doing well. She was so happy when she saw her apartment. She sounds like a new person so far, but we have to continue to support her. I am getting tattooed again tonight and I am very excited about it. My friend Johnna is an aspiring tattoo artist and she has been tattooing me for free so she gets her practice in. She's pretty good and I trust her because she has been doing it for a couple years now and she has already tattooed me three times. I have to get Maddens name on me because it's just not fair that I have my other two children but not him yet. So I will take care of that tonight. I think Jenna and Hannah need a tattoo. (Just kidding. Like that would ever happen.) I have 17 I think, about to be 18. How fun. Oh yeah, and baseball starts today for real. I am so excited. I can't wait to get the wife and kiddos out to the ballpark for a nice afternoon together. So, yeah- thats about whats been going on in my world lately. I'll post new pics of my tattoos and I have other pics of rollerskating and easter coming too. Talk to you all soon!!!!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Pay it forward

So today is day #8. Not even a sip. It's been very hard but it is something I know I need to continue with. The urges usually come around 5 o'clock and last for a while, but whatever, I know I don't NEED it. The nights have been better, though falling asleep naturally is a bit more challenging than just passing out. The days have been 100% better. This was the first weekend that we haven't stayed home in a long time. Maybe even since before McKenzee. This weekend was a good weekend overall, but it did have its dramatic times. Saturday morning we went rollerskating. Man. Rollerskating? I haven't done that since I was like 8. Kenzees friend Alexis had her birthday party at Skate City and normally I would've opted to stay home and send the wife and kids on their way, leaving me home to get my drink on. But in my efforts to get better as a father, husband and human being- I was all in. I didn't fall in case you were wondering. But then again, I was going superslow. The children were just flying around me and scaring the crap out of me. But I got to skate with Kenzee and that was good for my soul. Mari, who was forbidden to come by Lori, made an unexpected appearance. It turns out that Lori took Mari to an easter egg hunt and was arrested for public intoxication. I guess she also had warrants out for her arrest for fines in Denver and not attending her parenting classes from a child abuse case against her. This is a good thing though because it made way for two things. One, Mari was able to spend the night with us and have an actual easter with Kenzee and MadDog. Egg hunt and loaded basket and all. Two, this may be "rock bottom" for Lori. I believe you need to hit the very bottom before you can ever begin getting better. She has been in jail since Saturday and I'm not quite sure when she will be out. But she has exhausted her options. I'll get back to her in a minute. Anyway, Sunday was Easter of course and it was great. We had fun with the kids and it's always satisfying when you produce a good experience on the holidays for your babies, whether it be Christmas, Halloween or Easter in this case. We went to Great Grandmas for turkey and ham and all the fixings and it kinda reminded me of the days at Grandma VanScivers. Well, last night I noticed something had been bothering Kaiti. I asked what was wrong and she told me she was worried about her mom and what was gonna happen. This goes back a couple of posts ago, to where I said I was the only one who stuck up for her. I still do by the way. I explained to her that we are all that we have. The people that surround us whether it be family, friends, children or each other, we must love each other regardless. I saw that she was reflecting on the things she had said to her mom and the way everybody treats her and it clearly bothered her. Earlier in the day she had a conversation with her parents old friends and they were the very spiritual type. They told her to live life with no grudges and to do kind things all the time and in turn, life would return positive things to her. So, last night while we were lying in bed I came up with the idea to go clean Loris house while she was in prison. Just to give her a nice welcome home to let her know that she is loved. It was a much larger chore than we thought it would be. We knew her house was trashed, but the depth of the filth was deep. But, we got it done and if I do say so myself, it looks marvelous. We rearranged the furniture, because it was just kinda there and not in the right places at all, and we got picture frames and hung pictures of the grandkids on the empty walls. We broke out an old box of pictures Lori had stashed away and framed and hung them too. They were pictures of her brother James, who had passed just recently, pics of her children when they were young, pics of her with her mother from way back in the day and things like that. I think it's important to not have bare walls. We need to surround her with love and support and she must know that she is loved. She just has problems with addictions and we have to help her get better. We dumped all the alchohol in the house and hung decorations and made it all pretty. We also bought two stone garden walkway steps that we put on the wall. One says Live one day at a time and the other says Faith to light the darkened skies. This may all be for nothing, but we are crossing our fingers and hoping to get her better. As for me, tommorow will be day 9 and it's pretty exciting. I've been able to spend time with the people I love with all my heart. That's a high I can't get anywhere else.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Hmm, what to do?

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I've got promises to keep. And Miles to go before I sleep."
Well hello again. It's been two days now without a drink, and I know you may be saying "whoopdy doo", but there haven't been many two days in a row that I have been sober. I work in a bar and all, and I am constantly being asked if I want a beer. But, honestly, whenever I go several days without drinking, I really do feel better. I feel more alive. Imagine what a week, or a month or more will feel like. The hardest days are going to be my days off and the nights I get off early. Luckily, I don't drink at work because I believe you shouldn't crap where you eat. I'm a sloppy, opinionated drunk and I'd most likely get myself fired. So, I have to find things to do to occupy me. Something fun. When me and Kaiti were seperated I worked out an awful lot, but I'm not quite ready to jump back into that yet. My body will be going through a recovery phase and I don't want to overexert (one word or two?) myself. I know because I did it before. The beating your insides take when you drink daily is brutal. For now it's eat less, but more healthy. I have to get to King Soopers for fruit cups and such. Things to snack on besides cookies. Drink lots of pomegranate juice and take my Mens One-A-Day vitamins. After a couple of weeks or so, my body will feel more energized and I will be ready to bust out my Billy Blanks TaeBo "Amped" edition. Screw the gym, if anyone has ever done TaeBo, they know. That's quite the workout. Plus I installed a heavy bag on my balcony so I can get back to boxing, and I have some free weights too. Until then, I think I may have to hit the library or something. But I think I owe them like 42 bucks. Overdue fees have really gone up. I mean, it's free to check them out and all. Otherwise, Kaiti and I have busted out the puzzles and have been dominating them. No challenge at all. ( Except when I get physically upset and mentally hurt and have to walk away for long intervals while Kaiti finishes them up). Also, I am a movie man. I watch EVERYTHING. Maybe I'll start my own Ebert and Roeper section in my blog. I still liked Siskel better. Hmm, good thinking micah. We'll start right now.

August Rush: It was alright. Except for Robin Williams playing the role of a Shredder-esque (from Ninja Turtles), harborer for musically gifted children, it was kinda cute. A child born to a couple of musicians is put into a foster home and decides it's his fate to meet his parents through the "magic of music". There are a few twists and turns and it's watchable. Plus Kaiti likes the guys accent. I'd give it two and a half stars.

That wasn't as good as I'd hoped. Anyway, back to work for me. I'll talk to you all soon. Thanks for the support. One day at a time.

Monday, March 17, 2008

So this is what rock bottom feels like

Another night, another fight. It was all starting to be so routine for us. Here's the schedule: Go to the store, buy beer and cigarettes. Sit on the edge of the couch slumped over and pound beers back. Watch whatever reality show is on that night. Small talk with Kaiti and head to the balcony every 20 minutes for a smoke. Chat a little more. Then, wham- start a fight. That is how the past four months have been for Kaiti and I. It didn't used to be that way. We used to get along so well. All the way up until that day. The day that crushed my soul. That part of my life is over and we can resume our everyday activities now. But something was lost on that day. Trust. Now a routine visit to the grocery store means she's headed out to cheat on me, but all she's doing is getting a gallon of milk. It's silly. Trust is an amazing thing. It's so important. A lack of trust will eat you up inside. Last night turned ugly. Everything was fine, but then I had to screw it up. I have gone from a social drinker, to an angry drunk. I love to get a rise from people. I want to argue. I really crave it. When you're drunk, you get somewhat of a pass from things you normally couldn't say sober. Things you probably wouldn't say. So I take advantage of that, I guess, though I don't remember half of what I say. It's gotten to a point where I'm starting not to know myself, or be Micah anymore. I'm stressed out in my everyday life and wish I could just be financially secure and not have to sell my things all the time, just to make ends meet. (Old habits never die). My children call me Micah instead of Dad. I know it's because they hear Kaiti call me it. They also call me Babe, so there's proof of that. But I take it to heart and believe it's because I'm never around. I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. My wife loves me. But I know she hates me too. I want to show her how important to me she is. I feel like everyday I am failing. I'm truly doing my best but it doesn't reflect on our situation. We constantly have an empty fridge, and each month I have to decide which priviledges to keep on and which to let disconnect for a bit. I'd love to go to school, but that will probably never happen. I've been so close a few times, but for some reason or other it has fallen through. I want my license. I want a car. I want to have food in my fridge at all times. I want to put clothes on my wife and childrens backs. I wouldn't mind some new clothes myself. But then, wham, all of a sudden, it hit me this morning. While I had my hand against my wifes cheek, brushing her tears away with my thumb and apologizing for being a complete ass again. It finally hit me. Enough is enough. No more alchohol. I have said that many times before, but usually with a hangover or something. I am out of chances. Who cares about clothes, or Cd's or whatever material things I can't afford. Those are just things. This is US. My wife, my children. Yeah, we just get by, but we have each other. I'm done complaining about not having this or that. I have wasted years and years of my life. It's time to get back to being me. Time to show my children how much I love them. Time to wrap up with my beautiful, sexy wife and hold her for the entire night and whisper how much I appreciate her. This is not going to be easy whatsoever. I am doing it though. Period. One day at a time. I haven't been healthy in a long time and it's time I feel alive. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I Brought You Into This World

