WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!!!

So, I go to work tonight ready to kick some behind and make some money. I was on a mission. Rent is due today and I am still short. I figured I'd make at least $200 and I'd be OK to write a check for rent at midnight. Then- like a brick to the temple, I get there and they have decided to close the upstairs of the restaurant. That's where I work 4 days a week. They say it's too cold and they don't see a point in keeping two bars open when they can't even keep one bar full. That's BS. The past two years they have been open and it stayed busy the whole time. The problem is that when the balcony is open, nobody wants to sit downstairs because they'd rather drink and smoke out on the balcony. Now that the balcony is closed, there are only so many places to sit. In turn, the whole restaurant stays full. My district manager doesn't see it that way. So, I lose my shift tonight, and he says tomorrow probably too. Where does that leave me? On the verge of a breakdown. I want to drink. But I won't. I fear this may be the biggest obstacle I've ever faced. McKenzee's B-day is Monday and I won't have any money for a gift. My rent is due NOW, and I can't pay it. My car payment is due Tuesday. I don't know how I'll pay it. My car insurance is past due and has to be payed by the 9th or it gets cancelled. It goes on and on. I am looking right now for a new job, but even if I got one tomorrow, I wouldn't get payed in time. I am a complete mess and I feel like I let my family down.

Anyone can dig a hole, but it takes a real man to call it home

So, my soberness is coming along. But it's not coming along easily. I've been doing much better, but I am now willing to admit that I am an alcoholic. I just need to focus and find something else that will occupy my mind so I don't resort back to the booze. I want to quit so badly. It's just so hard. I had an easier time cutting drugs from my life. I guess I just see alchohol as 1. Legal, 2. Less harmful and 3. A good way to have fun at social events.

I woke up a week ago, Monday, and couldn't remember much from the night before. But I remembered that I drove to the store. I drove. Drunk. I swore I wouldn't do that, but my decision making when I'm drinking is terrible. After that night, I started feeling bad for myself. What am I becoming? I am feeling depressed alot lately and I just want to be left alone.

I am forehead deep in debt and my phone just rings and rings and rings. I'm at the point where I feel so overwhelmed that I just want the tide to wash over me and take me away. I feel like a big powerful elephant who has ten lions hanging from his flesh. He fights and fights, throwing lions off of him, but eventually- you see it in his eyes. He knows he has to give up.

Now, I'm NOT suicidal. Don't think that. Although on that same night I drove, I was mumbling rubbish about being suicidal to Kaiti. But rest assured, I would never do that. I do love my life and my wife and children, but this Chinese water torture of financial hell has me screaming "ENOUGH!!!!".

There is relief in sight. A few months away. If we can just stay afloat until then, then I am confident we can get back on top of things. Kaiti will be getting in the neighborhood of $2500 from school and I will be recieving taxes almost double that. We just have to keep plugging away and prioritizing.

As for alchohol, I want to make everyone proud, so I am really trying. I have been really trying for awhile now, but then I'll slip up. I get bored. I crave it and when a football game is on or something, I feel like I have to drink.

I know there are other things I could be doing. More productive things. Something that produces results. But I am exhausted all the time. My job is wearing on me. It is hard being away all the time. My hours are my biggest problem. Who WANTS to work until 2 in the morning? It's just that right now it's a necessary evil. It also keeps me sober.

Last night was hard on me. I couldn't sleep. I was sweaty, like a meth addict or something. I really just wanted a beer. "Just a six pack", I kept pleading to Kaiti, but she has been strong and insisted that I don't drink. I went to King Soopers last night just to walk around, to take my mind off of everything. I ran into a friend of mine. He was a regular at the bar but I hadn't seen him in months. He looked much slimmer than I remembered and seemed different. I asked where he had been and he told me that he was no longer drinking. Something about the courts are making him stay dry for 2 years. He said it wasn't a DUI or anything, but felt ashamed to tell me what had happened. So, I left it at that.

I have an honest desire to be sober for the rest of my life. To feel happy, and energized and motivated. I don't have those qualities right now, but I'm working on it. I did just get two new books from the grocery store (50% off- Sorry Barnes & Nobles). I got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy and "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire. I'll start them this week.

I may have to take up Hannah on her weight loss fun, too. I weighed myself because I've been feeling alot larger than usual, and I was 197 pounds. So, back to the workout room for me. I seem to lose weight really fast when I don't drink for awhile.

