Last night was miserable. I think it's the first time that I didn't work a shift that I was supposed to, and didn't come home and get completely drunk. I had taken a day off here and there and given up a shift just because I desired to get drunk.
I paced the house, started a book, and cleaned up a little. I sat in bed with Kaiti until about 1AM. Then I retreated to the living room so that I could let her sleep.
It's a terrible feeling. My throat quenches of thirst for beer. I drank water all night, until I decided to mix it up and make a pitcher of apple juice. I lay on the couch for a couple of hours watching tv and thinking.
I am trying my hardest. I will not give in.
Kaiti has been doing good at talking me out of liquor store trips and even threatening me when I ask for some. She has been my strength so far.
But I get cold sweats and stomach aches and I cramp up. It hasn't even been that long but it's like my body is so used to having alchohol in it that it's turning on me. My head hurts and I'm shaky.
Even this morning I wanted a drink. I never drink in the morning. I know it will pass.
I started rewarding myself with a blue star on my calendar for everyday that I don't drink and a black "x" for everytime I slip up. So far, so good. It's like Kenzee's star chart for when she does her chores or shares or eats all her dinner. Except I don't get to go to the toy store when I reach a certain number of stars.
My reward will be much larger.
Cigarettes are on their way out of here, too. What once was a pack or more a day (depending on my drinking), has gone to two or three cigarettes. I got Nicorette patches and I will start using those soon. I want to try cold turkey first. I don't want some patch pumping me with nicotine.
Anyway, thanks to some graciousness, I was able to pay my rent on time. That was a huge help for us and we are so thankful. Now it's time to tackle the other stuff. Not spending $20 a night on booze should help out quite a bit. I'm excited to see the difference.
If you haven't noticed, I've been writing alot lately as well. It helps keep my mind of everything. I want to upgrade my blog. I think I will soon. I want to make it look all fancy and use different texts and use lots of pictures.
Hopefully they allow me to work tonight. It would be a huge help to us. The Broncos play tonight so I would think it would be busy. We shall see.
Also, I have to go to my old restaurant today to reapply. I need a backup plan and although it's not alot of money, it could sure help. I want to get a different job all together, but with Kaiti's schooling it leaves me limited to what I can do. Hopefully when she graduates we can both work mornings so that we can have the evenings as a family.
I also applied for school at Red Rocks. I am supposed to start in January, but I have to work out a lot of the details. I want to go study Renewable Energy Technology. It seems like it will be a good career a little down the road. Especially with Obama vowing to spend a lot of money finding other options aside from oil. A degree is 61 credits, about 2 years I think. I'm still undecided though. I will keep you updated.
Anyway, I got to get up and start my day for real now. I will talk to you all soon.
Holding my head high
5 hours ago