Monday, July 27, 2009

Get it together

This last month has been awfully draining. I have come to many forks in the road and have taken the wrong one more often than not. After being clean for a little while, I slipped right back into my addiction. It's not an excuse for the way I've been behaving, but it is truly the reason. Alcohol makes me invincible. It's a great feeling to be carefree for awhile, especially when the stress of money and work press on my shoulders every day. I like to hang out at the bar with my friends and just let go. It's fun to me. But it's not casual drinking, and it's not in moderation. I can't keep it to a few drinks. I fill myself to the top until I can't drink another drop. This drinking has cost me a lot lately. A lot of money, time and most importantly, my wife.

I want to clear something up. This is MY fault. I have been sitting here thinking and thinking and it is clear to me. I love you all very much and appreciate your support but I need to say that I want nobody to have hard feelings towards Kaiti. I did this to myself.

Kaiti has put up with more than she's ever really had to. She is my best friend in the world and we have had way more good times than bad, but it's the bad times that stick out for some reason. We have been growing old together and raising our beautiful children the best way we know how.

She has always been there for me when I really need her and we make each other laugh. She's my support. My birthday was screwed up because I had to go and get drunk and run my mouth and hurt her feelings. I don't blame her for not wanting to be around. I'm a mess.

She's truly a good girl and I will spend the rest of my life loving her. I understand that she doesn't love me anymore because I'm not Micah these days. I don't know who I am anymore really. I am hungover as I write this. I don't even want to look at myself. I'm the reason we are seperating.

She wants some time away to get her stuff together. That's just the way it is. We told each other that it's not forever. Not yet. She said I could take her on dates and I could still make love to her. This has nothing to do with another guy. I just screwed up. Over and over and over. We are best friends and we will continue to be throughout this hard time.

I am going to AA meetings soon. I am awaiting a call from The Freedom Center to set up my treatment. I am excited to get well and get back to basics.

I want to get to know Kaiti. I want to show her who I really am and not put her through this hell. I want to get dressed up and take her out on the town or make her a nice candlelit dinner. I want to take her dancing. I want to show her that I can be a better man.

This is going to be a very difficult time for me as I fight to get clean and fight for my family and I appreciate everyones kind words. It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is.

It's not forever. Hopefully. I can no longer expect her to love me when I don't even love myself. But I CAN get better. I'm sorry for all the things I have said about Kaiti to you all. She's a great girl. Pray for us.

I love you all. Wish me luck.