Every morning I wake up in a haze. What happened last night? Where am I? You see, I have demons. Lots of them. I'm a complete mess and I can't stand myself sometimes. I'm not doing things the right way. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not spending money the way I should, and I don't prioritize. Some of it stems from my relationship with my wife. Some of it causes my relationship to be the way it is. My last post was the bottom for me and nothing has changed. I slept on the couch last night and woke up in a terrible mood. My back hurts beyond belief. I look at myself in the mirror and my reflection is not what I want to see. I am so down these days and I really need to get my life together. I say it all the time, but as soon as I open that first beer every night, I just make a little promise that I'll quit tommorrow. A promise that goes unkept. I keep telling myself I'll start getting in shape tommorrow, but I never do. I'm lazy. When it comes to myself, I'm just lazy. Maybe that's why my wife doesn't love me. Maybe that's why I'm disgusting to her. I don't want to be this "me" anymore. I have all the connections to be back in the gym for practically nothing and I have a ton of equiptment at my house. I just don't do anything. I lay in bed. Sad. Just counting down until I'm back at the restaurant.
I AM F#$@ING SICK OF IT ALL. Excuse my language, but it stops right now and right here. I am taking Micah back. Whatever it takes for me to be happy, I will do. Whatever it takes to make Kaiti happy, I will also do. I am tired of staring down at my frumpy stomach. I am tired of feeling weak and out of breath and tired. NO MORE BEER, PERIOD. I'm over it. No more spending hundreds of dollars every month to feel miserable and look like hell. I need to get control of myself and make myself better. For me. For my babies. For the love of my life. She may not care for me much right now, but who knows, maybe someday.
It's time to prioritize. Grab that big ol' stack of bills on the counter and strategize. Do whatever it takes. Live comfortably. Pay off these credit cards for good and never look at them again. Obtain a copy of my credit report and one by one, knock things off. Be completely out of debt (besides the car) by March '09. Get my credit score into the 700's. Get ready to buy our first house. Next year.
No more unneccessary McDonalds or whatever. Done. No more PPV. Downsize our living expenses. Drop HBO, get Vonage and kick Comcast phone service to the curb. Watch the thermostat and stop leaving the sliding door open with the air on. Do smart grocery shopping. Cut coupons and buy the best deals. No more free spending at Best Buy or cruising the mall for things we don't NEED.
Be better on gas. Don't just drive to drive. Open savings accounts and deposit small amounts whenever I can. There are so many things that I, WE- could be doing better that could be setting us up for a great future that we just aren't doing. It starts today. Right now. Right this bloody second.
You won't see this Micah next time so wave goodbye. Good riddance. I'll leave that part behind and get this Micah back into shape. I'll regain my shoulders and build my chest back. No more B Cup for me. I'll tear down this fat in my stomach bit by bit, until Kaiti can do her laundry on it. And I'll even get those "lines" from my waist down my pelvic area that Kaiti loves so much. My lungs will work. I will be able to run for miles, climb for days, and make love for hours (sorry:).
I will look good in my clothes again and I will look fantastic butt- nekked. My breath will be better and the ash tray smell will be gone. My mornings will be brand new and exciting, instead of miserable and unhappy.
I don't care anymore. I really don't. I have two choices. If you jump ship, you can either swim for shore or drown. I'll see you on the beach.
2 days ago