Finally Kaiti has been released from the hospital. I picked her up around 4 o'clock and we were very happy to see our momma. They had no real answer for what caused the seizure. They had more test results that they were waiting for but they decided that because of her age and health that they could let her go. If they find anything in the results that are out of the ordinary then they will call us. She seems to be doing fine but her body hurts. Otherwise, she's getting around just fine. They said she can't drive for 6 months but I'm not sure how that's possible. We'll have to figure some things out. Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy the ol' ladys' company for awhile. I'll write more later.
I guess it's true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Or in my case, almost gone.
Today was a bad day. Kaiti and I had been arguing about something stupid and I decided to just leave. I had to buy a new uniform for work. I was gone for about an hour when I decided to come home. I was going to go get a haircut and pick up a few groceries so we could survive another day. But I didn't. I had to get home.
I turned on the computer and started browsing away, while Kaiti laid on the bed next to me. She was about to fall asleep for her afternoon nap when suddenly she sat up and said, "Oh, No."
I looked over at her and she was flexing her fingers and fanning her face. I was sure it was an anxiety attack. She gets them from time to time and they usually blow right over. So, I watched her and asked, "Are you OK?". She wouldn't respond to me. Numerous times I repeated the question, and every time I got no answer. "This must be a bad one", I thought.
She started to calm down so I laid in bed with her. Not more than a minute later she sat up again with this crazy look on her face and said to me,"I'm going to go to sleep now."
She fell off of the bed violently and began to seizure. Her body was stiff, her head tilted back, and her arms were flimsy. She shook crazily and made horrible sounds. Blood dripped from her mouth. I sat next to her trying to calm her down as Mari watched, crying her eyes out.
I ran for the phone and called 911. Tears poured from my eyes.
I had never felt so helpless.
I stayed on the line with the paramedics as Kaiti continued to flail away. With each motion, my heart broke a little more. Thank God the children were sleeping. Even I can't get over it.
It went on for a good 4-5 minutes. For the whole phone conversation. And then, she stopped. No pulse, no breathing. I felt her wrist and then her neck over and over but I got nothing. This is not happening. Then, a violent breath. and another.
And she began to snore. Her breathing was bad, but it was breathing. Long inhales, lazy, long exhales. I rolled her on her side so she wouldn't swallow her tongue and I ran my fingers through her hair trying to comfort her. Her eyes were still partially open and a blank stare looked up at me as I gazed lovingly and completely desperate into her eyes.
The paramedics showed up about 5 minutes later. Six of them stormed into the house and began checking her vitals. They confirmed it was a seizure and carried her down to the ambulance. She wasn't responding to anything she was asked. The doors to the ambulance closed and she was gone.
I quickly got Zach to come over to watch the kids. Then Mari and I got in the car and headed to the ER to meet up with her. I stayed for about 5 hours and they ran multiple tests on her. About an hour after she gained conciousness she started to come around. She had no idea what day it was, where she was, or anything. The doctor said he needed to keep her at least overnight to monitor her and do more tests.
So I waited it out with her in the ER until she had to go to her room. I layed my head next to hers and wrapped my arms around her as she fell asleep.
"I love THIS woman", I thought in my head over and over.
I kissed her lips, told her I loved her, and walked out the door with my head down. Tonight the hospital has my wife. Tommorrow I want her back. And I want her fixed.
I love you Kaiti-bean. With all my heart and soul. I miss you already. You know, I complain alot about how broke I am but tonight I realized what I really can't afford and it had nothing to do with money.
Sweet dreams beautiful. I'll see you bright and early in the morning.
Like most of the VanSciver's, I was blessed with chalk like teeth. Lately they are just killing me. My front teeth are fine and when I smile, you can't really notice the trouble in the back. My teeth are like the mouths version of a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back. Everything was going just fine and then all of a sudden I felt this crazy pulse run through my molar, up to my eyeball. The next morning I woke up and my gum was swollen. I have had many abcesses in my time, but the ones before would swell out and make my cheek swell and continue through my face until my eye was swollen shut. This one was swelling up the roof of my mouth.
I have been having enough trouble sleeping as it is because, yes, I am still sober. Last night was horrendous. I tossed and turned and got small intervals of sleep until I woke up having difficulty breathing because my nasal passages were being blocked. The right side of my face was in so much pain. Something had to be done.
I took a safety pin, heated it up to sanitize it, and jammed it through the bubble on the roof of my mouth. It began to bleed something fierce and i squeezed every bit of blood out of it until the swelling was gone. I rinsed my mouth out with listerine and drank a ton of water.
