To all who read my blog, I say Thank You. It has been forever since I have posted but I feel like I'm ready to return now. It's been quite the journey for me over the past couple of years and to spare you all the details, I can simply say that I am now completely clean. The sobriety date is February 17, 2012 and I am very happy to say that I am now 5 weeks without a cigarette. I guess I have what they call an "addictive personality". I must have something to quench my need for, well, anything. This has been the struggle of my life. I could have taken the high and mighty road and ended my marriage years ago and continued down the path I was on however I chose the road less traveled. I'm old-fashioned. Some may say to a fault, but I don't believe that's possible. Let me make something perfectly clear. I LOVE MY WIFE. I LOVE MY CHILDREN. My family is all that truly matters to me. Hopefully, if you are reading this you share that sentiment with me. They are why I am battling these demons tooth and nail, day and night. As a bartender I see my friends falling apart and I get to at least be the word of the wise when they need some sober advice. Nothing I do will ever really help anyone. Words are more effective I believe. I've seen courtships begin at the bar and marriages end there as well. I've seen successful people turn unsuccessful and turn to self-medication. I've turned guests away simply because I care. I truly care about people. So when I say I can't do anything that will make a difference I mean I can't do anything but "call you a cab", literally and figuratively. By figuratively I mean I can advise you to let someone else take the wheel. What you do is up to you. In my life I have done it all. That is NOT a good thing. I could tell you about regrets for days maybe weeks. I know the old Marilyn Monroe quote, "Don't regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted", but that's a cop out to me. We have decisions to make every day. Sometimes we get caught up in the moment and yeah, at that exact moment that was what you wanted. Sometimes though that moment was influenced by something or someone by whom had it or they not been around you may have made a different choice. In any case, if you realize later that a choice you made was a bad choice, don't excuse it with that Monroe quote. It doesn't make it right. I encourage those I meet to spend more time with their family and to never fall out of love. Flirting with your spouse doesn't get old. I love flirting with my wife still and we are coming up on our 9 year anniversary. Marriages end when couples stop trying. I intend to never stop courting my wife. Back to the topic at hand, my absence from my blog is mainly due to the struggles I endured during my days of sobering up. I can tell you first hand that it's not easy but I can also confirm wholeheartedly that it IS possible. Though I will always be an addict, I am now free of my addictions. I wish I had taken you all on my journey as I got clean but honestly it was the last thing on my mind. There were nights where my mind was taking over and all I could do was curl up and sleep. Now I am on to my next journey. Getting healthy. I've already taken such a monumentally huge step by ridding my body of the toxic substances I was putting in. Now it's time to lose the weight I gained and get myself back in shape. I'm talking weight-lifting, Yoga, dieting, running, etc. I will include pictures to map my progress no matter how embarrassing they may be to me. I have another blog that I will be duplicating my posts on for my other viewers. I want to be an inspiration to someone. It doesn't have to be everyone. Just one person would make it all worthwhile. Along the way I would LOVE your feedback, advice and whatever else you have to say. Reinforcement will be a valuable tool for me. Tomorrow will be the day I plan out meals and workout plans. I will be giving certain foods up of course and I will be going into yoga as a complete novice. Please join me and tell me how you're doing in your progress as well. If you are getting clean right now and have any questions for me PLEASE ASK. I would love to help you out as well. Get ready friends. The journey begins on MONDAY, OCTOBER 14. I'm looking forward to it.
Struggles within our personal lives, whether it be our past, present or future cause us uncertainty and disrupt the natural flow that we should just go along with. Instead of just enjoying the company of each other, or appreciating the little things we are given each and every day- we sometimes project our own problems on to other people. Nobody is perfect by any means and I am an example of this. I have a troubled past that haunts me each and every day. As I'm sure everyone knows I dabbled in drugs, STILL struggle with alcohol and have huge abandonment issues. Girls from my past have ruined me. I have walked in on people who were supposed to love me sleeping with other men. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of pain. So in turn I feel like no woman that comes my way could ever possibly be a real "good" girl and I treat them (Kaiti) as if it's only a matter of time before she lets me down. That's not fair and I know this. I need to learn to let that go. THAT was my past. Today I stare down the barrel of a shotgun, constantly pressured to make ends meet. Because of the stress I cannot be myself. I was doing so well being sober and I was very happy and I felt great everyday. But somehow I found myself right back in the thick of it again. It is incredible how I lose my entire self through this. It effects everyone around me. It's something I am working on and I hope to get completely clean someday soon. I've heard that people say what they mean when they are drunk. But I'll tell you what, I can't remember ever waking up and saying, "Man I'm glad I said that last night to her." Alcohol makes you invincible. Period. You do not care who you hurt or what you say as long as you are right. You almost need to say something derogatory to get that reaction and satisfaction that you are looking for. Our present right now is uncertain. The only thing that I know for sure today is that I love this woman. That's what I know TODAY. I know that for the past 5+ years I have loved this one and only