Has anyone ever felt completely alone in a crowd before? I have. Not even so much a crowd, but in my own house. I never feel wanted here and I feel like I just get in peoples way. I'm doing my very best to maintain a good attitude, but these past few weeks, I have felt very alone. I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong, but I wish I did so I could fix it. My life has become a very boring, sad thing. I'm so scared of being lied to and being betrayed that I have let fear consume me and I am having trouble forging a smile around my own children. Being me, taking care of her, is a full time job and it is the most humbling and least satisfying job there is. I just never feel appreciated for anything that I do and I do everything.
I just don't think she will ever truely know how much I love her and how hard I fight everyday, tip by tip, to make enough money to keep the lights on, or to put a few groceries into our fridge, or to buy her that new pair of shoes that she needs. I don't think she could ever know the hours I stay awake at night trying to crunch numbers in my head on how I'm going to keep a roof over our heads, and worrying profusely that I will let them down. I just don't think she understands how I feel about her when I look into her eyes, and she doesn't even know that when I get home from working for 11 hours a day, that I lay by her side for another hour or so instead of going to sleep and run my fingers through her hair. Maybe she doesn't realize that my heart truly hurts everyday for some attention and to just be noticed, or acknowledged for the work that I put into this family.
Above all else, I believe in family. Someone tried to tell me that families don't work anymore these days, but I refuse to believe that. It's this new uppity laziness that exists now that truly ruins families. It wasn't like that before. I mean, I wasn't around to actually witness the times, but I worked in a restaurant for 7 years that was 90% senior citizens. It always brought joy to my heart to see the couples in their eating, still holding hands. Some would tell me they had been together for 50 years or longer. I was always so jealous of that. I would always take time to talk to them and have them tell me stories about how they stayed together for so long, and it would always break my heart the day one would come in without the other because they had passed away. That to me is what it's all about. "Work." That's what they said. "It's alot of work, and alot more patience." It's like that saying, "Nobody said it would be easy. They just said it'd be worth it."
I feel like the best days are ahead of us and we make steady progress in our situation and we are trying to do things the right way. It sucks that we are crammed in this apartment, but lets wait until we can afford a house. Why move from apartment to apartment? It just doesn't make sense.
Lately, I've been feeling like the odd man out. There is no longer time for me. Ever since her sister moved here, she always has some kind of plans with her. Tonight they are at a party at some penthouse. And once again, I'm here with the babies. I love spending time with my babies and I know I'm very important to them, but trust me, it'd be nice if I could be important to her. There are so many things I would love to do with her and I don't know if any of them are ever going to happen. There just isn't enough time for me.
I wish I could take her dancing. Not to a club, but to a dancehall. And dress up all nice. I envision her in a beautiful dress with her hair down and me in a nice suit, and maybe I'd have a corsage for her or some flowers and we could spend the night having a nice dinner and dancing the night away, just the two of us. Or maybe something stupid, like a bike ride, or a movie. Hell, I'd settle for an hour in a plastic seat at McDonalds with a dollar menu dinner, just as long as it's with her.
I really want her to know how much I care about her and I want her to feel inside that I am truly good enough and that I will protect her with every ounce of power that I have. I really want to be noticed just once in awhile, and maybe touched once in awhile. I feel like a leper most days. I'm not sure what it's going to take, but I worry that she will never know. You know the saying, "You can't truly love someone unless you learn to love yourself"? That's not true. Because how can you love yourself if you don't feel loved? And then how do I love her so much? I really hope things get better than they have been. I'm a sad guy right now. Here I go with another quote:
"Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not the end."
And in closing, one more. This one I hold very dear to me because I have a painting I did in my entryway of me walking in the snow to work with my head down and eyes closed and it says:
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep- But I've got PROMISES to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."
Have a good night everyone. I love you all.
Down to the River
21 hours ago