It was not pretty, but I have no insurance and couldn't afford to go to the ER or to have a dentist drain it. I missed work yesterday because of it and I can't miss anymore.
I don't recommend it to anyone, but the problem is solved now. For the most part at least.
As I mentioned, I am still sober. I am doing very good. The only problem is re-learning how to do things. Like sleep. It is wierd trying to fall asleep without just passing out. I have been drinking for over 10 years, and drinking alot. Now I just lay in bed until Kaiti gets sick of the TV being on and then I resort to the living room for the rest of the night.
I want to drink but I am keeping my promise. My cravings have gone down and I have been feeling better physically. I am still tired all the time and my body is adjusting a little slower than I hoped, but I am waking up in a better mood and feeling better throughout the day.
Thanksgiving is coming and I am pretty excited for it. I'm sure we'll be eating at Grandmas house, but I decided to adopt the apple turkey tradition this year. The kids will love it.
Christmas is also in the air and I am so happy. It's my second favorite time of the year. I can't wait to get a tree and decorate the house and all. I plan on loading up on all of the best DVD's and drinking a lot (of hot chocolate) and wearing Cosby sweaters. What ever happened to caroling? Nobody does that out here. It seemed so common when we were growing up in New Jersey. I remember our church would go do it every year. I miss that for some reason. The Christmas lists are pouring in and Kenzee wants this and this and this. Oh, and that too.
We are keeping it a little more on the minimal side this year because they are so spoiled by grandmas and grandpas and everyone else. It reminds me of when we were kids and Dad would go downstairs and exclaim, "He Came!!!!". The living room is just filled with toys. And though at the time it seems like you're doing good by spoiling them, it is too much trouble trying to find places to put everything. So, we're going to set a limit for each kid and stick to it.
In other news, we have been offered a house here in Lakewood that we could rent. It would be perfect but it is a little bit pricey. I have been dying to get out of this apartment for a long time now. This is our fourth year in this 2-bedroom hut and we just don't fit anymore. The house is huge though. It has 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 3 living rooms and is 3 stories. It has a full front and back yard. The backyard has a dog run, in case I ever get that dog I always wanted. Even though it's an English Bulldog that I want and I don't know how much he'd use a dog-run, it'd still be nice.
The house belongs to a friend of ours and his family. Our friend is being deployed and his parents want to move to Nebraska. They don't want to sell the house altogether and told us they'd like us to live there. The mortgage is $2100/month, but he said he'd let us rent it for $1800. Kaiti and I would take one room, the kids would get their own rooms and then Zach (brother-in-law) would get his own room. That leaves two rooms open. Right now I pay close to $1000 a month for where I live so I wouldn't mind paying the same for ALOT more space. We need one more person who is trustworthy and doesn't like to party. It's still in the early stages but I'll let you know.
Also, I am a bit late but as I said before, yesterday was a bad day. I want to wish Abby-Dearest a very happy belated birthday. We love you, sis!
It's hard to believe that my baby is 3 years old already. Time has just flown by. Soon, she'll be in school and then dating and before you know it I'll be crying my eyes out as I give her away at her wedding. But she won't be dating until she's 25 or so, so I guess I still have time. We had her birthday party at great grandmas. She had a princess cake and got lots of presents. She got new skates, a stroller with a baby, movies, and a bunch of other stuff. We ate Little Ceasars pizza and drank Big K soda because it's cheap, but delicious.
Kenzee isn't taking being 3 too well because we made a deal that when she turned 3 she had to get rid of her "Elmo cups". Her Elmo cups are sippy cups. It's time to move on to big girl cups. She doesn't eat very much of her meals because she always has that cup attached to her face. She was OK with it yesterday, but today she's confused. I guess she thought she was only 3 yesterday. Time to grow up little one.
After reading the Nielsens blog and following the links on Abby's post about the Nielsens, we had an idea to do a balloon launch of our own. McKenzee's great uncle and good friend, James, died on her birthday two years ago. So, after her party, we wrote notes on little pieces of paper and sent them to the heavens for James and his sister Kelly. We miss you guys!!!
Kenzee's great uncle James and great Aunt Kelly. This is a pointalism picture I drew for Great Grandma Mary after James died. Kelly had died a year earlier.
And to think they used to be babies. (Calix and McKenzee)
Last night was miserable. I think it's the first time that I didn't work a shift that I was supposed to, and didn't come home and get completely drunk. I had taken a day off here and there and given up a shift just because I desired to get drunk.
I paced the house, started a book, and cleaned up a little. I sat in bed with Kaiti until about 1AM. Then I retreated to the living room so that I could let her sleep.