This may take a little while, so I apologize to whoever reads this. My wife and I got into a discussion tonight about our parents and it is abundantly clear that we do not mirror each others affection for our parents. Her father is her "Parent of Choice", meanwhile, my Mother is mine. Both of our families are torn between WHO is the better parent and for deserved reasons. Her mother is a bit of a mess, and it's very clear when you meet her. However, to me, she is a lifesaver. She was blessed to have a child put upon her, who was not her own. Her daughter, Taylor, Kaiti's older sister, had a child when she was (I believe) 16 years old. The father spoke little english and is not around. Taylor left her (Mari) with her mother and is enjoying her life as an UNDERCOVER single, childless 20 something year old. Mari is an amazing young girl who I have had the priviledge of knowing for the past 3+ years. She is AMAZING. Super smart, super talented and more giving than any 9 year old that I have ever met. (She had beautiful long locks, and decided for herself, to cut them off for cancer patient children). She donates when she can and I can see nothing but greatness for her. Kaiti's mother, however, is a drunk. Very much so. There have been times where we go there while she is watching our children and it is Mari who is watching them, while her mother is passed out in mid afternoon. Life has not been easy for the woman lately (she lost a brother and sister in the same year). But my argument is FOR the woman. Her name is Lori. She is overwhelmed. I know she has good intentions, however, she has a beast on her shoulder that I have as well. Its name is alchohol. Granted my beast is more of a monkey at this point, but I know the effect a beer has when you are at the edge of your line. This monkey for me will be taken care of soon. Anyway, Zach, Kaitis brother, has NO repect for the woman who bore him because of the upbringing they had and the way she lives right now. I argue with him all the time about it because I believe a mother is the singular most important thing in your life. No offense Dad, but.... So that brings me to my situation. After my last blog, and talking about how much I loved that life, though there was nothing fancy about it, I have never loved a WOMAN as much as I LOVE my Mom. Whatever happened with her and my father, I have more respect for her than you could ever imagine. To my sister Jenna and my brother Ethan, who were fortunate to get out before the storm hit the rest of us, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. Ever. That woman put her life and her health on the line because she insisted that she would not fail and she would not let her children down. I mean, put yourself in that position. I have taken my side in this but that is totally irrelavent right now. That was years ago. Had it not been for Candace Lynn Baker, some of us may be gone. She has taught me how to be a person and survive and above all, how to treat a woman. Nothing has ever been easy for us. It should have been, but for whatever reason, it wasn't. I am over it. I don't care anymore who did what because I am a grown man with children of my own and a family to support. My mother gave me the foundation and for that I am forever grateful. As for dad, man, that's still a little touchy. I don't answer his calls or send cards. He has offered his love and support numerous times. I do appreciate it. Trust me, I do. However, I have a bit of disrespect for him. He could have done it. I believe that a family should be together FOREVER. Maybe thats the excommunicated Mormon in me, but your children need you. Period. I was unfortunate enough to lose the first time, but it was not due to me. Yes, I'm better off this way, for sure. The reason we are on this planet is exactly this. Not just to procreate but to create as well. I love all of my children and would refuse to see any of them suffer. From 7 down, we have suffered. If you have never seen Candace bleeding from her high blood pressure with that helpless look in her eyes, then you know nothing. This is the love of my life. My HERO. She never let us down TO THIS DAY, and thank (whomever) for that. Finally she is happy and I thank David Foyt for that. That's a MAN. As for my father, I love you Dad. I always have and always will. I do NOT hate you. I may have, but I'm older now. You did what you had to do, and maybe the same misfortune will crash my party. But I am taking steps to prevent that. I will always remember the fossil hunting and your coaching in my days as a baseball player, PeeWee or not. You took good care of us during your time as our father and I am grateful. I guess I just would have done it differently. Either way, in both situations, they are FOUR. 2 Moms, 2 dads. We should love and respect them all regardless of what has happened. Sometimes the pull is stronger than the force. Life is just too short. We all know that. There WILL be funerals. I expect we will all attend and have positive things to say. Without these people, None of us would be here at all. My love is reserved for you all.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Shoot, why ya gotta be bringin up old sh**

