Tuesday, December 15, 2009

For the last time

Struggles within our personal lives, whether it be our past, present or future cause us uncertainty and disrupt the natural flow that we should just go along with. Instead of just enjoying the company of each other, or appreciating the little things we are given each and every day- we sometimes project our own problems on to other people. Nobody is perfect by any means and I am an example of this. I have a troubled past that haunts me each and every day. As I'm sure everyone knows I dabbled in drugs, STILL struggle with alcohol and have huge abandonment issues. Girls from my past have ruined me. I have walked in on people who were supposed to love me sleeping with other men. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of pain. So in turn I feel like no woman that comes my way could ever possibly be a real "good" girl and I treat them (Kaiti) as if it's only a matter of time before she lets me down. That's not fair and I know this. I need to learn to let that go. THAT was my past. Today I stare down the barrel of a shotgun, constantly pressured to make ends meet. Because of the stress I cannot be myself. I was doing so well being sober and I was very happy and I felt great everyday. But somehow I found myself right back in the thick of it again. It is incredible how I lose my entire self through this. It effects everyone around me. It's something I am working on and I hope to get completely clean someday soon. I've heard that people say what they mean when they are drunk. But I'll tell you what, I can't remember ever waking up and saying, "Man I'm glad I said that last night to her." Alcohol makes you invincible. Period. You do not care who you hurt or what you say as long as you are right. You almost need to say something derogatory to get that reaction and satisfaction that you are looking for. Our present right now is uncertain. The only thing that I know for sure today is that I love this woman. That's what I know TODAY. I know that for the past 5+ years I have loved this one and only woman. But I am learning today, and every day from here on out that I have a lot of work to do. WE have a lot of work to do. We are very passionate about each other. So much so that we tend to hurt each other as much as we can. I do not hate her. She does not hate me. But when we fight- we hate each other. Not really, but we'll say it. We'll tell the people closest to us just how much we hate each other and it creates these alliances. So now Kaiti will have her family bashing me, and I'll have my family bashing her and everyone is giving us advice on what to do and blah, blah, blah. We love hard and we fight even harder. But if there was no love, there would be no care. It would just be easy to not give a hell about her and let her do whatever she wanted but it wouldn't be right. I do care about her. When I look at her I am in complete love and I feel so at peace. We have fit together so well since day 1 and she is without a doubt my very best friend. I seek comfort in her and I truly do trust her. I haven't let that show however. Instead of just focusing on myself and what I need to be doing, I get caught up in what she's doing all the time. I now will vow to just let her be herself. She can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. I have no choice but to just let her make her own choices. I know she won't hurt me. If I focus too much on the past and not the present then surely there will be no future. I am working on that as well. Kaiti is severely depressed and she can get in these moods where life just flat out sucks. I believe it got the worst when her friend passed. It has been a trying time for her and at times I have not let her heal properly. Lets just say I have picked that scab before. But at the same time it felt to me like his passing was being taken out on me daily. Maybe I was just being selfish but at the time I just wanted some attention that Kaiti was unable to give me. But I believe I have gotten much better lately with that issue. Most of Kaitis friends are out of town and she finds it hard to be happy without having a real friend close by that she can go to whenever she wants or just to hang out with. She is stuck in this house all week long and I don't know what to do about it. It's not what I want for her. But her friend does move back in March and I really hope that will ease some of her stress. There are several small issues that we are dealing with as a family but they are not irreconcilable. They are fixable. Bridges have been burnt. But they will be rebuilt. Words have been said. But they will be forgiven. Plans have been made and they will be followed through on. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is so much better when we are together. Not a day goes by that I am not in love with her and I know she loves me just as much. We will get better in time. Through patience, understanding, forgiveness and most of all togetherness. Kaiti and I know where we belong. Every time she pulls me close to her, or steps in my way to steal a kiss. Every night when we fall asleep in each others grasp and i run my fingers through her hair. Every kiss on the forehead. Every backscratching. Every smile and every laugh. We know everything about each other and I promise you that we are very much in love. So to all of you I say this, and I believe Kaiti is doing the same thing. No longer will I voice displeasure to anyone about anything that happens between my wife and I. It is nobodys problem but ours and we will deal with it from within. I believe that has been our biggest flaw. There are bridges that need to be rebuilt and we will get back to where we were. Wish us the best. We love you all!!!


