So, my soberness is coming along. But it's not coming along easily. I've been doing much better, but I am now willing to admit that I am an alcoholic. I just need to focus and find something else that will occupy my mind so I don't resort back to the booze. I want to quit so badly. It's just so hard. I had an easier time cutting drugs from my life. I guess I just see alchohol as 1. Legal, 2. Less harmful and 3. A good way to have fun at social events.
I woke up a week ago, Monday, and couldn't remember much from the night before. But I remembered that I drove to the store. I drove. Drunk. I swore I wouldn't do that, but my decision making when I'm drinking is terrible. After that night, I started feeling bad for myself. What am I becoming? I am feeling depressed alot lately and I just want to be left alone.
I am forehead deep in debt and my phone just rings and rings and rings. I'm at the point where I feel so overwhelmed that I just want the tide to wash over me and take me away. I feel like a big powerful elephant who has ten lions hanging from his flesh. He fights and fights, throwing lions off of him, but eventually- you see it in his eyes. He knows he has to give up.
Now, I'm NOT suicidal. Don't think that. Although on that same night I drove, I was mumbling rubbish about being suicidal to Kaiti. But rest assured, I would never do that. I do love my life and my wife and children, but this Chinese water torture of financial hell has me screaming "ENOUGH!!!!".
There is relief in sight. A few months away. If we can just stay afloat until then, then I am confident we can get back on top of things. Kaiti will be getting in the neighborhood of $2500 from school and I will be recieving taxes almost double that. We just have to keep plugging away and prioritizing.
As for alchohol, I want to make everyone proud, so I am really trying. I have been really trying for awhile now, but then I'll slip up. I get bored. I crave it and when a football game is on or something, I feel like I have to drink.
I know there are other things I could be doing. More productive things. Something that produces results. But I am exhausted all the time. My job is wearing on me. It is hard being away all the time. My hours are my biggest problem. Who WANTS to work until 2 in the morning? It's just that right now it's a necessary evil. It also keeps me sober.
Last night was hard on me. I couldn't sleep. I was sweaty, like a meth addict or something. I really just wanted a beer. "Just a six pack", I kept pleading to Kaiti, but she has been strong and insisted that I don't drink. I went to King Soopers last night just to walk around, to take my mind off of everything. I ran into a friend of mine. He was a regular at the bar but I hadn't seen him in months. He looked much slimmer than I remembered and seemed different. I asked where he had been and he told me that he was no longer drinking. Something about the courts are making him stay dry for 2 years. He said it wasn't a DUI or anything, but felt ashamed to tell me what had happened. So, I left it at that.
I have an honest desire to be sober for the rest of my life. To feel happy, and energized and motivated. I don't have those qualities right now, but I'm working on it. I did just get two new books from the grocery store (50% off- Sorry Barnes & Nobles). I got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy and "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire. I'll start them this week.
I may have to take up Hannah on her weight loss fun, too. I weighed myself because I've been feeling alot larger than usual, and I was 197 pounds. So, back to the workout room for me. I seem to lose weight really fast when I don't drink for awhile.
This week and next week are trying times for me and the family in terms of bills due in a small amount of time. If I can get through this without drinking, then that's a small battle won for me. I close the next four nights and hopefully I can make some money. Otherwise, we'll just have to let things take their course.
Anyway, I have to get to work, so I will talk to you all soon. I hope you voted!!!
2 days ago