Monday, March 17, 2008

So this is what rock bottom feels like


Another night, another fight. It was all starting to be so routine for us. Here's the schedule: Go to the store, buy beer and cigarettes. Sit on the edge of the couch slumped over and pound beers back. Watch whatever reality show is on that night. Small talk with Kaiti and head to the balcony every 20 minutes for a smoke. Chat a little more. Then, wham- start a fight. That is how the past four months have been for Kaiti and I. It didn't used to be that way. We used to get along so well. All the way up until that day. The day that crushed my soul. That part of my life is over and we can resume our everyday activities now. But something was lost on that day. Trust. Now a routine visit to the grocery store means she's headed out to cheat on me, but all she's doing is getting a gallon of milk. It's silly. Trust is an amazing thing. It's so important. A lack of trust will eat you up inside. Last night turned ugly. Everything was fine, but then I had to screw it up. I have gone from a social drinker, to an angry drunk. I love to get a rise from people. I want to argue. I really crave it. When you're drunk, you get somewhat of a pass from things you normally couldn't say sober. Things you probably wouldn't say. So I take advantage of that, I guess, though I don't remember half of what I say. It's gotten to a point where I'm starting not to know myself, or be Micah anymore. I'm stressed out in my everyday life and wish I could just be financially secure and not have to sell my things all the time, just to make ends meet. (Old habits never die). My children call me Micah instead of Dad. I know it's because they hear Kaiti call me it. They also call me Babe, so there's proof of that. But I take it to heart and believe it's because I'm never around. I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. My wife loves me. But I know she hates me too. I want to show her how important to me she is. I feel like everyday I am failing. I'm truly doing my best but it doesn't reflect on our situation. We constantly have an empty fridge, and each month I have to decide which priviledges to keep on and which to let disconnect for a bit. I'd love to go to school, but that will probably never happen. I've been so close a few times, but for some reason or other it has fallen through. I want my license. I want a car. I want to have food in my fridge at all times. I want to put clothes on my wife and childrens backs. I wouldn't mind some new clothes myself. But then, wham, all of a sudden, it hit me this morning. While I had my hand against my wifes cheek, brushing her tears away with my thumb and apologizing for being a complete ass again. It finally hit me. Enough is enough. No more alchohol. I have said that many times before, but usually with a hangover or something. I am out of chances. Who cares about clothes, or Cd's or whatever material things I can't afford. Those are just things. This is US. My wife, my children. Yeah, we just get by, but we have each other. I'm done complaining about not having this or that. I have wasted years and years of my life. It's time to get back to being me. Time to show my children how much I love them. Time to wrap up with my beautiful, sexy wife and hold her for the entire night and whisper how much I appreciate her. This is not going to be easy whatsoever. I am doing it though. Period. One day at a time. I haven't been healthy in a long time and it's time I feel alive. One day at a time. One day at a time.

7 comments:

YogaNana said...

If you could go to school, whaat would you study?

Abby said...

Micah, you totally have my full support in this. It'll be hard..but the benefits outweigh the bad tremendously.

Calix calls me Abby sometimes, too. It's just what he hears other people call me..so I'm sure it won't be long until he's calling me Cuddle.

YogaNana said...

I read back over my comment and it sounds like I'm missing the point of your post, but you know I'm not -- you know I support you completely on making these changes.

What I meant is, what is your particular goal? What do you want to do with your life? I think it helps to state that and then focus on it. Makes it easier to get there, wherever *there* is.

Micah said...

I've been thinking about carpentry alot lately. That, or automotive. I'd like to learn as many trades as I could. Something that won't get outsourced or downsized when the depression hits.

Hannah said...

Ya know, you remind me a lot of Mike. You guys are such good men. Really. You want to be the men that you know you can be. I admire that.

Mike is an alcoholic too. We never fought but the drinking did take him away from me and the kids. It always felt to me like he needed to drink to get away from us.

Our pastors set goals for him, something to work towards. It was really hard for him. Everyday he wanted a beer. That desire still creeps up on him occasionally too, but he has now been sober since July of last year. The change in him is amazing.

I know that you want to be a great Dad Micah. I know that you want to be a great husband. Not just wishing you were and sitting back. You are truly working at it. We all have to work at it constantly. It's not something we can become overnight. I admire that desire in you. I pray that you will be able to overcome the drinking and do what you need to do to provide for your family.

If I can help in anyway (I can teach you how to coupon for instance to keep food in your house) please let me know. I mean it!

YogaNana said...

I know there are automotiver schools. How does one become a capenter? You're right, they both sound like good secure careers.

Jenna Consolo said...

Micah, this post tore at my heart. I just want you to know that I love you. I know I'm the big sister you hardly know, but I love you. Did you know that I once wrote a poem about you? Yep. I was in high school, we lived on Maple Terrace, and as I walked through the entryway to go up the stairs, there you were sitting alone of the top stair of the front porch outside, just looking around. I stopped and just watched you, and felt all kinds of sisterly--maybe even maternal, now that I know what that feels like--love for you, and it made such an impression on me that I ended up writing a poem. It was chosen to go to a state competition. It was published in an anthology. Did I ever tell you that? I wonder if I could find it...

But, Micah? I love you. You have my full, undying support. The world needs more men like you.