Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Isn't life grand?

Relationships are crazy, aren't they? I just don't get it. This past week or two has been the most draining time in my life so far. Constant stress about money, and endless fighting. I just don't think she gets it. I pour my heart out to her daily and try to express to her how I feel and it just doesn't get through. This is a MARRIAGE DAMMIT!! What is it going to take? 50 Bloody 50. Not, "you get to do all the housework and pay all the bills and do everything and I'll complain about having a boring life." Yes, my love- Life is boring right now. It is always the same thing. She's bored, I'm lonely. So what. The number of problems that we have makes quite the list, but they are so stupid that it pisses me off and I wish Kaiti would just fix them. It's me or them. Now choose. What comes with me is truly more rewarding. This last breakup was the breaking point for both of us. I had had enough and decided to spend more time away from her and with co-workers and friends. The other night we all fell asleep at a friends house on a super uncomfortable pullout bed. It was me and about ten other people. Scattered across the living room. My friend, Stevie, was there and she had been listening to me mope all night and complain about my situation. She was kind, and truly listened to me. When we fell asleep, she started rubbing my back. I woke up the same way. Just light fingernails across the back. Soothing. It had been awhile since I had attention like that and it drew me to her. The next night, I called her to thank her for listening to me and being so nice. Kaiti overheard the conversation and unplugged the phone. That's what she does. She freaks out and accuses me of cheating and this and that, and I just look at her. We are broken up, first of all. Second of all, nothing like that happened. She tells me she didn't know we were broken up. No? The whole "It's over", or the fact that I sleep on the couch, or the fact that we don't say a word to each other, or the fact that you started asking permission to eat the food in the house. I thought it was clear. I'm not wearing a ring...hint-hint. Anyway, it turned into last year all over again, but this time the tables were turned. Now it was her crying and dying inside, knowing that there was someone else out there. Worrying every second of the day and feeling her heartstrings being snipped. It was not my intention to get this kind of revenge. I'm not like that. But afterall, it was proof that karma is very much a real thing. I'm just tired. I'm not taking care of myself these days because I get so depressed all the time. I just want to be happy.

So, we talk. And we talk. I tell her the Gods honest truth about how I feel, with a harshness that I had never before.

It's like she has some obsession with other peoples lives and doesn't spend any time worrying about her own.

She has been different since her sister moved here. Now she wants to go out all the time. Not such a big deal. BUT- it's out to the bar with her sister while I'm working all night. Sorry! I don't like that.

She has a couple of "friends", that I do not like at all. I wish they'd just disappear.

She doesn't care about my family, and in turn, some of my family doesn't care for her.

She is a large reason that I signed over my first born child.

She doesn't feel obligated to keep the place clean.

She doesn't feel obligated to take "special" care of me, EVER.

It goes on.

I'm not sure if it's just damaged or broken. I'd like to believe it's just worn a little. All of those problems can be fixed. I just wish they would be. I love the girl. Don't get me wrong. I am completely in love with her. She is MY best friend and I think she knows now that I am hers. She is young and dumb, but she is my love and the mother of my babies and my queen. I know there is so much that we can do together as a family that is priceless. I hate the thought of being a split family. It's the most miserable thing I can think of. I missed half of Willows life because of her mother and now I get to miss the rest of it. It never leaves the back of my mind. Every day I want to wake up with my babies. Every night I want to kiss them and get squeezes (hugs) before they get tucked in. I don't want to miss a single thing. As for Kaiti, I told you all a few blogs ago what my wishes were. I want to marry her and live happily ever after. But things have to change and she knows that. She has vowed to change and to prove everybody wrong and to make my family like her again. If she does, then I will 100% commit myself, but if they do not, then I have to go. My friends tell me that it's pointless to be with her because she will just continue to hurt me. But I think she is almost there. I know she has a heart and most of the time we get along great. I'd like it all to be perfect someday and I think that if I just try my hardest to keep making her happy, then the lightbulb will turn on and she will know once and for all that I am the one. She's almost there and me sacrificing being single and happy for a shot at being together with my family and truly happy is worth it. I've become very strong through these times. Plus, it's like the saying ( I know, I know- i just love sayings): A candle doesn't lose anything by lighting another candle. That's our case. Let's just make it happen Kaiti. I love you baby.

2 comments:

YogaNana said...

I hope you know that I want this relationship to work out almost as much as you do.

Love,
Mom

**ps -- did you find your phone?

Rocket Man said...

Matthew 12
[46] While he yet talked to the people, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him.

Revelation 12
[1] And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:
[2] And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.

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