This week and next week are trying times for me and the family in terms of bills due in a small amount of time. If I can get through this without drinking, then that's a small battle won for me. I close the next four nights and hopefully I can make some money. Otherwise, we'll just have to let things take their course.

Anyway, I have to get to work, so I will talk to you all soon. I hope you voted!!!

GO VOTE

It is so important that you all vote today. This is the biggest election of our lifetimes.

Presidential Dance-Off

BREAKING NEWS: THEY HAVE DECIDED TO SKIP THE VOTING THIS YEAR AND JUST HAVE A DANCE-OFF FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

Childrens books

So, I decided to start writing and illustrating books for my babies. Nothing big, but I think it'd be fun. I wrote my first one this morning. It's called "My Dads Got A Monster."

eh-hemm. Here we go....

My Dad's Got a Monster- who's giant and hairy.
Sometimes he's friendly,
But sometimes he's scary.

He hangs out alot and he tries to be funny.
But Daddy's friend "Monster",
Takes all our money.

My Dad's got a monster that takes all his time.
I try and I try
To explain that he's mine.

He makes my Dad lazy and he acts like a slouch.
When the monsters around,
They just sit on the couch.

My Dad's got a monster. He says, "He's so fun!".
But we want to hang out too-
We're your daughter and son.

When he's not working, the monsters a must.
"We want to play, Daddy!",
But there's no time for us.

My Dad's got a monster- He always brings drama.
He's rude and he stinks
And he's mean to our Momma.

He yells and he shouts and his attitudes grim.
He says it's the monster,
But we know that it's him.

My Dad's got a monster. He just has to go,
He's no longer welcome
Because Momma said so.

He's taking our Daddy, and we're making it clear.
You don't have to go home Monster.
But you sure can't stay here.

My Dad's got a monster... But he's making him pack.
Our Dad's a good Daddy
And we all want him back.

It's OK Daddy- Just try to be strong.
I'm sorry, my babies,
It was him all along.

My Dad HAD a monster that he bought at the store.
My Dad loved that monster,
But my Dad loves us more.

PLEASE VOTE NOVEMBER 4TH

EFFIN IDIOT!!!!!!! WORDS CANNOT GO THE LENGTH TO DESCRIBE THE SICK FEELING I GET IN MY STOMACH EVERY SECOND SHE OPENS HER STUPID MOUTH. I WANT TO VOMIT WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF HER RUNNING THE COUNTRY. SHE IS ONE 72 YEAR OLDS HEART ATTACK AWAY FROM BEING THE PRESIDENT. I WISH THE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE EXISTED SO SHE COULD JUST DISAPPEAR.

HALLOWEEN PICTURES

SO SAD THAT HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN THOUGH. WE ALWAYS TAKE THE KIDS TO THE MALL TO TRICK OR TREAT FIRST BECAUSE THERE'S A TON OF KIDS THERE AND IT'S FUN TO SHOW OFF OUR KIDS COSTUMES. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAND OUT THE WORST CANDY (DUM-DUMS AND JOLLY RANCHERS), IT'S A GOOD TIME. THEN WE WENT TO SOME TOWNHOMES BY OUR HOUSE. THAT'S WHERE THE KIDS STRUCK GOLD. CANDY BARS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS AND CHEETO BALLS, ETC. WE ONLY STAYED OUT UNTIL ABOUT 8 AND THEN WE GOT HOME AND WATCHED THE REST OF GHOST HUNTERS LIVE. IT WAS PRETTY COOL. ANYWAY- I GOTTA RUN SO I CAN GET READY FOR WORK. I'LL WRITE MORE LATER. HERE ARE SOME PICTURES FOR YOU-


THE BOUNTY






MY PRETTY LITTLE TINKERBELL



TRICK OR TREATING THROUGH THE MALL



GREAT GRANDMA GOT THE TRICK OR TREATING STARTED



TRICK OR TREAT!!!




CHIK-FIL-A COW MAKES AN APPEARANCE


CINDERELLA, MEET TINKERBELL


PETER PAN, OR ROBIN HOOD (AS MOST PEOPLE KEPT CALLING HIM)







WHAT'S WITH THE FACE MS MCKENZEE?




ISN'T HE THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE MAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN?