Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Anyone can dig a hole, but it takes a real man to call it home

So, my soberness is coming along. But it's not coming along easily. I've been doing much better, but I am now willing to admit that I am an alcoholic. I just need to focus and find something else that will occupy my mind so I don't resort back to the booze. I want to quit so badly. It's just so hard. I had an easier time cutting drugs from my life. I guess I just see alchohol as 1. Legal, 2. Less harmful and 3. A good way to have fun at social events.

I woke up a week ago, Monday, and couldn't remember much from the night before. But I remembered that I drove to the store. I drove. Drunk. I swore I wouldn't do that, but my decision making when I'm drinking is terrible. After that night, I started feeling bad for myself. What am I becoming? I am feeling depressed alot lately and I just want to be left alone.

I am forehead deep in debt and my phone just rings and rings and rings. I'm at the point where I feel so overwhelmed that I just want the tide to wash over me and take me away. I feel like a big powerful elephant who has ten lions hanging from his flesh. He fights and fights, throwing lions off of him, but eventually- you see it in his eyes. He knows he has to give up.

Now, I'm NOT suicidal. Don't think that. Although on that same night I drove, I was mumbling rubbish about being suicidal to Kaiti. But rest assured, I would never do that. I do love my life and my wife and children, but this Chinese water torture of financial hell has me screaming "ENOUGH!!!!".

There is relief in sight. A few months away. If we can just stay afloat until then, then I am confident we can get back on top of things. Kaiti will be getting in the neighborhood of $2500 from school and I will be recieving taxes almost double that. We just have to keep plugging away and prioritizing.

As for alchohol, I want to make everyone proud, so I am really trying. I have been really trying for awhile now, but then I'll slip up. I get bored. I crave it and when a football game is on or something, I feel like I have to drink.

I know there are other things I could be doing. More productive things. Something that produces results. But I am exhausted all the time. My job is wearing on me. It is hard being away all the time. My hours are my biggest problem. Who WANTS to work until 2 in the morning? It's just that right now it's a necessary evil. It also keeps me sober.

Last night was hard on me. I couldn't sleep. I was sweaty, like a meth addict or something. I really just wanted a beer. "Just a six pack", I kept pleading to Kaiti, but she has been strong and insisted that I don't drink. I went to King Soopers last night just to walk around, to take my mind off of everything. I ran into a friend of mine. He was a regular at the bar but I hadn't seen him in months. He looked much slimmer than I remembered and seemed different. I asked where he had been and he told me that he was no longer drinking. Something about the courts are making him stay dry for 2 years. He said it wasn't a DUI or anything, but felt ashamed to tell me what had happened. So, I left it at that.

I have an honest desire to be sober for the rest of my life. To feel happy, and energized and motivated. I don't have those qualities right now, but I'm working on it. I did just get two new books from the grocery store (50% off- Sorry Barnes & Nobles). I got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy and "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire. I'll start them this week.

I may have to take up Hannah on her weight loss fun, too. I weighed myself because I've been feeling alot larger than usual, and I was 197 pounds. So, back to the workout room for me. I seem to lose weight really fast when I don't drink for awhile.

This week and next week are trying times for me and the family in terms of bills due in a small amount of time. If I can get through this without drinking, then that's a small battle won for me. I close the next four nights and hopefully I can make some money. Otherwise, we'll just have to let things take their course.

Anyway, I have to get to work, so I will talk to you all soon. I hope you voted!!!


Abby said...

I'm proud of you, Micah. I'm also on board with you in your quest for sobriety. While I don't drink on the nightly and haven't for a while.. I drink heavily on the weekends. O and I usually go through a handle of whiskey (SoCo, JD, or Captain) between Friday and Saturday and I always always end up feeling like warmed over crap the next day and the day after as I will repeat this process. I cannot continue to drink this way. My body literally *hurts* the next day because of what I've been putting it through for so long. I do not mind an occasional glass of wine..but I cannot continue to take shots as frequently as I have been. Ugh, just talking about it nauseates me!

Just know I'm proud of you and am also changing my lifestyle right along with you.

Jenna Consolo said...

And just think of the money you'll save if you give up alchohol! And giving it up is what you must do. I've heard (and I know it's true with other addictions) that you just can't be a social drinker if you're an alcoholic. It must be gone from your life, and I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I do know how strong you are, and how many people you've got pulling for you.

Can you join an AA group? I think a support group would be very vital.

I love you, Micah. You are worth this. And so much more.

YogaNana said...

I know you can do it, Micah. Keep at it -- and we've talked about AA before, I still think you'd do well to find a group. I have a TON of friends who are recovering alcoholics.

YogaNana said...

And also ... I love you.

Hannah said...

Yes please join in the weight loss fun!! It is fun and really good to have the accountability!

Maybe one thing you can do in helping to quit drinking is to stay away from your triggers. If you find the need to drink while watching the game, don't watch the game. (sorry, I know that sucks)
Mike is going through the same thing. I understand it's hard. It is doable though. And I agree with Jenna. If you're an alcoholic, you can't do just a 6 pack. That 6 pack might work for the first few weeks but it'll slowly turn into 2 six packs and then a case.
Keep at it though. We're behind you!