It's a terrible feeling. My throat quenches of thirst for beer. I drank water all night, until I decided to mix it up and make a pitcher of apple juice. I lay on the couch for a couple of hours watching tv and thinking.
I am trying my hardest. I will not give in.
Kaiti has been doing good at talking me out of liquor store trips and even threatening me when I ask for some. She has been my strength so far.
But I get cold sweats and stomach aches and I cramp up. It hasn't even been that long but it's like my body is so used to having alchohol in it that it's turning on me. My head hurts and I'm shaky.
Even this morning I wanted a drink. I never drink in the morning. I know it will pass.
I started rewarding myself with a blue star on my calendar for everyday that I don't drink and a black "x" for everytime I slip up. So far, so good. It's like Kenzee's star chart for when she does her chores or shares or eats all her dinner. Except I don't get to go to the toy store when I reach a certain number of stars.
My reward will be much larger.
Cigarettes are on their way out of here, too. What once was a pack or more a day (depending on my drinking), has gone to two or three cigarettes. I got Nicorette patches and I will start using those soon. I want to try cold turkey first. I don't want some patch pumping me with nicotine.
Anyway, thanks to some graciousness, I was able to pay my rent on time. That was a huge help for us and we are so thankful. Now it's time to tackle the other stuff. Not spending $20 a night on booze should help out quite a bit. I'm excited to see the difference.
If you haven't noticed, I've been writing alot lately as well. It helps keep my mind of everything. I want to upgrade my blog. I think I will soon. I want to make it look all fancy and use different texts and use lots of pictures.
Hopefully they allow me to work tonight. It would be a huge help to us. The Broncos play tonight so I would think it would be busy. We shall see.
Also, I have to go to my old restaurant today to reapply. I need a backup plan and although it's not alot of money, it could sure help. I want to get a different job all together, but with Kaiti's schooling it leaves me limited to what I can do. Hopefully when she graduates we can both work mornings so that we can have the evenings as a family.
I also applied for school at Red Rocks. I am supposed to start in January, but I have to work out a lot of the details. I want to go study Renewable Energy Technology. It seems like it will be a good career a little down the road. Especially with Obama vowing to spend a lot of money finding other options aside from oil. A degree is 61 credits, about 2 years I think. I'm still undecided though. I will keep you updated.
Anyway, I got to get up and start my day for real now. I will talk to you all soon.
So, I go to work tonight ready to kick some behind and make some money. I was on a mission. Rent is due today and I am still short. I figured I'd make at least $200 and I'd be OK to write a check for rent at midnight. Then- like a brick to the temple, I get there and they have decided to close the upstairs of the restaurant. That's where I work 4 days a week. They say it's too cold and they don't see a point in keeping two bars open when they can't even keep one bar full. That's BS. The past two years they have been open and it stayed busy the whole time. The problem is that when the balcony is open, nobody wants to sit downstairs because they'd rather drink and smoke out on the balcony. Now that the balcony is closed, there are only so many places to sit. In turn, the whole restaurant stays full. My district manager doesn't see it that way. So, I lose my shift tonight, and he says tomorrow probably too. Where does that leave me? On the verge of a breakdown. I want to drink. But I won't. I fear this may be the biggest obstacle I've ever faced. McKenzee's B-day is Monday and I won't have any money for a gift. My rent is due NOW, and I can't pay it. My car payment is due Tuesday. I don't know how I'll pay it. My car insurance is past due and has to be payed by the 9th or it gets cancelled. It goes on and on. I am looking right now for a new job, but even if I got one tomorrow, I wouldn't get payed in time. I am a complete mess and I feel like I let my family down.
So, my soberness is coming along. But it's not coming along easily. I've been doing much better, but I am now willing to admit that I am an alcoholic. I just need to focus and find something else that will occupy my mind so I don't resort back to the booze. I want to quit so badly. It's just so hard. I had an easier time cutting drugs from my life. I guess I just see alchohol as 1. Legal, 2. Less harmful and 3. A good way to have fun at social events.
I woke up a week ago, Monday, and couldn't remember much from the night before. But I remembered that I drove to the store. I drove. Drunk. I swore I wouldn't do that, but my decision making when I'm drinking is terrible. After that night, I started feeling bad for myself. What am I becoming? I am feeling depressed alot lately and I just want to be left alone.
I am forehead deep in debt and my phone just rings and rings and rings. I'm at the point where I feel so overwhelmed that I just want the tide to wash over me and take me away. I feel like a big powerful elephant who has ten lions hanging from his flesh. He fights and fights, throwing lions off of him, but eventually- you see it in his eyes. He knows he has to give up.
Now, I'm NOT suicidal. Don't think that. Although on that same night I drove, I was mumbling rubbish about being suicidal to Kaiti. But rest assured, I would never do that. I do love my life and my wife and children, but this Chinese water torture of financial hell has me screaming "ENOUGH!!!!".
There is relief in sight. A few months away. If we can just stay afloat until then, then I am confident we can get back on top of things. Kaiti will be getting in the neighborhood of $2500 from school and I will be recieving taxes almost double that. We just have to keep plugging away and prioritizing.
As for alchohol, I want to make everyone proud, so I am really trying. I have been really trying for awhile now, but then I'll slip up. I get bored. I crave it and when a football game is on or something, I feel like I have to drink.
I know there are other things I could be doing. More productive things. Something that produces results. But I am exhausted all the time. My job is wearing on me. It is hard being away all the time. My hours are my biggest problem. Who WANTS to work until 2 in the morning? It's just that right now it's a necessary evil. It also keeps me sober.
Last night was hard on me. I couldn't sleep. I was sweaty, like a meth addict or something. I really just wanted a beer. "Just a six pack", I kept pleading to Kaiti, but she has been strong and insisted that I don't drink. I went to King Soopers last night just to walk around, to take my mind off of everything. I ran into a friend of mine. He was a regular at the bar but I hadn't seen him in months. He looked much slimmer than I remembered and seemed different. I asked where he had been and he told me that he was no longer drinking. Something about the courts are making him stay dry for 2 years. He said it wasn't a DUI or anything, but felt ashamed to tell me what had happened. So, I left it at that.
I have an honest desire to be sober for the rest of my life. To feel happy, and energized and motivated. I don't have those qualities right now, but I'm working on it. I did just get two new books from the grocery store (50% off- Sorry Barnes & Nobles). I got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy and "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire. I'll start them this week.
I may have to take up Hannah on her weight loss fun, too. I weighed myself because I've been feeling alot larger than usual, and I was 197 pounds. So, back to the workout room for me. I seem to lose weight really fast when I don't drink for awhile.
This week and next week are trying times for me and the family in terms of bills due in a small amount of time. If I can get through this without drinking, then that's a small battle won for me. I close the next four nights and hopefully I can make some money. Otherwise, we'll just have to let things take their course.
Anyway, I have to get to work, so I will talk to you all soon. I hope you voted!!!
EFFIN IDIOT!!!!!!! WORDS CANNOT GO THE LENGTH TO DESCRIBE THE SICK FEELING I GET IN MY STOMACH EVERY SECOND SHE OPENS HER STUPID MOUTH. I WANT TO VOMIT WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF HER RUNNING THE COUNTRY. SHE IS ONE 72 YEAR OLDS HEART ATTACK AWAY FROM BEING THE PRESIDENT. I WISH THE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE EXISTED SO SHE COULD JUST DISAPPEAR.
SO SAD THAT HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN THOUGH. WE ALWAYS TAKE THE KIDS TO THE MALL TO TRICK OR TREAT FIRST BECAUSE THERE'S A TON OF KIDS THERE AND IT'S FUN TO SHOW OFF OUR KIDS COSTUMES. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAND OUT THE WORST CANDY (DUM-DUMS AND JOLLY RANCHERS), IT'S A GOOD TIME. THEN WE WENT TO SOME TOWNHOMES BY OUR HOUSE. THAT'S WHERE THE KIDS STRUCK GOLD. CANDY BARS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS AND CHEETO BALLS, ETC. WE ONLY STAYED OUT UNTIL ABOUT 8 AND THEN WE GOT HOME AND WATCHED THE REST OF GHOST HUNTERS LIVE. IT WAS PRETTY COOL. ANYWAY- I GOTTA RUN SO I CAN GET READY FOR WORK. I'LL WRITE MORE LATER. HERE ARE SOME PICTURES FOR YOU-
MY PRETTY LITTLE TINKERBELL
TRICK OR TREATING THROUGH THE MALL
GREAT GRANDMA GOT THE TRICK OR TREATING STARTED
TRICK OR TREAT!!!
CHIK-FIL-A COW MAKES AN APPEARANCE
CINDERELLA, MEET TINKERBELL
PETER PAN, OR ROBIN HOOD (AS MOST PEOPLE KEPT CALLING HIM)
WHAT'S WITH THE FACE MS MCKENZEE?
ISN'T HE THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE MAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN?