Kiss your babies

(Sorry, but this broke my heart yesterday while I was watching football. I can't even imagine losing a child, and watching Matt Bryant kick field goals with tears in his eyes and then blowing a kiss to the heavens was almost unbearable for me.)

TAMPA, Fla. -- Matt Bryant choked back tears.
A day after burying his 3-month-old son in Texas, the Tampa Bay kicker booted three field goals to help the Buccaneers beat the Green Bay Packers 30-21 on Sunday.
"I don't know what I needed today," Bryant said. "It worked out OK. Could've been better, but given the circumstances it turned out OK."
Bryant's youngest son, Matthew Tryson, was found dead at home in Tampa on Wednesday. It will be several weeks before the kicker and his wife learn the cause of death.
Bryant didn't practice all week, and coach Jon Gruden left it up to him to decide if he would play.
"The biggest thing for me, I wanted to honor Tryson's name," Bryant said. "I mean, I don't think it was very fair for his life to end so short. This is the best way I believe I could get out and honor him. I miss him and wish he was here, but he was here with me. He helped out."
Bryant kicked field goals of 23 and 36 yards in the second quarter. His 24-yarder, with 2:26 to go, finished a six-minute drive and put the Bucs ahead for good, 23-21.
"Today was his day," Bryant said. "It was all about Tryson for me. I talked with him, personally, in my head throughout the game. I just wanted to remind him that he's my baby boy and that he's with me all the time."
The Bucs awarded a game ball to Bryant, who has rebounded from a subpar preseason to play an important role in two of Tampa Bay's three victories. He kicked a winning field goal in overtime last week at Chicago.
"If you really knew Matt, this really puts a human touch on everything that is going on in the football world," Gruden said. "This was an unexpected situation. This family is in total shock, and he flew back after a funeral to make the game-winning kick."
Punter Josh Bidwell is Bryant's best friend on the team.
"He's proving right now, more than ever, that he's one of the best in the business. Regardless of his preseason and the struggles that he went through, this is who he is -- he's a gamer," Bidwell said.
"And he came out here and did his job for us, and I think it was therapeutic because he knew we were going to play hard for him. That was the message given to him, even when we were down, that we were going to get this done for you."

Fun with the family

Things are getting a little better than they were in my last post, but I'm still climbing up that hill. A friend of mine at the restaurant gave me $200 to help out, and another of my customers gave me a $110 tip on a $50 tab. So, that takes care of Xcel, plus the rest of the money I made that night will pay the car payment. Also, I won fantasy baseball this year so I will get another $200 this week. That will take care of the car insurance and the interest on the moneytree loan. Now I have to figure out a way to make rent in 4 days. It probably won't happen, but I am gonna do my bestest.

Anyway, as Peter Gabriel said: " I get so tired, working so hard for our survival- But I look to these times with you, to keep me awake and alive." So, Kaiti and I took our babies to a place called Mr Biggs. It's like a giant funplex for kids. We had old credits that we hadn't spent from a previous visit left over so we decided to use them up. The babies love it there. There's a huge ball pit/ playground that is lots of fun. There's also a pretend city there that has all kinds of little houses and stores to go in and play. There's a dress-up place, a jail, a kitchen, a huge sandpit, etc. So that was our day yesterday. It was lots of fun.

Today Kaiti and I, Ok- Kaiti- cleaned out the kids room and we donated a large chunk of there stuff to Goodwill. They have too much stuff and it's really in the way. Plus with Christmas around the corner and birthdays, they can reload, and we will actually have a place to put things. She had a great time cleaning all morning, I'm sure. I was too busy watching football. I'm terrible like that, but it's really all I ask for is that 1 day a week, I get to do nothing.

As for Kaiti and I, we are doing GREAT! Everything is like it was when we first met. There's a little spark there again and we have been treating each other good and following through on our promises to each other. I am so happy that things are changing because we really are a great couple and we complement each other. She is my very best friend and I am so happy right now. Hopefully things never change and then I can dump all my other girlfriends and just keep her. Just kidding. But if she's lucky, she may get a proper proposal here soon. Then we could have a big ol' wedding and everything. Oh man- I'm in love.

Here's some pics to show you-

This is Mad-Dog playing in the pretend prison.

Kenzee was getting dressed up and he was checking himself out

I'm not sure what kind of dress this is, but that's what she wanted to put on.

Kenzee, Mari and Momma taking a stroll at Washington park.

Madden playing in the ball pit.

And this ones for you Momma- Kenzee mid ballerina spin in her fairy skirt. She loves it.

Ok- back to football- I'll talk to you soon.

I don't know if I can do this

Waking up in the morning is usually a good thing. Waking up to your door being knocked down by Xcel is NOT. I knew my account was past due and I needed to make a payment soon, but I guess I ran out of time. So, I had to float them a check for $400, which I don't have. This is going to be the most trying time for me in a long time. Rent is due soon, and now I have negative money to start from. My car payment is due on wednesday, insurance is due Tuesday, Comcast should be shut off any minute now, I had to take out a payday loan and that's due on Tuesday ($300), I just don't know what to do. I am in REAL trouble. Why can't it be February? I have been claiming 1 on my W-4 all year so I have been overpaying on taxes to the tune of about $1300. That way, I get it all back come tax time, on top of the $4200 or so I usually get. I don't think I will be able to sleep until then. I am drowning and have no real prospect of relief anywhere in sight. The economy is definately getting worse. I am Effed. I can do without Comcast for a minute. Now, the kids..... They may have a stroke. Kaiti might too. As for the payday loan, I believe that if I go pay the interest on it, they will extend the due date. I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I make decent money, I don't do anything or own anything extravagant, I don't buy clothes or anything and we just barely scrape by. I can count on 2-3 overdraft charges a month, but it is what it is. Kaiti has 6 months left of school before she starts working, and it cannot come soon enough. For now, I'm going to have to go through my stuff to find things of worth that I can sell because there is not enough time left to make ends meet this month. I hate money.

Isn't life grand?

Relationships are crazy, aren't they? I just don't get it. This past week or two has been the most draining time in my life so far. Constant stress about money, and endless fighting. I just don't think she gets it. I pour my heart out to her daily and try to express to her how I feel and it just doesn't get through. This is a MARRIAGE DAMMIT!! What is it going to take? 50 Bloody 50. Not, "you get to do all the housework and pay all the bills and do everything and I'll complain about having a boring life." Yes, my love- Life is boring right now. It is always the same thing. She's bored, I'm lonely. So what. The number of problems that we have makes quite the list, but they are so stupid that it pisses me off and I wish Kaiti would just fix them. It's me or them. Now choose. What comes with me is truly more rewarding. This last breakup was the breaking point for both of us. I had had enough and decided to spend more time away from her and with co-workers and friends. The other night we all fell asleep at a friends house on a super uncomfortable pullout bed. It was me and about ten other people. Scattered across the living room. My friend, Stevie, was there and she had been listening to me mope all night and complain about my situation. She was kind, and truly listened to me. When we fell asleep, she started rubbing my back. I woke up the same way. Just light fingernails across the back. Soothing. It had been awhile since I had attention like that and it drew me to her. The next night, I called her to thank her for listening to me and being so nice. Kaiti overheard the conversation and unplugged the phone. That's what she does. She freaks out and accuses me of cheating and this and that, and I just look at her. We are broken up, first of all. Second of all, nothing like that happened. She tells me she didn't know we were broken up. No? The whole "It's over", or the fact that I sleep on the couch, or the fact that we don't say a word to each other, or the fact that you started asking permission to eat the food in the house. I thought it was clear. I'm not wearing a ring...hint-hint. Anyway, it turned into last year all over again, but this time the tables were turned. Now it was her crying and dying inside, knowing that there was someone else out there. Worrying every second of the day and feeling her heartstrings being snipped. It was not my intention to get this kind of revenge. I'm not like that. But afterall, it was proof that karma is very much a real thing. I'm just tired. I'm not taking care of myself these days because I get so depressed all the time. I just want to be happy.

So, we talk. And we talk. I tell her the Gods honest truth about how I feel, with a harshness that I had never before.

It's like she has some obsession with other peoples lives and doesn't spend any time worrying about her own.

She has been different since her sister moved here. Now she wants to go out all the time. Not such a big deal. BUT- it's out to the bar with her sister while I'm working all night. Sorry! I don't like that.

She has a couple of "friends", that I do not like at all. I wish they'd just disappear.

She doesn't care about my family, and in turn, some of my family doesn't care for her.

She is a large reason that I signed over my first born child.

She doesn't feel obligated to keep the place clean.

She doesn't feel obligated to take "special" care of me, EVER.

It goes on.

I'm not sure if it's just damaged or broken. I'd like to believe it's just worn a little. All of those problems can be fixed. I just wish they would be. I love the girl. Don't get me wrong. I am completely in love with her. She is MY best friend and I think she knows now that I am hers. She is young and dumb, but she is my love and the mother of my babies and my queen. I know there is so much that we can do together as a family that is priceless. I hate the thought of being a split family. It's the most miserable thing I can think of. I missed half of Willows life because of her mother and now I get to miss the rest of it. It never leaves the back of my mind. Every day I want to wake up with my babies. Every night I want to kiss them and get squeezes (hugs) before they get tucked in. I don't want to miss a single thing. As for Kaiti, I told you all a few blogs ago what my wishes were. I want to marry her and live happily ever after. But things have to change and she knows that. She has vowed to change and to prove everybody wrong and to make my family like her again. If she does, then I will 100% commit myself, but if they do not, then I have to go. My friends tell me that it's pointless to be with her because she will just continue to hurt me. But I think she is almost there. I know she has a heart and most of the time we get along great. I'd like it all to be perfect someday and I think that if I just try my hardest to keep making her happy, then the lightbulb will turn on and she will know once and for all that I am the one. She's almost there and me sacrificing being single and happy for a shot at being together with my family and truly happy is worth it. I've become very strong through these times. Plus, it's like the saying ( I know, I know- i just love sayings): A candle doesn't lose anything by lighting another candle. That's our case. Let's just make it happen Kaiti. I love you baby.

New post coming

Let me just figure out a way to say this.

Update

Well, it's been almost a week, and I'm proud to announce I am still sober. Not even a taste. I don't care about that crap anymore. I'm still trying to pay rent this month. I wrote a check on Friday (Sept. 5th) at midnight, which is the deadline, and hopefully it doesn't go through until tommorrow. After that, it'll be smooth sailing for a couple weeks. I have all my bills stacked up, and I'm just gonna do my best to knock as many out per month as I can. I've been exercising alot too. I haven't gotten to the gym yet, but I have been making use of my boxing bag, weight bars, and Ab-Lounge XL. I'm detoxing right now, taking detox pills and fiber pills. Lots of water, etc. So far, so good. I really believe I'm done with the alchohol thing though. Thats not to say I will never have a drink again, but only when the time is right and nothing excessive.

In other news, Kaiti and I went looking for wedding bands and we got them picked out. Nothing too crazy though. It'll be awhile before I buy them because I still haven't properly popped the question. We clipped coupons yesterday and ended up with a huge stack of them. However, most of them are things that we never buy. So, does that really help, or does it just make us spend more money on things we don't really need ON TOP of what we do? I'm not sure.

Kaiti is doing great in school. She is the top student in her class and has only gotten three questions wrong, TOTAL. That's after 4 tests and multiple quizzes. Her school is crazy. They have to remember SO MUCH. I'd fail out. But Kaiti has been making me so happy. It's cute when I quiz her and she says big words, or has to tell me some long, complex definition of something and totally nails it. She was so worried about being able to remember things because of her head injury, but she is proof that you can do anything, if you put your mind to it. So, good job, baby.

Our car is still working. I just have this fear that it will die on me just because of my luck and I'll be trapped for four years with no car but still paying it off. I'll just cross my fingers.

Ummmm, what else? Football started yesterday, and the Colts got worked over by the stupid Bears. That hurt my feelings. I had to serve Bears fans all night too and I was wearing my Colts jersey. They heckled me pretty good. But, I one-upped them when I reminded them how the Colts beat the Bears to win the Super Bowl 2 years ago. That seemed to shut them up. Broncos play tonight. Who cares.

I don't know about anywhere else, but fall is in the air here. It's my absolute favorite time of the year. The trees are turning and it's wet and cold and dreary. It's still pretty dark for 10am, and I want nothing more than to lay in bed with a window open, smelling the brisk mountain air, covered in a blanket watching a rental movie or something and taking lots of short naps. But, I have kids. And they demand attention. I wish I could just set out a bowl of chips or something and get on with my day, but that doesn't work, and a friend said there probably was a law against that. I shoulda got a puppy. Speaking of puppies, I found a dog that was perfect for me. Well, I thought he was until I saw how big he would get. He was a baby Bernese Mountain dog. He was like a little black bear. Big ol' paws and those cute brown eyebrows that rottweilers have. I think if we do ever get a dog, it will have to be one that stays small. Kaitis sisters dog stayed here for like three weeks and it's a boxer, and he drove me freakin nuts.

As for today, it's my day off, before 4 straight closes (3-2am). I'm gonna try to go get a payday loan to cover the rest of my rent, and maybe even get some groceries. Then I'm gonna clean this house/pit. I clean everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. It just doesn't matter. It makes me think of that decoration in our kitchen in Mom's old townhouse on Teller. It said, "Cleaning your house while your children are growing, is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing." Man that's true.
After that....FOOTBALL!!!!!! Well at least until Kaiti scowls me and makes me feel bad about myself for watching football instead of spending quality time with her or something. That's ok. She's more important than the Broncos. Now the Colts....... Just kidding. Off to have my day. I'll talk to you all soon.

It starts today

Every morning I wake up in a haze. What happened last night? Where am I? You see, I have demons. Lots of them. I'm a complete mess and I can't stand myself sometimes. I'm not doing things the right way. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not spending money the way I should, and I don't prioritize. Some of it stems from my relationship with my wife. Some of it causes my relationship to be the way it is. My last post was the bottom for me and nothing has changed. I slept on the couch last night and woke up in a terrible mood. My back hurts beyond belief. I look at myself in the mirror and my reflection is not what I want to see. I am so down these days and I really need to get my life together. I say it all the time, but as soon as I open that first beer every night, I just make a little promise that I'll quit tommorrow. A promise that goes unkept. I keep telling myself I'll start getting in shape tommorrow, but I never do. I'm lazy. When it comes to myself, I'm just lazy. Maybe that's why my wife doesn't love me. Maybe that's why I'm disgusting to her. I don't want to be this "me" anymore. I have all the connections to be back in the gym for practically nothing and I have a ton of equiptment at my house. I just don't do anything. I lay in bed. Sad. Just counting down until I'm back at the restaurant.

I AM F#$@ING SICK OF IT ALL. Excuse my language, but it stops right now and right here. I am taking Micah back. Whatever it takes for me to be happy, I will do. Whatever it takes to make Kaiti happy, I will also do. I am tired of staring down at my frumpy stomach. I am tired of feeling weak and out of breath and tired. NO MORE BEER, PERIOD. I'm over it. No more spending hundreds of dollars every month to feel miserable and look like hell. I need to get control of myself and make myself better. For me. For my babies. For the love of my life. She may not care for me much right now, but who knows, maybe someday.

It's time to prioritize. Grab that big ol' stack of bills on the counter and strategize. Do whatever it takes. Live comfortably. Pay off these credit cards for good and never look at them again. Obtain a copy of my credit report and one by one, knock things off. Be completely out of debt (besides the car) by March '09. Get my credit score into the 700's. Get ready to buy our first house. Next year.

No more unneccessary McDonalds or whatever. Done. No more PPV. Downsize our living expenses. Drop HBO, get Vonage and kick Comcast phone service to the curb. Watch the thermostat and stop leaving the sliding door open with the air on. Do smart grocery shopping. Cut coupons and buy the best deals. No more free spending at Best Buy or cruising the mall for things we don't NEED.

Be better on gas. Don't just drive to drive. Open savings accounts and deposit small amounts whenever I can. There are so many things that I, WE- could be doing better that could be setting us up for a great future that we just aren't doing. It starts today. Right now. Right this bloody second.

You won't see this Micah next time so wave goodbye. Good riddance. I'll leave that part behind and get this Micah back into shape. I'll regain my shoulders and build my chest back. No more B Cup for me. I'll tear down this fat in my stomach bit by bit, until Kaiti can do her laundry on it. And I'll even get those "lines" from my waist down my pelvic area that Kaiti loves so much. My lungs will work. I will be able to run for miles, climb for days, and make love for hours (sorry:).
I will look good in my clothes again and I will look fantastic butt- nekked. My breath will be better and the ash tray smell will be gone. My mornings will be brand new and exciting, instead of miserable and unhappy.

I don't care anymore. I really don't. I have two choices. If you jump ship, you can either swim for shore or drown. I'll see you on the beach.