Thanks to my dear sis Abigail, it is now MY time to reflect.

As big of a hole that it was where we grew up, there is NO place else I would have rather spent my first 15 or 16 odd years of my life. New Jersey is instilled in me still and I will always miss those days.

I remember all the bad too, but it all came from good intentions. For instance:

Yes- our carpet had speed bumps (dangerous ones, too)- BUT Amanda was just trying to clean the carpets. I mean, who knew that mop buckets full of water would cause a wood floor to do that?

Yes-we did our dishes in our bathtub. But that's because our beloved father was gonna redo the kitchen for Mom while she was in England, but just never remembered to finish it. This is a double whammy too because it caused our ceiling to fall apart right above the landing and that was miserable and wet and soaked our socks. Just to add to that, I can't tell you how many showers I didn't take, just because the hassle of emptying the dishwasher, er,bathtub would have been, not to mention the wet food that was in there too.

Anyway, One Dirty Tree was a disaster, but I always said if I won the lottery I would buy that house. No way in hell I'd live in it, but I would own it. Not sure it's even fixable really. It's like Dane Cook said, "Paint rust any color you want, it's still rust." Anywho, the tree is gone now and it's sad to me. It was the mascot, if you will, for that house.

My sister Abby was talking about our neighborhood on her blog and what it was like for us growing up. The one thing she said that struck a cord is that the world just doesn't seem to be as safe as it used to. Maybe it's because we're older and wiser now and know what's going on out there, or maybe it's just the truth. I remember nights playing jailbreak with the neighbors all night. Or catching fireflies with old mason jars, or camping outside. The neighborhood seemed so safe but I think it was just so closeknit there that nothing mattered. I can remember the names of almost everyone I grew up with but can't remember names of people I see regularly. It was that kind of town. Good ol New Jersey.

I remember Ethan, before the Ethan we know now. The drummer from Toxxic Waste, the garage band with hits such as "Constipation Nation". The guy who would play the Mister Softee song on his keyboard out of the attic window just to watch the neighborhood kids get their hopes up.

I remember Josiah asking me, "How many pushups should I do?"

or Jenna having us help her stuff those envelopes all night.

I remember my sisters crazy obsession with the NKOTB, and how my brothers and I made a bonfire with their posters and all at a BoyScout camp.

I miss that stuff. I miss Milly watching over us and judging, and playing with the O'Connors, and getting refridgerator boxes from Fridgedaire to make armor suits so that we could all beat each other with sticks. I miss our back porch, thank you Ike. I miss collecting stickers from News Nook, or seeing how far I could stretch a buck at Philly News. I miss Brenton stomping out our hamsters (RIP Brenton). I miss the downpours and the flooded streets. I miss eating sh** at the jumps on my bike, and ballgames at the community center. I could go on. I miss it all.
Unfortunately, after dad left, we were forced to as well.

Not to say I don't love Colorado, because I do, but if I could just have back a few things that were left in Jersey, I think I'd be much happier. Like honesty, reality and Vincents Pizza and Panzarotti's. Hell, throw in CVS and Aunt Charlottes too, and while you're at it, a little Philly News and Market, News Nook, the Community Center and the Hendricksens front porch. It really was a good place, wasn't it?