Another night, another fight. It was all starting to be so routine for us. Here's the schedule: Go to the store, buy beer and cigarettes. Sit on the edge of the couch slumped over and pound beers back. Watch whatever reality show is on that night. Small talk with Kaiti and head to the balcony every 20 minutes for a smoke. Chat a little more. Then, wham- start a fight. That is how the past four months have been for Kaiti and I. It didn't used to be that way. We used to get along so well. All the way up until that day. The day that crushed my soul. That part of my life is over and we can resume our everyday activities now. But something was lost on that day. Trust. Now a routine visit to the grocery store means she's headed out to cheat on me, but all she's doing is getting a gallon of milk. It's silly. Trust is an amazing thing. It's so important. A lack of trust will eat you up inside. Last night turned ugly. Everything was fine, but then I had to screw it up. I have gone from a social drinker, to an angry drunk. I love to get a rise from people. I want to argue. I really crave it. When you're drunk, you get somewhat of a pass from things you normally couldn't say sober. Things you probably wouldn't say. So I take advantage of that, I guess, though I don't remember half of what I say. It's gotten to a point where I'm starting not to know myself, or be Micah anymore. I'm stressed out in my everyday life and wish I could just be financially secure and not have to sell my things all the time, just to make ends meet. (Old habits never die). My children call me Micah instead of Dad. I know it's because they hear Kaiti call me it. They also call me Babe, so there's proof of that. But I take it to heart and believe it's because I'm never around. I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. My wife loves me. But I know she hates me too. I want to show her how important to me she is. I feel like everyday I am failing. I'm truly doing my best but it doesn't reflect on our situation. We constantly have an empty fridge, and each month I have to decide which priviledges to keep on and which to let disconnect for a bit. I'd love to go to school, but that will probably never happen. I've been so close a few times, but for some reason or other it has fallen through. I want my license. I want a car. I want to have food in my fridge at all times. I want to put clothes on my wife and childrens backs. I wouldn't mind some new clothes myself. But then, wham, all of a sudden, it hit me this morning. While I had my hand against my wifes cheek, brushing her tears away with my thumb and apologizing for being a complete ass again. It finally hit me. Enough is enough. No more alchohol. I have said that many times before, but usually with a hangover or something. I am out of chances. Who cares about clothes, or Cd's or whatever material things I can't afford. Those are just things. This is US. My wife, my children. Yeah, we just get by, but we have each other. I'm done complaining about not having this or that. I have wasted years and years of my life. It's time to get back to being me. Time to show my children how much I love them. Time to wrap up with my beautiful, sexy wife and hold her for the entire night and whisper how much I appreciate her. This is not going to be easy whatsoever. I am doing it though. Period. One day at a time. I haven't been healthy in a long time and it's time I feel alive. One day at a time. One day at a time.
2 days ago