woman. But I am learning today, and every day from here on out that I have a lot of work to do. WE have a lot of work to do. We are very passionate about each other. So much so that we tend to hurt each other as much as we can. I do not hate her. She does not hate me. But when we fight- we hate each other. Not really, but we'll say it. We'll tell the people closest to us just how much we hate each other and it creates these alliances. So now Kaiti will have her family bashing me, and I'll have my family bashing her and everyone is giving us advice on what to do and blah, blah, blah. We love hard and we fight even harder. But if there was no love, there would be no care. It would just be easy to not give a hell about her and let her do whatever she wanted but it wouldn't be right. I do care about her. When I look at her I am in complete love and I feel so at peace. We have fit together so well since day 1 and she is without a doubt my very best friend. I seek comfort in her and I truly do trust her. I haven't let that show however. Instead of just focusing on myself and what I need to be doing, I get caught up in what she's doing all the time. I now will vow to just let her be herself. She can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. I have no choice but to just let her make her own choices. I know she won't hurt me. If I focus too much on the past and not the present then surely there will be no future. I am working on that as well. Kaiti is severely depressed and she can get in these moods where life just flat out sucks. I believe it got the worst when her friend passed. It has been a trying time for her and at times I have not let her heal properly. Lets just say I have picked that scab before. But at the same time it felt to me like his passing was being taken out on me daily. Maybe I was just being selfish but at the time I just wanted some attention that Kaiti was unable to give me. But I believe I have gotten much better lately with that issue. Most of Kaitis friends are out of town and she finds it hard to be happy without having a real friend close by that she can go to whenever she wants or just to hang out with. She is stuck in this house all week long and I don't know what to do about it. It's not what I want for her. But her friend does move back in March and I really hope that will ease some of her stress. There are several small issues that we are dealing with as a family but they are not irreconcilable. They are fixable. Bridges have been burnt. But they will be rebuilt. Words have been said. But they will be forgiven. Plans have been made and they will be followed through on. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is so much better when we are together. Not a day goes by that I am not in love with her and I know she loves me just as much. We will get better in time. Through patience, understanding, forgiveness and most of all togetherness. Kaiti and I know where we belong. Every time she pulls me close to her, or steps in my way to steal a kiss. Every night when we fall asleep in each others grasp and i run my fingers through her hair. Every kiss on the forehead. Every backscratching. Every smile and every laugh. We know everything about each other and I promise you that we are very much in love. So to all of you I say this, and I believe Kaiti is doing the same thing. No longer will I voice displeasure to anyone about anything that happens between my wife and I. It is nobodys problem but ours and we will deal with it from within. I believe that has been our biggest flaw. There are bridges that need to be rebuilt and we will get back to where we were. Wish us the best. We love you all!!!
How do I put the pieces of my life back together? What do I do with those misshapen parts of myself, the parts that are old, frayed and tattered?
Recovery is the art of making order out of chaos. A person making beautiful patchwork quilts looks at many different shapes of material and puts them together to form a work of art. A quilter will not use every piece, nor will a quilter throw odd shapes away as unfit. An artist will examine each piece to determine whether it will enhance the overall beauty of the final design.
As an alcoholic, I become impatient with my own healing process. I want to get rid of all the nasty parts of myself...NOW. Any imperfect piece I want to dispose of immediately.
Let me take a lesson from the quiltmaker. I will examine all parts of myself before I make decisions to "keep" or "throw out". Who I am is all I have to work with. There is no need to rip myself apart and start over.
With love and patience, I am learning to make order out of my personal chaos. A work of art is in the making.
This last month has been awfully draining. I have come to many forks in the road and have taken the wrong one more often than not. After being clean for a little while, I slipped right back into my addiction. It's not an excuse for the way I've been behaving, but it is truly the reason. Alcohol makes me invincible. It's a great feeling to be carefree for awhile, especially when the stress of money and work press on my shoulders every day. I like to hang out at the bar with my friends and just let go. It's fun to me. But it's not casual drinking, and it's not in moderation. I can't keep it to a few drinks. I fill myself to the top until I can't drink another drop. This drinking has cost me a lot lately. A lot of money, time and most importantly, my wife.
I want to clear something up. This is MY fault. I have been sitting here thinking and thinking and it is clear to me. I love you all very much and appreciate your support but I need to say that I want nobody to have hard feelings towards Kaiti. I did this to myself.
Kaiti has put up with more than she's ever really had to. She is my best friend in the world and we have had way more good times than bad, but it's the bad times that stick out for some reason. We have been growing old together and raising our beautiful children the best way we know how.
She has always been there for me when I really need her and we make each other laugh. She's my support. My birthday was screwed up because I had to go and get drunk and run my mouth and hurt her feelings. I don't blame her for not wanting to be around. I'm a mess.
She's truly a good girl and I will spend the rest of my life loving her. I understand that she doesn't love me anymore because I'm not Micah these days. I don't know who I am anymore really. I am hungover as I write this. I don't even want to look at myself. I'm the reason we are seperating.
She wants some time away to get her stuff together. That's just the way it is. We told each other that it's not forever. Not yet. She said I could take her on dates and I could still make love to her. This has nothing to do with another guy. I just screwed up. Over and over and over. We are best friends and we will continue to be throughout this hard time.
I am going to AA meetings soon. I am awaiting a call from The Freedom Center to set up my treatment. I am excited to get well and get back to basics.
I want to get to know Kaiti. I want to show her who I really am and not put her through this hell. I want to get dressed up and take her out on the town or make her a nice candlelit dinner. I want to take her dancing. I want to show her that I can be a better man.
This is going to be a very difficult time for me as I fight to get clean and fight for my family and I appreciate everyones kind words. It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is.
It's not forever. Hopefully. I can no longer expect her to love me when I don't even love myself. But I CAN get better. I'm sorry for all the things I have said about Kaiti to you all. She's a great girl. Pray for us.
It has been a long time since I have posted anything. It's not that nothing has been happening, because believe me a lot has. We have gone to the museum and the fun park and everything. Things have been great.
Until a couple of days ago.
Kaiti was all set to attend her graduation ceremony from PIMA Medical School on Friday. Her father was in town to be in attendance and we were all so excited to watch her walk up on stage to receive her diploma. She received a phone call early that day from her old friend. She was informed that her best friend was hospitalized and the outlook wasn't so good.
David Holland has been in my wife's life for over 10 years and he was an outstanding guy. He is the Godfather of both of our children and the best friend Kaiti has ever had. He was hardworking. He was kind. He was GREAT with McKenzee, Madden and Mari. He was family. He would call sometimes for Kaiti and I would end up talking to him for long periods about football and we would always make plans to get together and BBQ and watch the game. He took care of my wife when she was down. He was her go to guy. In all the time they knew each other they didn't fight once. They were very close.
David had a problem though. Almost like the demons I had in my past. I struggled for a long time with drugs. Mainly heroine and Meth. I'm still not sure how I escaped the grip of them, but I did. Maybe it was when I got the call from Mom when she wasn't doing well and I had to leave the state and come to Colorado. David's demon was pills. It was bad. Kaiti had expressed to me her concern before. But it's only pills, right?
Recently, Kaiti had gone to his mother and expressed her concern which resulted in him moving back into his parents house so he could get clean. He was doing so well there. He was fixing himself and everything was great. When Kaiti would talk to him she would always relay the message of how well he was getting.
But this night, he must have been lonely.....desperate....couldn't sleep. Late on Thursday night he recieved a phone call from a "friend" telling him she had some really strong Oxycontin. He invited her down to Colorado Springs from Denver. She jumped at it.
He took two.
The next morning they tried to wake him up for work but he wouldn't wake up. They figured he was just hungover or something and let him sleep.
It wasn't until later that they realized he wasn't breathing. He was hospitalized in ICU. The machine breathed for him. He showed very little sign of waking up, but he wrapped his pinkie around Kaiti's finger when she tried to hold his hand. His eye opened for a minute but it was a blank stare.
His body stiffened like he was having quick seizures. His wrist twisted with a half fist showing sure signs of brain trauma. They gave him a 2% chance of waking up.
But he's David. He's a strong man and it's way too early for him to go. I tried my hardest to stay positive. I got angry with Kaiti when she'd cry saying, "He's gonna wake up." I just had to believe that he would be OK.
Not yet...not yet...not now.....
Sunday morning comes and the phone rings early. I answer, mostly asleep, and the lady on the other end asks for Kaiti. I knew it then. I handed Kaiti the phone and she declined, still asleep herself. I said, "Kaiti, I think you ought to take this." Not more than 10 seconds later....it was to be. David had passed.
It just doesn't make sense to me. With all the shit that walks this earth, WHY? My poor angel has to live each day now without her best friend. When we first got the news he was in the hospital, we were with some friends. One of them works in a hospital and he described the things he has to see. Seeing people die. Daily. He texted his boyfriend one night just to say, "I hate it when they die. I love you."
I just don't get why she keeps losing people. She doesn't deserve to be so sad and it breaks my heart because all I strive to do in my life is to see her happy. I don't care about anything else. I would do anything for her. But to see her shattered and not know how to put her together again is the most defeated feeling I've ever felt.
I understand the reality of death. I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. But losing someone is always difficult. Especially your best friend. Never before has it been more clear to me that I should (and will) tell my children and Kaiti how much I love them and appreciate them everyday. Tomorrow is too late. We have buried her aunt Kelly, her uncle James and now her best friend David. It's been happening too often. I just look at her and taer up knowing the pain she's endured lately. It's always something. I don't know what else to say but-