I Love You, Kaitlin.

I guess it's true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Or in my case, almost gone.

Today was a bad day. Kaiti and I had been arguing about something stupid and I decided to just leave. I had to buy a new uniform for work. I was gone for about an hour when I decided to come home. I was going to go get a haircut and pick up a few groceries so we could survive another day. But I didn't. I had to get home.

I turned on the computer and started browsing away, while Kaiti laid on the bed next to me. She was about to fall asleep for her afternoon nap when suddenly she sat up and said, "Oh, No."

I looked over at her and she was flexing her fingers and fanning her face. I was sure it was an anxiety attack. She gets them from time to time and they usually blow right over. So, I watched her and asked, "Are you OK?". She wouldn't respond to me. Numerous times I repeated the question, and every time I got no answer. "This must be a bad one", I thought.

She started to calm down so I laid in bed with her. Not more than a minute later she sat up again with this crazy look on her face and said to me,"I'm going to go to sleep now."

She fell off of the bed violently and began to seizure. Her body was stiff, her head tilted back, and her arms were flimsy. She shook crazily and made horrible sounds. Blood dripped from her mouth. I sat next to her trying to calm her down as Mari watched, crying her eyes out.

I ran for the phone and called 911. Tears poured from my eyes.

I had never felt so helpless.

I stayed on the line with the paramedics as Kaiti continued to flail away. With each motion, my heart broke a little more. Thank God the children were sleeping. Even I can't get over it.

It went on for a good 4-5 minutes. For the whole phone conversation. And then, she stopped. No pulse, no breathing. I felt her wrist and then her neck over and over but I got nothing. This is not happening. Then, a violent breath. and another.

And she began to snore. Her breathing was bad, but it was breathing. Long inhales, lazy, long exhales. I rolled her on her side so she wouldn't swallow her tongue and I ran my fingers through her hair trying to comfort her. Her eyes were still partially open and a blank stare looked up at me as I gazed lovingly and completely desperate into her eyes.

The paramedics showed up about 5 minutes later. Six of them stormed into the house and began checking her vitals. They confirmed it was a seizure and carried her down to the ambulance. She wasn't responding to anything she was asked. The doors to the ambulance closed and she was gone.

I quickly got Zach to come over to watch the kids. Then Mari and I got in the car and headed to the ER to meet up with her. I stayed for about 5 hours and they ran multiple tests on her. About an hour after she gained conciousness she started to come around. She had no idea what day it was, where she was, or anything. The doctor said he needed to keep her at least overnight to monitor her and do more tests.

So I waited it out with her in the ER until she had to go to her room. I layed my head next to hers and wrapped my arms around her as she fell asleep.

"I love THIS woman", I thought in my head over and over.

I kissed her lips, told her I loved her, and walked out the door with my head down. Tonight the hospital has my wife. Tommorrow I want her back. And I want her fixed.

I love you Kaiti-bean. With all my heart and soul. I miss you already. You know, I complain alot about how broke I am but tonight I realized what I really can't afford and it had nothing to do with money.

Sweet dreams beautiful. I'll see you bright and early in the morning.

I'll be the guy with the roses.