Saint Holiday said...

Your only hope is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I invite you to go see your Bishop soon. I love you.


Abby said...

I love you, Micah! You get no assvice from this girl :)

Noah said...

I wish you the best as always!

YogaNana said...

We're always behind you.


Danielle said...

I felt like that before, where if ending my life would be easier than going through the pain. I know I won't ever kill myself, but I was just so depressed because I could not see myself changing in the areas that I need to. My husband says the first step to change is acknowleding where you need to change. This gave me encouragement to not be so hard on myself. I opened up the Bible to Ecclesiastes 9, and I have tears in my eyes now. It said God only has favor with the living...it says even a living dog has more hope than a dead lion. It says the living have hope! I have hope! You have hope! Thank you for your honest post. I don't even know you, but reading your post reminded me that I'm not the only one struggling to change. My prayer for you today is that you truly feel loved by God, by your wife, by your children. Allow yourself to feel the love!

Thoughts said...

Hey, I finally noticed the "next blog" button today so here I am and I want to share my blog with you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Marie

lostmother said...

I dnt know you. But I stumbled upon your blog and I wanted to thank you. I can completely relate...I am not in recovery but I have a chronic illness that makes me feel exactly like you and add my daughters recovery from anorexia and all that entails. I am sorry you are feeling like you are Ive been there and thank you for sharing..but we all must go on and it helps to know we are no alone. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Dee said...

WOW, that's deep....you know Jesus has a way of taking care of all of our problems....you know it's amazing how when HE comes in your life, how much of a change you will see....Hope it all works out with your girlfriend....
I just started a blog on here...was looking at other blogs and found yours...very interesting...God bless, Dee

Jimmy said...

Amazing post! But most of all, you need to believe in yourself.

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Rice said...

Wow, I haven't read but the three latest posts, but I want to let you know I appreciate the length and sincerity of your opinions and posts. Insightful and applicable to lives that need not be related to yours, your blog gets my thumbs up of approval, no doubt. I'll be checking back occasionally. With someone as eloquent as yourself, it would be an honor to have you provide some feedback on my art and photography (located on my blog).

Thanks for contributing to the blogging community so positively and passionately,


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lisa said...

Hey Micah, I also pushed the next blog tab and here I am. I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been sober for nearly three years.I pat myself on the back for that! My blog is called 'life has a habit of biting us on the bum' so if you get a chance take a look. Its a new blog so at the moment I have only one post titled 'Its just a blip.' It seems we have a few things in common and I would love to become friends. Life is hard, sobriety is hard, but its worth holding on to. Take care. Lisa http://bitmeonthebum.blogspot.com/

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Real Chick said...

I hope you're serious. And I wish you luck. And as the wife of a real life alcoholic I would like to give you a heads up you may not see coming.

It's only after an alcoholic/addict sobers up that they realize that while they were high or drunk, the world keep right on going. The people around them had to go on living and - hopefully - growing, in spite of a lack of growth on the part of the alcoholic in their lives. Sometimes a person sobers up only to realize they don't know the people standing around them anymore because the alcoholic was drunk when these people changed.

Another hard fact to accept is that a lot of those changes are sometimes brought about by the alcoholic's behavior. An alcoholic who refuses to get help risks a little more of the things that matter in his or her life every single day that they use or drink. And some of those things - once they're gone - will never come back. It has nothing to do with forgiveness or love or patience. It has to do with destruction. Addiction is a very destructive force. It destroys trust, it destroys dignity, it destroys friendships and it destroys lives. That's why it is so important for an addict to get help before they destroy relationships and situations they can never get back.

Your wife has apparently stuck this out with you so far. But don't be surprised if she moves on without you even after you're sober. If she does, remember this.

It doesn't mean she didn't love you. It doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. It simply means that she is doing the same thing you are doing. She's getting better. She's learning to love herself enough to go after the life she wants. And she's well enough to tell someone, "No," when they ask her to live in a marriage that didn't provide her with the support or love or security she needed.

If that does happen don't let it be the crutch you'll use to start drinking again. Accept that your past decisions to not get sober are what put you where you are and NEVER let those bad decisions rob you of anything again.

Being sober is hard. Especially at first. But it is worth it. After all the dust settles you'll see that it is worth it because at least if you're sober you can rebuild your life. As it is, while you're drinking, all you're doing is tearing things down.

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