THE MEANING

For the last time

2009-12-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

Struggles within our personal lives, whether it be our past, present or future cause us uncertainty and disrupt the natural flow that we should just go along with. Instead of just enjoying the company of each other, or appreciating the little things we are given each and every day- we sometimes project our own problems on to other people. Nobody is perfect by any means and I am an example of this. I have a troubled past that haunts me each and every day. As I'm sure everyone knows I dabbled in drugs, STILL struggle with alcohol and have huge abandonment issues. Girls from my past have ruined me. I have walked in on people who were supposed to love me sleeping with other men. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of pain. So in turn I feel like no woman that comes my way could ever possibly be a real "good" girl and I treat them (Kaiti) as if it's only a matter of time before she lets me down. That's not fair and I know this. I need to learn to let that go. THAT was my past. Today I stare down the barrel of a shotgun, constantly pressured to make ends meet. Because of the stress I cannot be myself. I was doing so well being sober and I was very happy and I felt great everyday. But somehow I found myself right back in the thick of it again. It is incredible how I lose my entire self through this. It effects everyone around me. It's something I am working on and I hope to get completely clean someday soon. I've heard that people say what they mean when they are drunk. But I'll tell you what, I can't remember ever waking up and saying, "Man I'm glad I said that last night to her." Alcohol makes you invincible. Period. You do not care who you hurt or what you say as long as you are right. You almost need to say something derogatory to get that reaction and satisfaction that you are looking for. Our present right now is uncertain. The only thing that I know for sure today is that I love this woman. That's what I know TODAY. I know that for the past 5+ years I have loved this one and only woman. But I am learning today, and every day from here on out that I have a lot of work to do. WE have a lot of work to do. We are very passionate about each other. So much so that we tend to hurt each other as much as we can. I do not hate her. She does not hate me. But when we fight- we hate each other. Not really, but we'll say it. We'll tell the people closest to us just how much we hate each other and it creates these alliances. So now Kaiti will have her family bashing me, and I'll have my family bashing her and everyone is giving us advice on what to do and blah, blah, blah. We love hard and we fight even harder. But if there was no love, there would be no care. It would just be easy to not give a hell about her and let her do whatever she wanted but it wouldn't be right. I do care about her. When I look at her I am in complete love and I feel so at peace. We have fit together so well since day 1 and she is without a doubt my very best friend. I seek comfort in her and I truly do trust her. I haven't let that show however. Instead of just focusing on myself and what I need to be doing, I get caught up in what she's doing all the time. I now will vow to just let her be herself. She can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. I have no choice but to just let her make her own choices. I know she won't hurt me. If I focus too much on the past and not the present then surely there will be no future. I am working on that as well. Kaiti is severely depressed and she can get in these moods where life just flat out sucks. I believe it got the worst when her friend passed. It has been a trying time for her and at times I have not let her heal properly. Lets just say I have picked that scab before. But at the same time it felt to me like his passing was being taken out on me daily. Maybe I was just being selfish but at the time I just wanted some attention that Kaiti was unable to give me. But I believe I have gotten much better lately with that issue. Most of Kaitis friends are out of town and she finds it hard to be happy without having a real friend close by that she can go to whenever she wants or just to hang out with. She is stuck in this house all week long and I don't know what to do about it. It's not what I want for her. But her friend does move back in March and I really hope that will ease some of her stress. There are several small issues that we are dealing with as a family but they are not irreconcilable. They are fixable. Bridges have been burnt. But they will be rebuilt. Words have been said. But they will be forgiven. Plans have been made and they will be followed through on. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is so much better when we are together. Not a day goes by that I am not in love with her and I know she loves me just as much. We will get better in time. Through patience, understanding, forgiveness and most of all togetherness. Kaiti and I know where we belong. Every time she pulls me close to her, or steps in my way to steal a kiss. Every night when we fall asleep in each others grasp and i run my fingers through her hair. Every kiss on the forehead. Every backscratching. Every smile and every laugh. We know everything about each other and I promise you that we are very much in love. So to all of you I say this, and I believe Kaiti is doing the same thing. No longer will I voice displeasure to anyone about anything that happens between my wife and I. It is nobodys problem but ours and we will deal with it from within. I believe that has been our biggest flaw. There are bridges that need to be rebuilt and we will get back to where we were. Wish us the best. We love you all!!!

I am making order out of chaos

2009-08-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

How do I put the pieces of my life back together? What do I do with those misshapen parts of myself, the parts that are old, frayed and tattered?

Recovery is the art of making order out of chaos. A person making beautiful patchwork quilts looks at many different shapes of material and puts them together to form a work of art. A quilter will not use every piece, nor will a quilter throw odd shapes away as unfit. An artist will examine each piece to determine whether it will enhance the overall beauty of the final design.

As an alcoholic, I become impatient with my own healing process. I want to get rid of all the nasty parts of myself...NOW. Any imperfect piece I want to dispose of immediately.

Let me take a lesson from the quiltmaker. I will examine all parts of myself before I make decisions to "keep" or "throw out". Who I am is all I have to work with. There is no need to rip myself apart and start over.

With love and patience, I am learning to make order out of my personal chaos. A work of art is in the making.

Get it together

2009-07-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

This last month has been awfully draining. I have come to many forks in the road and have taken the wrong one more often than not. After being clean for a little while, I slipped right back into my addiction. It's not an excuse for the way I've been behaving, but it is truly the reason. Alcohol makes me invincible. It's a great feeling to be carefree for awhile, especially when the stress of money and work press on my shoulders every day. I like to hang out at the bar with my friends and just let go. It's fun to me. But it's not casual drinking, and it's not in moderation. I can't keep it to a few drinks. I fill myself to the top until I can't drink another drop. This drinking has cost me a lot lately. A lot of money, time and most importantly, my wife.

I want to clear something up. This is MY fault. I have been sitting here thinking and thinking and it is clear to me. I love you all very much and appreciate your support but I need to say that I want nobody to have hard feelings towards Kaiti. I did this to myself.

Kaiti has put up with more than she's ever really had to. She is my best friend in the world and we have had way more good times than bad, but it's the bad times that stick out for some reason. We have been growing old together and raising our beautiful children the best way we know how.

She has always been there for me when I really need her and we make each other laugh. She's my support. My birthday was screwed up because I had to go and get drunk and run my mouth and hurt her feelings. I don't blame her for not wanting to be around. I'm a mess.

She's truly a good girl and I will spend the rest of my life loving her. I understand that she doesn't love me anymore because I'm not Micah these days. I don't know who I am anymore really. I am hungover as I write this. I don't even want to look at myself. I'm the reason we are seperating.

She wants some time away to get her stuff together. That's just the way it is. We told each other that it's not forever. Not yet. She said I could take her on dates and I could still make love to her. This has nothing to do with another guy. I just screwed up. Over and over and over. We are best friends and we will continue to be throughout this hard time.

I am going to AA meetings soon. I am awaiting a call from The Freedom Center to set up my treatment. I am excited to get well and get back to basics.

I want to get to know Kaiti. I want to show her who I really am and not put her through this hell. I want to get dressed up and take her out on the town or make her a nice candlelit dinner. I want to take her dancing. I want to show her that I can be a better man.

This is going to be a very difficult time for me as I fight to get clean and fight for my family and I appreciate everyones kind words. It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is.

It's not forever. Hopefully. I can no longer expect her to love me when I don't even love myself. But I CAN get better. I'm sorry for all the things I have said about Kaiti to you all. She's a great girl. Pray for us.

I love you all. Wish me luck.

David Holland

2009-06-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. It's not that nothing has been happening, because believe me a lot has. We have gone to the museum and the fun park and everything. Things have been great.

Until a couple of days ago.

Kaiti was all set to attend her graduation ceremony from PIMA Medical School on Friday. Her father was in town to be in attendance and we were all so excited to watch her walk up on stage to receive her diploma. She received a phone call early that day from her old friend. She was informed that her best friend was hospitalized and the outlook wasn't so good.

David Holland has been in my wife's life for over 10 years and he was an outstanding guy. He is the Godfather of both of our children and the best friend Kaiti has ever had. He was hardworking. He was kind. He was GREAT with McKenzee, Madden and Mari. He was family. He would call sometimes for Kaiti and I would end up talking to him for long periods about football and we would always make plans to get together and BBQ and watch the game. He took care of my wife when she was down. He was her go to guy. In all the time they knew each other they didn't fight once. They were very close.

David had a problem though. Almost like the demons I had in my past. I struggled for a long time with drugs. Mainly heroine and Meth. I'm still not sure how I escaped the grip of them, but I did. Maybe it was when I got the call from Mom when she wasn't doing well and I had to leave the state and come to Colorado. David's demon was pills. It was bad. Kaiti had expressed to me her concern before. But it's only pills, right?

Recently, Kaiti had gone to his mother and expressed her concern which resulted in him moving back into his parents house so he could get clean. He was doing so well there. He was fixing himself and everything was great. When Kaiti would talk to him she would always relay the message of how well he was getting.

But this night, he must have been lonely.....desperate....couldn't sleep. Late on Thursday night he recieved a phone call from a "friend" telling him she had some really strong Oxycontin. He invited her down to Colorado Springs from Denver. She jumped at it.

He took two.

The next morning they tried to wake him up for work but he wouldn't wake up. They figured he was just hungover or something and let him sleep.

It wasn't until later that they realized he wasn't breathing. He was hospitalized in ICU. The machine breathed for him. He showed very little sign of waking up, but he wrapped his pinkie around Kaiti's finger when she tried to hold his hand. His eye opened for a minute but it was a blank stare.

His body stiffened like he was having quick seizures. His wrist twisted with a half fist showing sure signs of brain trauma. They gave him a 2% chance of waking up.

But he's David. He's a strong man and it's way too early for him to go. I tried my hardest to stay positive. I got angry with Kaiti when she'd cry saying, "He's gonna wake up." I just had to believe that he would be OK.

Not yet...not yet...not now.....

Sunday morning comes and the phone rings early. I answer, mostly asleep, and the lady on the other end asks for Kaiti. I knew it then. I handed Kaiti the phone and she declined, still asleep herself. I said, "Kaiti, I think you ought to take this." Not more than 10 seconds later....it was to be. David had passed.

It just doesn't make sense to me. With all the shit that walks this earth, WHY? My poor angel has to live each day now without her best friend. When we first got the news he was in the hospital, we were with some friends. One of them works in a hospital and he described the things he has to see. Seeing people die. Daily. He texted his boyfriend one night just to say, "I hate it when they die. I love you."

I just don't get why she keeps losing people. She doesn't deserve to be so sad and it breaks my heart because all I strive to do in my life is to see her happy. I don't care about anything else. I would do anything for her. But to see her shattered and not know how to put her together again is the most defeated feeling I've ever felt.

I understand the reality of death. I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. But losing someone is always difficult. Especially your best friend. Never before has it been more clear to me that I should (and will) tell my children and Kaiti how much I love them and appreciate them everyday. Tomorrow is too late. We have buried her aunt Kelly, her uncle James and now her best friend David. It's been happening too often. I just look at her and taer up knowing the pain she's endured lately. It's always something. I don't know what else to say but-

I hate it when they die. I love you.

My girl is all grown up

2009-04-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

It makes me so happy as a husband to announce that my little bride is currently finishing her last day of school today. I am so proud of my Kaiti that I don't know how to put it into words. She has so much potential and has blown me away with how smart she is. I tried to help her with her homework, but honestly, it was a bit much for me. It just made sense to her. The amount of abbreviations you have to learn is in the thousands and she just memorized them like it was nothing. We're talking about a girl who suffered a serious brain injury not too long ago and has had trouble remembering anything, even things that happened recently. A girl who would tell you the same story several times because she doesn't remember telling you already. A girl who would tell me she wanted to see a movie...that we already saw in the theater. But it's a girl who is so motivated to do good for herself and dedicated to proving everyone wrong. She is a role model to me. I remember in the past years how sad she was all the time. She just felt like she wasn't going to be able to reach her full potential. She had to drop out of school after her car accident and was at a stalemate in her life. Staying home everyday taking care of the children and not doing much else with her life to make HER happy. I believed in my girl when I mustered up the money to send her off to get her GED (which she aced), I believed in my girl when she enrolled in school the very next day, and I believe in my girl today, as she will graduate with a whopping 3.9 GPA. She's the first in her family to graduate from college. I AM SO VERY HAPPY AND PROUD OF YOU, KAITLIN. YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND YOU CONTINUE TO AMAZE ME. CONGRATULATIONS BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE YOU.

Can you even wait?!?

2009-03-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

I am DEFINATELY taking the babies to see this.

Oh crap.

2009-03-25T17:49:00.001-07:00

Just when I thought we were done with winter.....

Here comes the motherload. At least 15 inches expected.

I'm bored.

2009-03-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Home from work again and watching a lot of Youtube. Let me bother you all again with some more of my favorites.

Still out of action

2009-03-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around as much as I'd like, but I am having real trouble with my mouth. I got two more teeth pulled, and it was miserable. It wouldn't be so bad if they were "teeth" instead of shards that have been shifting around under my gums. None of these "teeth" have come out easy. These ones required stitches. I still have to have 4 or 5 more pulled. I am going to have no teeth left. But the dentist has a plan for me so whatever. I can barely focus on the computer screen right now from the throbbing going on in my face. What's worse is another of my bad "teeth" has become absesce today. I am still not healed from my first dentist appointment either. Dr. Smart (my dentist) says it's because they had to remove bone from my jaw and that takes longer to heal. Plus there are still root tips embedded into the sawed-down jawbone. I can't even tell you the pain I'm in. I originally wanted to just knock it out quick, but I'm gonna take it easy for a little and really heal what's been done so far before I do my next visit. It's causing me too many problems and I have missed too much work. Oh yeah, and when I got my fillings done, the dental assistant couldn't get the proper bite for one of my teeth, so now my bite is off and it hurts to close my mouth because one tooth feels much taller than the rest. I need to get that fixed somehow.

I will try to keep up with everyone as best as I can. Sorry I'm a big whiner.

Miserable

2009-03-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the dentist and I am in some serious pain. The tooth they took out couldn't be fully removed. The root tips are curled up into my jawbone. My dentist took some bone off to try to get as much as she could and then said "Not even an oral surgeon would go after the rest of that." I got four fillings also. The cavities were pretty deep so it made for an even more miserable time. I asked for the metal fillings, but they gave me the plastic ones. I also got some periodontic work done on the bottom right quadrant of my mouth. They cleaned it up pretty good. You never really know how bad your mouth situation is until you have a dentist prodding around in there. So, I am in some major pain, waiting for this Vicodin to kick in and it is off to bed for me. One quadrant done, $800 down. Three more to go. I haven't even got the major stuff done yet and I already wanna quit. The dentist assured me that the worst of it was over, judging by the x-rays. I hope that's true. This is going to be a heck of a process

Terrified

2009-03-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to tell everyone how scared I am of tomorrow. It is part one of what is destined to be a LONG series of terrible dentist visits. Tomorrow I begin with the biggest trouble tooth. It is a molar on the bottom that no longer really exists. Just a few roots poking through the gums. They have to cut the gums open, drill through the center to crack it into three and then pull each root out one-by-one. Then they get to stitch the gums back up. I am also getting four fillings. I am not excited at all. I'll be happy when it's all finished but as of now....I'm terrified. I'll update you all tomorrow.

Two weeks

2009-03-03T08:18:00.000-08:00

Two weeks down. Sober and smoke free. I really think I can kick this thing. It's definately not easy though. We move forward.

Anyway, I start doing my teeth work in about a week and a half. I am very excited. I hate my teeth. At least my molars and wisdom teeth. I can't wait to have some pearly whites. I'm not looking forward to the pain though.

Kaiti and I have a tasting party to go to on Saturday at Mt Vernon so we can choose what food we will have at our wedding. It's also a cake tasting, but Hannah is doing the cake, so we'll just amuse them and eat it anyway. I'm very excited for the wedding. I can't wait to see Kaiti in her dress. She is such a knockout. I think since I have started taking myself seriously, I have fallen so much further in love with her because of what I've put her through. She has always been there for me and she is very strong. She's my absolute best friend.

Mom and David get here tomorrow. That will be a nice treat. I haven't seen them in what seems like forever and I can't wait. Maybe they can attend the tasting party.

Jonahs birthday is Thursday. The baby is getting so old. He has grown up alot. If you compared him to how he was a couple of years ago it's like night and day. He's very in love too.

Our lease runs up on March 31st. We know that we want something bigger so the kids can have some space, but we have been kicking around this idea of moving to Georgia next year so we can be closer to Kaitis dad and stepmom. I miss the eastcoast and the ocean and yes, Jersey. This way I'd be closer to the ocean as well. Nothing against you, Momma, I know there's ocean there too, but I am terrified of earthquakes (and traffic). Anyway, back to my point. We don't know if we should just stick it out here and re-sign for one more year or if we should start over in a new place just to move again in a year. Personally, I think if we could just keep this place clean then it's plenty big for the time being. It's a bit crowded, but we would have to pay around $200 more per month for a 3 bedroom. I am sickened by our carpet here also. It literally makes me nauseous walking on it barefoot. It's way past cleaning. I have to go talk to the office about it. I think if they will replace our carpet, then we should stay and save up. Also, they are offering a cruise for two on Carnival if you re-sign a year lease. That would be great. Just as long as we don't end up in the middle of the ocean like those poor football players.
What would y'all do? Stay? Move?

So, I watch alot of YouTube. It's probably my favorite website besides ESPN. I love watching funny videos and music videos especially. There's a few that I really like right now and I decided to share them with you.

ADELE- CHASING PAVEMENTS

I wasn't a big fan of the song on the radio, but when I saw the video, I was amazed. It's very clever. A couple dies in a car accident and relives their relationship from start to finish. I just like it.

SECONDHAND SERENADE- YOUR CALL

I really love the visualization in this. And that line: "I was born to tell you I love you". That's how I feel about Kaiti.

LIFEHOUSE- BROKEN

It's a cool video. Plus, on some show I was watching, the band was talking about the video and they said something that has stuck with me for some reason. They said the main message is- "If you were to die today- what would that mean?" If you think about it, it's pretty deep and it makes me want to live and be a better person.

Anyway, I have to go clean the house. Then I have to go serve 75 seniors who are having a retirement party. Who retires anymore anyway?

One week

2009-02-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Well, today is my one week anniversary of sobriety. Not only have I not had a lick of alcohol but I have also not had even a drag of a cigarette. It feels good. I just feel so much better. As for my teeth, I was unable to find any help getting CareCredit, so I will just deal with the pain and wait it out until I can get my credit back to normal. It jumped from 517 to 570 this month and I am making more progress so it should jump higher next month as well. I am really trying my hardest to get well and be a good person.

Wedding present?

2009-02-21T15:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to the dentist today and got the rundown. I guess after insurance and everything it is going to cost me $4855. On one hand that's a lot, but on the other hand I was really expecting it to be more like $20,000. My friend had his teeth all fixed and it cost him $14,000 and I know a guy who paid almost $30,000. So, all of my fronts are just fine (6 on top, 12 on bottom), but all of my wisdom teeth have to go. There are about 4 other teeth that need to go. Luckily on three sides I have enough teeth left or savable that she can bridge my top right, but I will need an implant on the top left to bridge that side. No big deal. My first real appointment is on Monday but I'm probably going to have to miss it because without CareCredit I have to pay the cost upfront. How is it that I can go to the hospital and get major surgery or whatever and they can just bill me, but when it comes to dental it's PAY NOW. It's stupid. More people would get their teeth fixed if they could just make payments. It's frustrating. I have my mind set on getting better. I still haven't smoked or drank and I am feeling SO good and positive. I have lost almost 10 pounds this week. I drink homemade fruit smoothies for breakfast and lunch (they are SO good and filling) and I have a good dinner. I have been working out like crazy even making a workout journal to keep track of my non-Wii progress and my diet and I am even enrolling in The University of Phoenix to take online classes in either IT Networking OR Human Services. Things are going great. All I need is a co-signer. No money or anything. Just a co-signer to help me get CareCredit. They say it will come down to $116/ month payments for everything to get done. If anyone could help that would be the greatest gift of all.

Now what

2009-02-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

Guess whos teeth are acting up now? Kaiti's. It wasn't enough that I have been up for the past three nights moaning and groaning, now Kaiti is in major pain. I gave her a Vicodin but it didn't help much. I got up early this morning, put the kids in the car and headed out to Comfort Dental again. My mouth was on fire because I couldn't take a pain killer before we left because I would've crashed the car. Painkillers and me, we're friends and all, but we don't do too much besides sleep. So we get there and I'm corralling the kids while Kaiti is being attended to. Now, I thought I hated the dentist. Kaiti HATES the dentist. I don't mind the extractions and drills and things like that, but keep that little scraper away from me. Stop puncturing me teeth and ripping up my gums. So, they gave Kaiti the option of a root canal for $1200 or an extraction for $125. She decided on the extraction after we both failed the application for CareCredit. She started to have an anxiety attack and the dentist turned into a real "donkey". He tried to just ram the needle into her mouth and she was like, "hold up!". He was rude, gave her a referral and a prescription and then mocked her for not being able to pay for the root canal. We left and will never go back to that office. I had a different experience at another Comfort Dental that was very pleasant and the dentist and assistants really seemed to care and were sensitive to my needs. I would have taken her there but the insurance that I just got wasn't good there and I was going to have to find another office anyway. Long story short: I came home, ditched my current insurance and signed us both up for Careington Dental which is accepted by the Comfort Dental I originally went to. I have to get an extraction tomorrow as long as this swelling is gone by then and we will set Kaiti up for a root canal that will cost her $221 under this insurance. Oh, and I have to miss work again. These next two weeks are going to be exciting.

Have to miss another day

2009-02-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

Life sure is complicated. I had to miss work last night because of the condition of my mouth and face and today is worse. I have been up all night and my face this morning looks like I have a softball in my cheek. Not good. So it looks like another day off for me. This sucks.

Something that produces results

2009-02-18T19:13:00.000-08:00

Enough is enough. Since I have been drinking at a MUCH slower pace, like once or twice a week, my teeth have been screwing with me. They have always been bad but as long as I'm drinking, they are happy. I have been having toothache after toothache recently and it's just been getting worse. I hate my teeth. The fronts aren't too bad but the backs are just a whole cluster of roots and shards and I am done with it. So, my mouth started swelling today and usually if I have a beer, the swelling goes away. But I'm feeling like a new Micah these days. I am so determined to be smokin' hot for myself and my beautiful wife that I decided that now is the time. I have 7 months to get right. That's plenty of time as long as I'm doing it the right way. So I went to Comfort Dental and for $19 they did a very extensive review of my mouth, X-Rays and all. I was prescribed the usual (Amoxicillin and Vicodin) and a medicated mouthwash to help fix my periodontal gum disease. I go back on Saturday morning to get at least one extraction and to go over my personalized plan that my dentist is preparing for me tonight. She said the bottoms can be salvaged but I'll probably have to have 5 more extractions. So, Bridges and crowns and root canals and even implants are in the near future. I'm over it. I don't care about the pain anymore. I just want to be normal again. On the workout front, I recieved my Mario Lopez Knock-Out Fitness book today as well as my Men's Health workout video that came with my subscription. So that's exciting. I'm telling you that the old Micah is history. I haven't even smoked a single cigarette in 2 days. That's a start. I'll keep you all updated.

Time to get serious

2009-02-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

So I went without exercise for 6 days because there has been a lot going on and when I stepped onto my Wii this morning I had gained 2 pounds. I guess that's no big surprise though. I was eating alot, and there was Valentines day at the Cheesecake factory.

We definately took advantage of that delicious food. The bill was the only unappetizing thing at the place. Oh, and the 2 hour wait to get a table. But once we got sat it was on. It was Jonah and Jen and Kaiti-bean and me. We started out with some scrumptuos lettuce wraps and Buffalo snackers. Then we each had a ceasar salad(except Kaiti had a plain ol' house salad). After that we had our main course. Kaiti had a combo of Steak Diane and Jumbo Shrimp, I had Orange Chicken, Jonah had some steak concoction and Jen had a Skirt steak or something. For dessert, Kaiti and I had the Tuxedo cheesecake and Jonah and Jen got the Cookie Dough Cheesecake. Man it was good. BUT, fattening.

So I took a step backwards.

I am still having trouble with booze, but I am finding that I can go days without it now. I hope to be beer free soon. I'm not making any excuses but before I would drink every chance I had. If I got off at 11:55 and the liquor store was still open, I'd be there. If I had the day off, I was drinking. I'm getting alot better at coming home and getting into bed with my wife and actually spending time with them on my days off. It's just going to take time. But come wedding time, I will be a new man.

Like I said in my last post, Kaiti and I have decided on October 3rd, 2009 as our wedding date. It's on a Saturday and the ceremony will be early. Like 11 AM or so. That way, the Country Club waives the $1800 room and site fee. We wanted October because we are both in love with the colors of Autumn and the way the trees look and the leaves skipping across the street and the brisk mountain air that gives us relief from the summer heat.

We decided on an early October because we still wanted a little September warmth to it. I decided to look up our wedding date on Yahoo! to see what other events took place on that date. Here's a few:

1955: The MICKEY MOUSE CLUB begins airing

1964: Buffalo Wings are first made at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York

1985: Space Shuttle Atlantis is launched

1990: East and West Germany reunite.

1995: OJ Simpson found "not guilty"

2003: Roy Horn of "Siegfried & Roy" is attacked by his white tiger

2008: $700 Billion bailout signed by George W. Bush

That's pretty fun to look that kind of stuff up. It also happens to be the birthday of a few of Kaiti's favorite people: Ashlee Simpson, Gwen Stefani and Tommy Lee.

Anyway, Mt Vernon said it's fine if we want to use outside vendors so that means that Hannah better start planning a beautiful wedding cake for us. That was a big deal to me because I really wanted her to, but alot of places wouldn't let us use anything but what they had. So, Hannah: We would be honored if you would make us a fancy cake. I'm not sure if it should be autumnal like these:

Or, just elegant.

You'll have to help me out on this one. But I trust the cake will be amazing no matter what.

Also, I am going to need Adam to be the photographer/videographer (even though I never saw any footage of our family reunion).

I prefer to keep it in the family because we know each other and everything will have that "familiarity" to it instead of working with overpriced strangers.

Kaiti, Taylor and Janelle are making the invitations, I'm using my new iPod to make a playlist for the reception. We will probably be using Kaitis dad's projector for some of the dances. I have this strange image of the music video playing on a huge screen while the dance is going on. For instance:

For Kaiti and her Dads dance I chose "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw.

At some point I want to slow dance with my new bride to this. I love the lyrics. I don't believe it's about a love gone bad as much as it is about going with your heart and taking a chance. Like he says at the end, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Also, the groomsmen and groom (Noah, Jonah, Zach and I) will battle the bridesmaids and bride to the "Evolution of Dance", and for our last dance, Kaiti and I are doing "Time of Your Life" from Dirty Dancing. I can't guarantee it will be good or even happen for that matter, but it's one of her wishes.

It's gonna be crazy. They want to do the "Thriller" dance too.

Oh, man.

Also, I was contacted by Tore this morning and he was upset that I hadn't told him about the wedding yet. Really, I hadn't told anyone besides family yet. The invites will be in the mail when the time is right. That's be so exciting if he came. He is my best friend afterall and I haven't seen him in like 8 years. Kaiti is inviting Patrick Swayze and his wife Lisa. I'm not sure if they're gonna come or not yet :)

Alright, time to work out. I am gonna sweat this week like I've never sweated before.

We have a date

2009-02-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update: Kaiti and I went to Mt Vernon yesterday and it was stunning. So, Mt Vernon it is. Our official date is set for OCTOBER 3RD,2009. Hopefully everyone can make it. It'd really mean alot. You are all invited.

Dear Kaiti

2009-02-14T14:12:00.000-08:00

Almost five years ago you were almost killed in a car crash right outside my work. I have fuzzy memories of the day that it happened because I did not know you then. But fate brought us together and we have been going strong ever since. Thank you for being my very best friend. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing me to love you. Above all though, thank you for your patience. I am a real handful and I know that. I am trying to get better for you because I know you deserve the very best. I know I will get there. You have been my rock and my heart for the past 4 years. Although we have had some rocky times, we have always gotten through them together. Please remember that I love you wholeheartedly yesterday, today and forever. I can't wait for our wedding day. Nothing is better to me than laying in bed with my favorite girl, running my fingers through your hair and massaging your hip as we fall asleep. You're the reason I wake up. You're the reason I smile, cry and laugh. It's crazy to think back to that day and wonder where my life would be at this point had I never met you or had you died. I like to say that where your life nearly ended, ours began. I am so grateful for you. Everyday I am thankful. You are my strength and my heart and I will continue to do right for you and protect you. Thank you for our beautiful children. They are so perfect and they are a direct reflection of you. You are a great mother and our babies love you so much. Thank you for everything baby. Although I have saved your life several times, it was truly you who has saved mine. I love you Kaiti-bean. Happy Valentines Day.

Love forever,
Micah

We may have found the place

2009-02-11T20:42:00.001-08:00

We're not sure yet, but I'd say we're pretty sure. We found a place in the mountains of Golden, CO that has so much to offer our wedding. It is BREATHTAKING. Surrounded by trees for miles and miles (which in the fall are going to be just perfect) and the best view of the Rocky Mountains I have ever seen. The place said that if we have our wedding on a Saturday between 8AM-4PM, they would waive the room rental fee. That's what I like to hear. I don't know how we are going to pay for everything but Kaiti's stepmom is being very generous and helpful in our planning. We won't have all the bells and whistles and we will skimp wherever we can, but I REALLY want the wedding to be special. I am only getting married ONE time, and fortunately for me it's to the most beautiful person I know. Oh, man-I'm so excited. We have been planning our butts off and October just can't come soon enough.

So...without further ado,

SAY HELLO TO MOUNT VERNON COUNTRY CLUB

YOU CAN SEE FOREVER FROM HERE

THE VIEW FROM THE RECEPTION HALL

HOLY MOLY LOOK AT THAT VIEW!!!!

Pause

2009-02-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

This working out thing was going pretty good until my weigh in yesterday. I had been going to the gym and working out at home and eating less and better and not drinking. I stepped on the scale and after that whole week, I had only lost .2 pounds. Ugh. I started at 187 and Kaiti said I should go down 15 pounds. But the more I think about it, I'd like to get closer to 200. But muscle. Not this belly. I think if I lost 15 pounds, I'd be scrawny and weak. I don't want that. I want to be diesel. I was doing my pushups on the Wii and I remembered how Josiah used to drop down at any given time and ask us "How many pushups should I do?". In any case, I need to lose this stomach, and work out my arms and chest until I can't take the pain anymore.

In other news, Kaiti and I went to our first prospective wedding site. It is a little chapel up on a hill called Three Trees Chapel. It was very cute and it had a nice view out the windows, but the reception hall downstairs was way too small. It was also pretty pricey. So, we keep looking.

As for the wedding, Kaiti and I have been fighting about a few things. She is a Catholic and I am not. Her religion says she can't wear a white wedding dress because she isn't a virgin. That kinda pisses me off. I have been envisioning her walking down the aisle in a stunning white dress with a long train and vail. She says she will wear ivory instead. That's like grayish isn't it? It drives me crazy. Doesn't the song go "Here comes the bride, all dressed in WHITE?" We'd have to change it to OFF-White. It's not the same. Then she thinks the guys should wear sneakers. What kind of wedding are you planning on, babe? That's something you do to be cool at your high school prom, not your wedding. Also, she is determined to have a stripper at her bachelorette party and I really feel strongly against that. I don't feel there is any place for that. It's nasty and if you feel like you need someone else rubbing there privates on you then you have no need to get married. I would never disrespect her that way.

I also feel like I'm the only one who's planning the wedding. I'm online constantly looking at wedding sites and reception sites. We don't even know our budget because she won't ask. There is no sense of urgency on her part and it hurts my feelings. It's like it doesn't even matter. Usually it's the girl who is all into it and excited but not in our case.

I have alot to think about. But for now, it's off to the Wii.

Progress

2009-02-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

So, that Wii is a real pain in my behind. Literally. I can barely walk. I've done about a half hour of exercises the past two days and I am down 2.9 pounds. My goal was 15 pounds in 2 months, but I think I'm going to smash that. I regret not stretching the first time though because I am having a hard time getting these cramps out. But, so far, so good.

Kaiti and I are looking for a place to get married and we just can't decide. We like Red Rocks, but they only allow you to use their vendors. That won't work for us because her cousin Tony is a photographer, her brothers restaurant can cater, her cousins girlfriend is a make-up artist and I was hoping Hannah would make the cake. So, we have to keep looking. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Kaiti is doing great in school and only has a few months left. I am so proud of her. I am seriously contemplating online schooling at The University of Phoenix for IT/ Networking or IT/Technology. I've been having a hard time because I really can't afford to pay extra every month for school and the few times I have attempted to get into school, the financial aid would only cover about half. That's great and all, but we're cutting it close as it is. Things will be grand when there are two incomes.

I may have to take the night off tonight because I had the hardest time ever last night getting up and down the stairs at the restaurant. There are about 35-40 stairs to get to the top. Getting up actually was alot easier than getting down the stairs. I need to remember to stretch. This morning I did 750 hula hoop twirls and ran a couple of times through the Wii park. It's great fun.

I need to go rest for a bit and try to get ready for work. Hopefully I'll be good to go.

Guess who's getting married?

2009-02-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, Ok... I have been very lazy with this computer thing lately. I just can't muster up the energy to go type. So much has been going on though so it's time for an update.

Kaiti and I consider ourselves "married". We have for a couple of years now. But these dull, scratched sterling silver bands just aren't enough. I really wanted Kaiti to know just how much I love her and so I maxed out a credit card or two at a jewelry store that was going out of business. 70% OFF!!!! I just had to.

We went to the mall to go look at dogs (because one day, I hope to own a baby English Bulldog). Sure it won't be anytime soon, but I love to imagine having my puppy to rassle with and to plop down with us when we watch a movie. The pet store reportedly had a baby girl bulldog and I wanted to go say hi. She was cute, but sick. She was shaking and her eyes were in the back of her head. Plus her price tag was $2600. That's a bit much. But it was fun to hang out with her. Then we took Kenzee to get her ears pierced because she has wanted pink diamond earrings for a long time. She says it would make her look "purfact". It broke my heart when they pierced them because she was clearly in alot of pain. But she got her pink "diamonds" and she loves them now that they don't hurt.

So off we went through the foodcourt and we ran into a blowout sale at a jeweler and Kaiti wanted to just look. I knew that deep down she really wanted a real ring. I've wanted to get her one for a long time but just couldn't afford it. "Nothing too fancy", she said. "Just one diamond on a skinny band". She liked the princess cut diamonds because the settings didn't stand too high off of the band. She had one picked out until she saw the price tag. She then moved down to the small diamonds and started to try them on. We left after a little bit and continued to cruise the mall. I made a quick dash to the jeweler as the girls shopped for girls stuff. I told the lady I wanted to get the ring but I wanted it to be a surprise. She seemed like she understood and was going to help me out with the surprise at first. As I planned out how to pay for the ring, Kaiti found me back at the jeweler. The jeweler lady very rudely told her to leave. "You can leave right now!", she said. But that tipped Kaiti off to my surprise. I paid for the ring but needed it to be sized from a 5 to a 6 1/4. The lady said it would only take an hour or so.

So, I caught up with Kaiti and she was convinced that I had the ring on me. I didn't and I kept telling her that I put a deposit down on it and would have to make payments. She searched me up and down and found no ring. Good. My plan was working.

Then disaster. The jeweler lady tracked Kaiti and I down in the mall and says, "Your ring will be ready in ten minutes."

"Thanks...."

So whatever. I go to pick up the ring, Kaiti knows I have it. Should I just give it to her? Nah. Let's make her wait it out. Kaiti doesn't like to be surprised. She peeks at all her presents at Christmas time and everything. She just can't stand the anticipation of wondering what something could be.

We had plans that night to go to a bar called Baker Street Pub. It's a nice place located in Belmar. They had a live band playing that night called "Kelli Said". Kaiti thought I had the ring on me and that I would propose to her that night but that's no fun if you already expect it. So, I had to come up with something. I gave the ring to her brother and as we left the house and were on our way, I said,"Crap, I left the ring at home. Let's turn around." She was a little upset but replied,"Don't worry about it. We'll do it tommorrow or something."

I pleaded with her to turn around but we were already close to the bar and she just didn't want to go through the trouble. She was convinced there was no ring. Good.

We walk into the bar and to my surprise, there is like 300 people there watching this band. Super. My brother in law,Zach, and his friend walked up to the band during their break and explain the situation. Very low key. Kaiti and I are enjoying a beverage and dancing a little with the rest of our friends. Zach pulls me aside and says they are cool with me proposing onstage right before their next set. So, we need to make our way towards the stage. Kaiti asks whats going on and why are we going up to the stage.

We tell her some silly story about how we're all going to go up onstage and sing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing". She loves the idea. She sang it at a bar with her sister a few nights before this and it's her new favorite song. We waited anxiously (me mostly). Finally the guitar player comes up to the mic.

"Before we continue, someone has something to announce. Micah, come on up here", he says.

Kaiti starts to come up with me and I tell her to hold on. "You'll be up here in a minute." She is so confused.

I look out on the crowd and I have never been so nervous in my life. I went blank. The whole night I knew exactly what I was going to say. Then I get up there and it's like...uhhh...uhh....

300 strangers staring up at me.

But I managed to get off a few things. I even quoted the movie Max Payne that I had watched the night before. "I don't know about heaven, but I DO believe in angels."

Corny. But c'mon. I got down on one knee and called her up onstage and she said "Yes." I went to put the ring on and it didn't fit. "Seriously?". It was too small by a large margin. But we kissed and laughed and she was mad because she was totally surprised. The audience clapped and whistled and we went on to have a great night.

As for the ring, turns out the lady at the jewelry store never actually sized it. She just wanted to make the sale. I raised hell and they gave me a lifetime warranty on the ring that would've cost me $120 that I didn't have at the time I purchased it. We got it sized and it looks beautiful.

Yay!!! We are planning on getting married this fall and I was hoping everyone would come. Maybe it could be our next family reunion?

Anyway, things are still tough around here but they are getting better. I am very optomistic about the days to come. I am drinking less and I am focusing on getting in better shape. Kaiti bought me a Wii the other day. It was my Christmas present from her since we couldn't get each other a present at the time. She also got me the Wii Fit that Abby seems to love so much. It's pretty fun but it's mostly convenient. Sure you can't lift weights with it, but it has alot of fun stuff and it definately wears you out. It has a journal that keeps track of your fitness goals and what you've achieved so far. The balance board that it comes with is also a scale so it keeps you up to date on your weight loss as well. All in all I really love it.

The sad thing is they have a formula that tells you your "Fitness Age", and I have a 39 year olds fitness level. I'm not sure what that means, because I know alot of 40 year olds who are in great shape. Kaiti however is 42 years old. (HaHa!!).
My workout begins today. I was supposed to be up at 7 to start and Kaiti kept trying to wake me up, but the Super Bowl was last night and I partook in a beer or two and I just couldn't do it. But I'm up and as soon as I'm done with this, I will begin.

It's very serious that i focus and do this EVERYDAY. I had my blood pressure taken at the WalMart on one of those do it yourself ones and it read 167/100. However, I think the thing was busted. I know I have high blood pressure but it's never come close to that. As I sat there waiting for the reading, the thing just kept inflating. It wouldn't stop. It hurt very bad, unlike anytime I ever did it before. I wiggled a bit and almost hit the stop button because I thought it was going to make my arm pop.

I'm still young though and I can right this ship. I've been doing alot better.

Oh yeah, just a quick note for anyone who cares, (Mom, you'll love this:)...

Willows mom, Nicole, is pregnant. AND, she is having trouble in her relationship. AND she is trying her darndest to come back to Colorado. Oh man. Life's a bitch ain't it?

Alright y'all, off to work out.

Here's to hope

2009-01-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have been absent for so long. I have had alot going on. I am working two jobs now, 7 days a week, trying to catch up. I have had very little time to do anything at all. I'm getting there though and soon I will be posting like a mad man again. I have missed you all though.

So, what's new in the world? It's a new year of course and I have a very good feeling about it. Kaiti will be finishing school and becoming the first O'Malley to get a degree (Yay!!!!). I'm not sure if she will continue her schooling or just get a job or maybe go to school while she's working, but they are building a new hospital across the road from us and it would give her a great opportunity.

Our holidays were great. Thanks to the parents and grandparents. Money has been tight but we are very blessed with generous family. I'm not one for presents anymore. I really just enjoy the holiday spirit and the atmosphere. But Momma dearest and David hooked me up with my very own iPod that I've been wanting FOREVER. It was no fun going to the gym with my CD walkman. Plus our car stereo doesn't work, BUT if you plug the iPod into it- "Voila!" It's a beautiful thing. I have all my pictures on it and like 800 songs, plus a couple TV episodes. I love it. Thank you very much Momma and David.

New Years was New Years. I really don't give a crap about New Years Eve really. As a recovering alcoholic, it's just another reason to get drunk. I had a few beers and a glass of champagne at midnight. I toasted to becoming a better father, husband, son, friend and brother. I've been doing very good. I'm not making any more promises about sobriety though because I think I'm jinxing myself. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

I'm also going to focus on my art again. I watch Noah draw and it's effortless. He spent some time with us over Christmas and Thanksgiving ( apple-turkeys and graham cracker house building), and he would just sit there and draw. He's a very brilliant man. I wish I had the money to back him and get him published. It may very well be the best investment you could make right now. I know his time is coming soon though.

I'm not sure what medium I will focus on because I love to paint, but I also like to just draw. And I kinda want to dabble in childrens books. Who knows.

What else.... O yeah, I gave in and purchased the magicjack. If you don't know what it is, it's a jack that you plug into your computer that gives you phone service for $19.99 a year. Not a month, a YEAR. It's pretty fantastic. The only thing I don't like is the caller ID is constantly displayed on your computer screen. So, say you're out in the living room and the phone rings, you have to go to the computer to see who it is. Not a big deal, but I don't really care for that part.

Madden turned 2 on the 1st. I really wish he wouldn't have been born so close to Christmas. I know Camdens birthday is on the 29th of December so thats gotta be even worse. What do you get for someone who just got everything? Very frustrating.

Anyway, I will try to post some pictures soon, or maybe even a video. I'm not feeling too hot right now. I will talk to you all soon.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T11:36:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas everybody!!!!!

She's home!!!

2008-11-24T16:11:00.000-08:00

Finally Kaiti has been released from the hospital. I picked her up around 4 o'clock and we were very happy to see our momma. They had no real answer for what caused the seizure. They had more test results that they were waiting for but they decided that because of her age and health that they could let her go. If they find anything in the results that are out of the ordinary then they will call us. She seems to be doing fine but her body hurts. Otherwise, she's getting around just fine. They said she can't drive for 6 months but I'm not sure how that's possible. We'll have to figure some things out. Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy the ol' ladys' company for awhile. I'll write more later.

I Love You, Kaitlin.

2008-11-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

I guess it's true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Or in my case, almost gone.

Today was a bad day. Kaiti and I had been arguing about something stupid and I decided to just leave. I had to buy a new uniform for work. I was gone for about an hour when I decided to come home. I was going to go get a haircut and pick up a few groceries so we could survive another day. But I didn't. I had to get home.

I turned on the computer and started browsing away, while Kaiti laid on the bed next to me. She was about to fall asleep for her afternoon nap when suddenly she sat up and said, "Oh, No."

I looked over at her and she was flexing her fingers and fanning her face. I was sure it was an anxiety attack. She gets them from time to time and they usually blow right over. So, I watched her and asked, "Are you OK?". She wouldn't respond to me. Numerous times I repeated the question, and every time I got no answer. "This must be a bad one", I thought.

She started to calm down so I laid in bed with her. Not more than a minute later she sat up again with this crazy look on her face and said to me,"I'm going to go to sleep now."

She fell off of the bed violently and began to seizure. Her body was stiff, her head tilted back, and her arms were flimsy. She shook crazily and made horrible sounds. Blood dripped from her mouth. I sat next to her trying to calm her down as Mari watched, crying her eyes out.

I ran for the phone and called 911. Tears poured from my eyes.

I had never felt so helpless.

I stayed on the line with the paramedics as Kaiti continued to flail away. With each motion, my heart broke a little more. Thank God the children were sleeping. Even I can't get over it.

It went on for a good 4-5 minutes. For the whole phone conversation. And then, she stopped. No pulse, no breathing. I felt her wrist and then her neck over and over but I got nothing. This is not happening. Then, a violent breath. and another.

And she began to snore. Her breathing was bad, but it was breathing. Long inhales, lazy, long exhales. I rolled her on her side so she wouldn't swallow her tongue and I ran my fingers through her hair trying to comfort her. Her eyes were still partially open and a blank stare looked up at me as I gazed lovingly and completely desperate into her eyes.

The paramedics showed up about 5 minutes later. Six of them stormed into the house and began checking her vitals. They confirmed it was a seizure and carried her down to the ambulance. She wasn't responding to anything she was asked. The doors to the ambulance closed and she was gone.

I quickly got Zach to come over to watch the kids. Then Mari and I got in the car and headed to the ER to meet up with her. I stayed for about 5 hours and they ran multiple tests on her. About an hour after she gained conciousness she started to come around. She had no idea what day it was, where she was, or anything. The doctor said he needed to keep her at least overnight to monitor her and do more tests.

So I waited it out with her in the ER until she had to go to her room. I layed my head next to hers and wrapped my arms around her as she fell asleep.

"I love THIS woman", I thought in my head over and over.

I kissed her lips, told her I loved her, and walked out the door with my head down. Tonight the hospital has my wife. Tommorrow I want her back. And I want her fixed.

I love you Kaiti-bean. With all my heart and soul. I miss you already. You know, I complain alot about how broke I am but tonight I realized what I really can't afford and it had nothing to do with money.

Sweet dreams beautiful. I'll see you bright and early in the morning.

I'll be the guy with the roses.

It's SNO-O-Owing!!!!

2008-11-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas is comin', y'all!

Blasted teeth

2008-11-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

Like most of the VanSciver's, I was blessed with chalk like teeth. Lately they are just killing me. My front teeth are fine and when I smile, you can't really notice the trouble in the back. My teeth are like the mouths version of a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back. Everything was going just fine and then all of a sudden I felt this crazy pulse run through my molar, up to my eyeball. The next morning I woke up and my gum was swollen. I have had many abcesses in my time, but the ones before would swell out and make my cheek swell and continue through my face until my eye was swollen shut. This one was swelling up the roof of my mouth.

I have been having enough trouble sleeping as it is because, yes, I am still sober. Last night was horrendous. I tossed and turned and got small intervals of sleep until I woke up having difficulty breathing because my nasal passages were being blocked. The right side of my face was in so much pain. Something had to be done.

I took a safety pin, heated it up to sanitize it, and jammed it through the bubble on the roof of my mouth. It began to bleed something fierce and i squeezed every bit of blood out of it until the swelling was gone. I rinsed my mouth out with listerine and drank a ton of water.

It was not pretty, but I have no insurance and couldn't afford to go to the ER or to have a dentist drain it. I missed work yesterday because of it and I can't miss anymore.

I don't recommend it to anyone, but the problem is solved now. For the most part at least.

As I mentioned, I am still sober. I am doing very good. The only problem is re-learning how to do things. Like sleep. It is wierd trying to fall asleep without just passing out. I have been drinking for over 10 years, and drinking alot. Now I just lay in bed until Kaiti gets sick of the TV being on and then I resort to the living room for the rest of the night.

I want to drink but I am keeping my promise. My cravings have gone down and I have been feeling better physically. I am still tired all the time and my body is adjusting a little slower than I hoped, but I am waking up in a better mood and feeling better throughout the day.

Thanksgiving is coming and I am pretty excited for it. I'm sure we'll be eating at Grandmas house, but I decided to adopt the apple turkey tradition this year. The kids will love it.

Christmas is also in the air and I am so happy. It's my second favorite time of the year. I can't wait to get a tree and decorate the house and all. I plan on loading up on all of the best DVD's and drinking a lot (of hot chocolate) and wearing Cosby sweaters. What ever happened to caroling? Nobody does that out here. It seemed so common when we were growing up in New Jersey. I remember our church would go do it every year. I miss that for some reason. The Christmas lists are pouring in and Kenzee wants this and this and this. Oh, and that too.

We are keeping it a little more on the minimal side this year because they are so spoiled by grandmas and grandpas and everyone else. It reminds me of when we were kids and Dad would go downstairs and exclaim, "He Came!!!!". The living room is just filled with toys. And though at the time it seems like you're doing good by spoiling them, it is too much trouble trying to find places to put everything. So, we're going to set a limit for each kid and stick to it.

In other news, we have been offered a house here in Lakewood that we could rent. It would be perfect but it is a little bit pricey. I have been dying to get out of this apartment for a long time now. This is our fourth year in this 2-bedroom hut and we just don't fit anymore. The house is huge though. It has 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 3 living rooms and is 3 stories. It has a full front and back yard. The backyard has a dog run, in case I ever get that dog I always wanted. Even though it's an English Bulldog that I want and I don't know how much he'd use a dog-run, it'd still be nice.

The house belongs to a friend of ours and his family. Our friend is being deployed and his parents want to move to Nebraska. They don't want to sell the house altogether and told us they'd like us to live there. The mortgage is $2100/month, but he said he'd let us rent it for $1800. Kaiti and I would take one room, the kids would get their own rooms and then Zach (brother-in-law) would get his own room. That leaves two rooms open. Right now I pay close to $1000 a month for where I live so I wouldn't mind paying the same for ALOT more space. We need one more person who is trustworthy and doesn't like to party. It's still in the early stages but I'll let you know.

Also, I am a bit late but as I said before, yesterday was a bad day. I want to wish Abby-Dearest a very happy belated birthday. We love you, sis!

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

2008-11-10T09:36:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe that my baby is 3 years old already. Time has just flown by. Soon, she'll be in school and then dating and before you know it I'll be crying my eyes out as I give her away at her wedding. But she won't be dating until she's 25 or so, so I guess I still have time. We had her birthday party at great grandmas. She had a princess cake and got lots of presents. She got new skates, a stroller with a baby, movies, and a bunch of other stuff. We ate Little Ceasars pizza and drank Big K soda because it's cheap, but delicious.

Kenzee isn't taking being 3 too well because we made a deal that when she turned 3 she had to get rid of her "Elmo cups". Her Elmo cups are sippy cups. It's time to move on to big girl cups. She doesn't eat very much of her meals because she always has that cup attached to her face. She was OK with it yesterday, but today she's confused. I guess she thought she was only 3 yesterday. Time to grow up little one.

After reading the Nielsens blog and following the links on Abby's post about the Nielsens, we had an idea to do a balloon launch of our own. McKenzee's great uncle and good friend, James, died on her birthday two years ago. So, after her party, we wrote notes on little pieces of paper and sent them to the heavens for James and his sister Kelly. We miss you guys!!!

Kenzee's great uncle James and great Aunt Kelly. This is a pointalism picture I drew for Great Grandma Mary after James died. Kelly had died a year earlier.

And to think they used to be babies. (Calix and McKenzee)

Long night

2008-11-06T08:49:00.000-08:00

Last night was miserable. I think it's the first time that I didn't work a shift that I was supposed to, and didn't come home and get completely drunk. I had taken a day off here and there and given up a shift just because I desired to get drunk.

I paced the house, started a book, and cleaned up a little. I sat in bed with Kaiti until about 1AM. Then I retreated to the living room so that I could let her sleep.

It's a terrible feeling. My throat quenches of thirst for beer. I drank water all night, until I decided to mix it up and make a pitcher of apple juice. I lay on the couch for a couple of hours watching tv and thinking.

I am trying my hardest. I will not give in.

Kaiti has been doing good at talking me out of liquor store trips and even threatening me when I ask for some. She has been my strength so far.

But I get cold sweats and stomach aches and I cramp up. It hasn't even been that long but it's like my body is so used to having alchohol in it that it's turning on me. My head hurts and I'm shaky.

Even this morning I wanted a drink. I never drink in the morning. I know it will pass.

I started rewarding myself with a blue star on my calendar for everyday that I don't drink and a black "x" for everytime I slip up. So far, so good. It's like Kenzee's star chart for when she does her chores or shares or eats all her dinner. Except I don't get to go to the toy store when I reach a certain number of stars.

My reward will be much larger.

Cigarettes are on their way out of here, too. What once was a pack or more a day (depending on my drinking), has gone to two or three cigarettes. I got Nicorette patches and I will start using those soon. I want to try cold turkey first. I don't want some patch pumping me with nicotine.

Anyway, thanks to some graciousness, I was able to pay my rent on time. That was a huge help for us and we are so thankful. Now it's time to tackle the other stuff. Not spending $20 a night on booze should help out quite a bit. I'm excited to see the difference.

If you haven't noticed, I've been writing alot lately as well. It helps keep my mind of everything. I want to upgrade my blog. I think I will soon. I want to make it look all fancy and use different texts and use lots of pictures.

Hopefully they allow me to work tonight. It would be a huge help to us. The Broncos play tonight so I would think it would be busy. We shall see.

Also, I have to go to my old restaurant today to reapply. I need a backup plan and although it's not alot of money, it could sure help. I want to get a different job all together, but with Kaiti's schooling it leaves me limited to what I can do. Hopefully when she graduates we can both work mornings so that we can have the evenings as a family.

I also applied for school at Red Rocks. I am supposed to start in January, but I have to work out a lot of the details. I want to go study Renewable Energy Technology. It seems like it will be a good career a little down the road. Especially with Obama vowing to spend a lot of money finding other options aside from oil. A degree is 61 credits, about 2 years I think. I'm still undecided though. I will keep you updated.

Anyway, I got to get up and start my day for real now. I will talk to you all soon.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!!!

2008-11-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

So, I go to work tonight ready to kick some behind and make some money. I was on a mission. Rent is due today and I am still short. I figured I'd make at least $200 and I'd be OK to write a check for rent at midnight. Then- like a brick to the temple, I get there and they have decided to close the upstairs of the restaurant. That's where I work 4 days a week. They say it's too cold and they don't see a point in keeping two bars open when they can't even keep one bar full. That's BS. The past two years they have been open and it stayed busy the whole time. The problem is that when the balcony is open, nobody wants to sit downstairs because they'd rather drink and smoke out on the balcony. Now that the balcony is closed, there are only so many places to sit. In turn, the whole restaurant stays full. My district manager doesn't see it that way. So, I lose my shift tonight, and he says tomorrow probably too. Where does that leave me? On the verge of a breakdown. I want to drink. But I won't. I fear this may be the biggest obstacle I've ever faced. McKenzee's B-day is Monday and I won't have any money for a gift. My rent is due NOW, and I can't pay it. My car payment is due Tuesday. I don't know how I'll pay it. My car insurance is past due and has to be payed by the 9th or it gets cancelled. It goes on and on. I am looking right now for a new job, but even if I got one tomorrow, I wouldn't get payed in time. I am a complete mess and I feel like I let my family down.

Anyone can dig a hole, but it takes a real man to call it home

2008-11-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

So, my soberness is coming along. But it's not coming along easily. I've been doing much better, but I am now willing to admit that I am an alcoholic. I just need to focus and find something else that will occupy my mind so I don't resort back to the booze. I want to quit so badly. It's just so hard. I had an easier time cutting drugs from my life. I guess I just see alchohol as 1. Legal, 2. Less harmful and 3. A good way to have fun at social events.

I woke up a week ago, Monday, and couldn't remember much from the night before. But I remembered that I drove to the store. I drove. Drunk. I swore I wouldn't do that, but my decision making when I'm drinking is terrible. After that night, I started feeling bad for myself. What am I becoming? I am feeling depressed alot lately and I just want to be left alone.

I am forehead deep in debt and my phone just rings and rings and rings. I'm at the point where I feel so overwhelmed that I just want the tide to wash over me and take me away. I feel like a big powerful elephant who has ten lions hanging from his flesh. He fights and fights, throwing lions off of him, but eventually- you see it in his eyes. He knows he has to give up.

Now, I'm NOT suicidal. Don't think that. Although on that same night I drove, I was mumbling rubbish about being suicidal to Kaiti. But rest assured, I would never do that. I do love my life and my wife and children, but this Chinese water torture of financial hell has me screaming "ENOUGH!!!!".

There is relief in sight. A few months away. If we can just stay afloat until then, then I am confident we can get back on top of things. Kaiti will be getting in the neighborhood of $2500 from school and I will be recieving taxes almost double that. We just have to keep plugging away and prioritizing.

As for alchohol, I want to make everyone proud, so I am really trying. I have been really trying for awhile now, but then I'll slip up. I get bored. I crave it and when a football game is on or something, I feel like I have to drink.

I know there are other things I could be doing. More productive things. Something that produces results. But I am exhausted all the time. My job is wearing on me. It is hard being away all the time. My hours are my biggest problem. Who WANTS to work until 2 in the morning? It's just that right now it's a necessary evil. It also keeps me sober.

Last night was hard on me. I couldn't sleep. I was sweaty, like a meth addict or something. I really just wanted a beer. "Just a six pack", I kept pleading to Kaiti, but she has been strong and insisted that I don't drink. I went to King Soopers last night just to walk around, to take my mind off of everything. I ran into a friend of mine. He was a regular at the bar but I hadn't seen him in months. He looked much slimmer than I remembered and seemed different. I asked where he had been and he told me that he was no longer drinking. Something about the courts are making him stay dry for 2 years. He said it wasn't a DUI or anything, but felt ashamed to tell me what had happened. So, I left it at that.

I have an honest desire to be sober for the rest of my life. To feel happy, and energized and motivated. I don't have those qualities right now, but I'm working on it. I did just get two new books from the grocery store (50% off- Sorry Barnes & Nobles). I got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy and "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire. I'll start them this week.

I may have to take up Hannah on her weight loss fun, too. I weighed myself because I've been feeling alot larger than usual, and I was 197 pounds. So, back to the workout room for me. I seem to lose weight really fast when I don't drink for awhile.

This week and next week are trying times for me and the family in terms of bills due in a small amount of time. If I can get through this without drinking, then that's a small battle won for me. I close the next four nights and hopefully I can make some money. Otherwise, we'll just have to let things take their course.

Anyway, I have to get to work, so I will talk to you all soon. I hope you voted!!!

GO VOTE

2008-11-04T07:41:00.001-08:00

It is so important that you all vote today. This is the biggest election of our lifetimes.

Presidential Dance-Off

2008-11-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: THEY HAVE DECIDED TO SKIP THE VOTING THIS YEAR AND JUST HAVE A DANCE-OFF FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

Childrens books

2008-11-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

So, I decided to start writing and illustrating books for my babies. Nothing big, but I think it'd be fun. I wrote my first one this morning. It's called "My Dads Got A Monster."

eh-hemm. Here we go....

My Dad's Got a Monster- who's giant and hairy.
Sometimes he's friendly,
But sometimes he's scary.

He hangs out alot and he tries to be funny.
But Daddy's friend "Monster",
Takes all our money.

My Dad's got a monster that takes all his time.
I try and I try
To explain that he's mine.

He makes my Dad lazy and he acts like a slouch.
When the monsters around,
They just sit on the couch.

My Dad's got a monster. He says, "He's so fun!".
But we want to hang out too-
We're your daughter and son.

When he's not working, the monsters a must.
"We want to play, Daddy!",
But there's no time for us.

My Dad's got a monster- He always brings drama.
He's rude and he stinks
And he's mean to our Momma.

He yells and he shouts and his attitudes grim.
He says it's the monster,
But we know that it's him.

My Dad's got a monster. He just has to go,
He's no longer welcome
Because Momma said so.

He's taking our Daddy, and we're making it clear.
You don't have to go home Monster.
But you sure can't stay here.

My Dad's got a monster... But he's making him pack.
Our Dad's a good Daddy
And we all want him back.

It's OK Daddy- Just try to be strong.
I'm sorry, my babies,
It was him all along.

My Dad HAD a monster that he bought at the store.
My Dad loved that monster,
But my Dad loves us more.

PLEASE VOTE NOVEMBER 4TH

2008-11-01T15:07:00.001-07:00

EFFIN IDIOT!!!!!!! WORDS CANNOT GO THE LENGTH TO DESCRIBE THE SICK FEELING I GET IN MY STOMACH EVERY SECOND SHE OPENS HER STUPID MOUTH. I WANT TO VOMIT WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF HER RUNNING THE COUNTRY. SHE IS ONE 72 YEAR OLDS HEART ATTACK AWAY FROM BEING THE PRESIDENT. I WISH THE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE EXISTED SO SHE COULD JUST DISAPPEAR.

HALLOWEEN PICTURES

2008-11-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

SO SAD THAT HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN THOUGH. WE ALWAYS TAKE THE KIDS TO THE MALL TO TRICK OR TREAT FIRST BECAUSE THERE'S A TON OF KIDS THERE AND IT'S FUN TO SHOW OFF OUR KIDS COSTUMES. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY HAND OUT THE WORST CANDY (DUM-DUMS AND JOLLY RANCHERS), IT'S A GOOD TIME. THEN WE WENT TO SOME TOWNHOMES BY OUR HOUSE. THAT'S WHERE THE KIDS STRUCK GOLD. CANDY BARS AND CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS AND CHEETO BALLS, ETC. WE ONLY STAYED OUT UNTIL ABOUT 8 AND THEN WE GOT HOME AND WATCHED THE REST OF GHOST HUNTERS LIVE. IT WAS PRETTY COOL. ANYWAY- I GOTTA RUN SO I CAN GET READY FOR WORK. I'LL WRITE MORE LATER. HERE ARE SOME PICTURES FOR YOU-

THE BOUNTY

MY PRETTY LITTLE TINKERBELL

TRICK OR TREATING THROUGH THE MALL

GREAT GRANDMA GOT THE TRICK OR TREATING STARTED

TRICK OR TREAT!!!

CHIK-FIL-A COW MAKES AN APPEARANCE

CINDERELLA, MEET TINKERBELL

PETER PAN, OR ROBIN HOOD (AS MOST PEOPLE KEPT CALLING HIM)

WHAT'S WITH THE FACE MS MCKENZEE?

ISN'T HE THE MOST ADORABLE LITTLE MAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

Over the weekend

2008-10-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

We had a pretty eventful weekend. Saturday was the halloween party and that was pretty fun. We didn't get to go to the Obama rally, but that's probably OK, since there were over 100,000 people there and I get anxiety attacks in that kind of crowd. On Sunday we had a big ol' filet mignon dinner. It was so good. Tender and juicy and wrapped in bacon. Mmmmmmm. Then we carved our pumpkins and ate pumpkin pie. What's better than pumpkin pie with some Cool-Whip? If you answered nothing, then you are absolutely right.

We've been getting into the spirit big time here. Watching "scary" movies and all. We LOVE the show Ghost Hunters. It's pretty cool. They are having a live special on Halloween night in some castle or something. I've been having trouble finding scary movies that are actually scary. So, this week we'll just stick with the old reliables. I like "the Stand", "It" part 1, "Blair Witch", "Sixth Sense" and oldies like "Amityville", "The Haunting", and "Halloween".

We still have to plan our trick-or-treat route for the kids. It is supposed to be perfect weather on Friday. They say 70 degrees or so. We still have to get their pics taken but as soon as we do, you will know. Here's some other pics for you.

Couples picture! Jonah and Jen, Kaiti and I, Andrea and Mike.

Lil' Mikey

Jonah and his "wife" Jen

Uhhhhh......

Yeah- it's the best I could do for $20. I'm not sure what it is, but it creeped everyone out.

That's MY beautiful Greek Goddess. I swear she gets more beautiful everyday.

I love these pumpkin carving books. They are so easy and fun.

Kenzee liked pulling out the innards. I hate it. In fact, I won't do it. It feels like wads of wet hair, like when I clean out the shower drain. Not my favorite thing.

Mari had trouble securing the stencil. We didn't have any tape, so we just used little nails. By the time she got started, her pumpkin looked like Hellraiser.

Here's me trying my best to be creative. Kaiti is actually the best pumpkin carver in this relationship. She blew through three pumpkins quick and they looked perfect. Mine kept falling apart.

Finished product. They look pretty good, I think.

2008-10-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

Halloween fun

2008-10-25T10:16:00.001-07:00

I really wish I had these videos. It was tradition to watch them over and over and over every Halloween in our family. These were two of my favorite. The third is the Great Pumpkin, but I have that one on DVD.

Tonight Kaiti and I get to go to a Halloween party at Mike and Andreas house. For those of you who don't know, they are the parents of Jonah's god-daughters, LaLa and Biscuit. Kaiti just went to return her costume for something else and I am going to be some guy. I don't really know how to explain it. It's a random mask and a robe. It was cheap. That's all that mattered. We wanted to match. Kaiti was going to be Dorothy and I would be the scarecrow, but the Dorothy dress didn't fit right. Then we were gonmna be Lil Red Rididng Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, but the dress didn't fit right again. We tossed out so many ideas that we just gave up. Let's just be "whatever".

It should be fun. Then tommorrow we get to go to Barrack Obamas rally and speech down in Denver. That will be fun. I want to take pictures but I don't think you can bring a camera. I'll double check.

Man, it's gloomy out right now and the wind is whipping through the trees and brushing the leaves around the parking lot. I love it.

HALLELUJAH

2008-10-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we went to the doctor to get Kaiti's ultrasound done and I am very pleased to announce that it is NOT cancer. The doctor says it is just liquid in fatty tissue. So, we can breathe a huge sigh of relief and continue with our lives.

We are still doing very good except we are arguing now about me getting a second job. Money is super tight right now and I think it will be until tax time when we get a little relief and catch up on everything. The business at my restaurant is slowing down considerably and they are cutting shifts. I usually work in the upstairs of the bar, actually almost always, and they are considering closing the upstairs on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. It probably won't take effect until January 1st, so I should be fine through the holidays. We just have monthly obligations that far exceed our take-home.

So I called my old work (Black-eyed Pea) and asked if they needed any help. They said they were in need of servers bad and welcomed me to come back in. I told them that I couldn't commit to anything and that I'd like to just pick up shifts whenever I could and that was mostly OK with them. Kaiti doesn't like the idea because we wouldn't get to see each other very much. That bums me out too but what else am I to do? I have to keep this family afloat through these times and I am willing to sacrifice everything to do that.

After hearing her be so upset, I skipped my interview with them today. It was probably a dumb move, but I believe they will take me back whenever I want, so I can always go back.

Today I spent a few hours in the DMV. It's probably the most stressful thing to me. I have very little patience and when you get your number it becomes a game. I looked at my number. #73. Ok- don't look at the screen yet, don't look up. I say a little prayer and hope the counter says, "Now Serving: 72." Like powerball or something. Please let my number match....

"Now Serving:48"

D'oh!!! Ok, it should go by quickly. It's not the big DMV, just a little place in Golden. One hour later- "Now Serving: 52".

I can't help but think of Dane Cooks standup:

I went to the DMV, or as I like to call it, "Satan's A**hole". And you go, "I'm gonna go early. I'm gonna get there at 6:01". You get there and there's people like sleeping in sleeping bags outside, 400 people waiting. Nobody's talking either. Everyone's just standing there... everybody's dead quiet. But you know everybody's thinking the same thing.... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Go!!!! Go!!!!! You know what they should do? When you go, they should have someone just hiding and just punch you in the face. At least then you could be like, "I guess waitings not that bad after that punch in the face". In the year 3000 everything will be instant. Everything. Just get into a teleporter and, "Bye!". But the DMV will still take like 9 *bleepin* seconds.

Anyway- I got it done. I now have a CO drivers license. YAY!!!

I am also proud to announce that I voted today. Thank you, thank you. I hope that ALL of you get out and vote. This is a pretty important election and the country is in bad shape. Whether your vote is McCain or Obama, you should vote.

There were a few issues on the ballot that I felt pretty strongly about as well. Amendment-wise. Amendment 48 was a definite NO for me. It was the "Definition of Person" Amendment. It would make abortion illegal in all cases and even ban birth control. It was a woman who wrote the amendment too. Plus I voted for mandatory health insurance coverage to be provided by businesses with 25 or more employees, and against Colorado becoming a right-to-work state. There was lots of stuff. But I feel good that I did it and I even got a sticker.

Anyway, I'll write more later. The World Series is on. Go Phils!!

2008-10-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

This is a picture i took on the way home. Now, imagine being right there, about 60 degrees or so, the wind lightly blowing and the leaves tumbling across the street. Man, I love Colorado.

So, today we went to Littleton because they have a HUGE pumpkin patch and fun stuff for kids. It was so cool. I don't know if we just snuck in or not, but there was a $10 cover charge and we paid nothing to get in. That's just fine for me. The kids were so excited, It was me, Kaiti, mari, Kenzee and Mad-Dog.

I don't remember ever going to an actual pumpkin patch. I remember places that had picked pumpkins and all and you just went and picked already picked pumpkins, but this place was an ACTUAL pumpkin patch. It was like cutting down your christmas tree. It was SO fun roaming the farm trying to find a perfect pumpkin.

Kaiti liked this one. Mari ended up getting this one. It had green on it and it was a good shape, but I wasn't sure if it would be orange eventually or just stay green.

The kids wanted to get face-painting done and the girls who did it were pretty amazing. You should have seen some of the stuff they did. Expensive? Yes. But it's so worth it to me to give my children a memorable experience.

A marriage was about to take place and I just loved the atmosphere. It was so great to see all the trees changing color and the barn and the weather. It was just so perfect.

Mad-Dog is a demanding little man and as soon as he saw the horses he looked at me and said, "RIDE-IT". He LOVES horses. They're cool and all, but Madden LOVES them. He's a little cowboy in the making. He wears his cowboy hat and says, "Giddy-up, Partner". He's not even two. He just loves them, so I had to fork out the dough.

Mari is more my child than her mothers' so I take her with us everywhere and she got to ride a pony as well. Her mother is the problem for most of us.

Mad-Dog LOVED these Belgian horses.

They are the cutest this way. When we go through parking lots or whatever, they hold hands. So cute.

Kenzee was too scared, but Madden was a trooper when he got to meet Dora and Boots.

Doctors appointment and more

2008-10-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Kaiti and I went to the doctor to get her initial checkup. It was a very frustrating day. I wanted to go so that I could be in the room with her and hear what the doctors had to say and everything. Instead, I got stuck in the waiting room for almost 2 hours trying to corral two bratty children. I just about lost my mind. They wouldn't listen to a word I said and they kept screaming at the top of their lungs. It was very embarrassing and miserable. Anyway, Kaiti came out of the room, finally, and she had a bag in her hand and other paperwork. I was so stressed out of my mind that I just loaded the kids up and we left without saying a word to each other the whole way home. After we got home, I asked what had happened and she started to cry a little bit. At first they thought it might be something to do with her period until they felt it. Then they said they thought it was a cyst, until Kaiti told them about the pain she was having in her arm and armpit. Then they decided it was probably a fatty tumor. This was just stupid to me. It sounded like they were holding wrapped presents and just trying to guess. "Hmmmm...it's round, must be a ball- but wait, it's also soft.....maybe it's a pillow. Now hold on- it makes noises.... it's a....it's a.... stuffed...animal?" For them to suggest tumor or cancer without doing any sort of biopsy or ultrasound was a little premature and it set Kaiti off into frantic mode. So what do they do? They set an appointment for her on the 22nd! The 22nd? That's two weeks away, ma'am. If you are going to suggest cancer, then shouldn't we move this thing along, like NOW? It just doesn't make sense to me. So, since she is too young for a mammogram (doesn't that sound like a senior escort service?), she is getting an ultrasound in two weeks. I guess that's the best we can do right now. So yesterday, I took the night off to spend time with my so sad wife and comfort her. First though, I headed to Wells Fargo. I asked for the bank manager and she brought me to her office. I explained to her the situation and began to cry a little. "Please miss...you have no idea how much money that is to me and my children.... that's food for a month.... and I'm a single father...working day to day...and blah, blah, blah." I mean, most of that's true, but the tears were pretty fake. Anyway, she reversed all of the charges and I just had to put in the amount that I was short in the first place. That was the good news of the day. Then I hit up Taco Bell for dinner since neither of us felt up to cooking, and Taco Bell has this REALLY cheap menu and all. We rented a movie for the kids (Wow Wow Wubbzy) and a movie for us (The Happening- totally stupid movie, horrible acting, etc.) and called it a night around 8:30. It was pleasant, but then again, it's always good when I get to fall asleep with my little wife. We woke up this morning and we move forward. Life goes on.

That's robbery

2008-10-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

So, I officially hate banks. I understand that you shouldn't write checks unless you have the funds available, but you should also not rip people off at any given chance. So, I was a little short for rent, but didn't want to pay the late fee of $50 + $5/day on top of my rent, and I didn't want them posting that note on my door that's embarrassing. So, I floated a check to them on Monday. I was about $100 short or so, at least I thought, but it didn't matter because I worked on Tuesday and could easily make the remainder then and rush it to the bank on Tuesday night. My rent check has always, for the past 3 years taken AT LEAST 2 full days to clear my bank, so I felt good about it. I checked my internet banking and there was a list of 12 things that were "pending", but had been charged up until last Tuesday. Should've cleared by now you'd think. Anyway, I get onto the internet banking on Tuesday morning, at about 5am, and there it was. This big - $568.00 staring at me. So, how does that happen you ask? Well, after speaking with the phone banker, they explained it is Colorado law that they cash large items FIRST, regardless of the date of the transaction, and since they "may have been" expecting my rent check soon- they kept those items pending. So, they cleared the rent check and a couple other things and then they proceeded to hit me with $35 overdraft fees ELEVEN times. Each transaction that incurred this fee was under $15. PLUS- I didn't know this either- when you get gas with a Wells Fargo card.....it doesn't register in your balance except for a $1 charge, until about a week later. That's hilarious. It's so funny that I'm about to cry. Maybe it's my fault for not being Mr. Checkbook balancer but I expect that when I make a purchase, you take that out of my balance immediately. Instead, I get to go into the bank and raise hell. Besides that, my Norton Internet Security expired and now my internet runs slow as molasses and crashes constantly. Plus, Comcast is doing something with the phones and ours is all jacked up and we can't get or send calls from the house at this point. The customer service lady said she'd have to send someone out to fix it, and that it would cost US!!!! We didn't do anything!!! You pay for it!! Uggggghhh- Not to mention that we have Kaitis appointment today at 2:30 and I'm very nervous about that. Anyway, I have to get back to this wonderful life of mine and I'll update when we know more.

Happy Birthday, baby

2008-10-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

Guess who's 23 today? Oh man, my girl is getting so old. Today could go either way but I'm hoping everything goes well. Last night Kaiti was having bad pains through her arm and is very worried about the possibility of breast cancer, as am I. But I just have to believe that this is a false alarm. These things don't happen to ME, right? I don't know. Her doctors appointment is on Wednesday and it is at the county office, where it's free. Hopefully it can wait until then. If not, then we are off to the ER where we will accrue a massive bill that we will never be able to afford. Plus, I don't want to spend her birthday in the hospital.

I feel like crap because I have no money to spoil her today with gifts, but I gave her an IOU. She says she doesn't want anything, but I just have to get her something. I am going to take her out for a really good dinner tonight but that's all I can do at this moment.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for us and I will definately keep everyone updated.

Happy Birthday sweetheart!! I love you with ALL my heart.

Please be nothing

2008-10-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

We found a lump in Kaiti's left breast last week and it has grown. We're getting it checked today (I believe), and I will keep you informed.

Kiss your babies

2008-09-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

(Sorry, but this broke my heart yesterday while I was watching football. I can't even imagine losing a child, and watching Matt Bryant kick field goals with tears in his eyes and then blowing a kiss to the heavens was almost unbearable for me.)

TAMPA, Fla. -- Matt Bryant choked back tears.
A day after burying his 3-month-old son in Texas, the Tampa Bay kicker booted three field goals to help the Buccaneers beat the Green Bay Packers 30-21 on Sunday.
"I don't know what I needed today," Bryant said. "It worked out OK. Could've been better, but given the circumstances it turned out OK."
Bryant's youngest son, Matthew Tryson, was found dead at home in Tampa on Wednesday. It will be several weeks before the kicker and his wife learn the cause of death.
Bryant didn't practice all week, and coach Jon Gruden left it up to him to decide if he would play.
"The biggest thing for me, I wanted to honor Tryson's name," Bryant said. "I mean, I don't think it was very fair for his life to end so short. This is the best way I believe I could get out and honor him. I miss him and wish he was here, but he was here with me. He helped out."
Bryant kicked field goals of 23 and 36 yards in the second quarter. His 24-yarder, with 2:26 to go, finished a six-minute drive and put the Bucs ahead for good, 23-21.
"Today was his day," Bryant said. "It was all about Tryson for me. I talked with him, personally, in my head throughout the game. I just wanted to remind him that he's my baby boy and that he's with me all the time."
The Bucs awarded a game ball to Bryant, who has rebounded from a subpar preseason to play an important role in two of Tampa Bay's three victories. He kicked a winning field goal in overtime last week at Chicago.
"If you really knew Matt, this really puts a human touch on everything that is going on in the football world," Gruden said. "This was an unexpected situation. This family is in total shock, and he flew back after a funeral to make the game-winning kick."
Punter Josh Bidwell is Bryant's best friend on the team.
"He's proving right now, more than ever, that he's one of the best in the business. Regardless of his preseason and the struggles that he went through, this is who he is -- he's a gamer," Bidwell said.
"And he came out here and did his job for us, and I think it was therapeutic because he knew we were going to play hard for him. That was the message given to him, even when we were down, that we were going to get this done for you."

Fun with the family

2008-09-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Things are getting a little better than they were in my last post, but I'm still climbing up that hill. A friend of mine at the restaurant gave me $200 to help out, and another of my customers gave me a $110 tip on a $50 tab. So, that takes care of Xcel, plus the rest of the money I made that night will pay the car payment. Also, I won fantasy baseball this year so I will get another $200 this week. That will take care of the car insurance and the interest on the moneytree loan. Now I have to figure out a way to make rent in 4 days. It probably won't happen, but I am gonna do my bestest.

Anyway, as Peter Gabriel said: " I get so tired, working so hard for our survival- But I look to these times with you, to keep me awake and alive." So, Kaiti and I took our babies to a place called Mr Biggs. It's like a giant funplex for kids. We had old credits that we hadn't spent from a previous visit left over so we decided to use them up. The babies love it there. There's a huge ball pit/ playground that is lots of fun. There's also a pretend city there that has all kinds of little houses and stores to go in and play. There's a dress-up place, a jail, a kitchen, a huge sandpit, etc. So that was our day yesterday. It was lots of fun.

Today Kaiti and I, Ok- Kaiti- cleaned out the kids room and we donated a large chunk of there stuff to Goodwill. They have too much stuff and it's really in the way. Plus with Christmas around the corner and birthdays, they can reload, and we will actually have a place to put things. She had a great time cleaning all morning, I'm sure. I was too busy watching football. I'm terrible like that, but it's really all I ask for is that 1 day a week, I get to do nothing.

As for Kaiti and I, we are doing GREAT! Everything is like it was when we first met. There's a little spark there again and we have been treating each other good and following through on our promises to each other. I am so happy that things are changing because we really are a great couple and we complement each other. She is my very best friend and I am so happy right now. Hopefully things never change and then I can dump all my other girlfriends and just keep her. Just kidding. But if she's lucky, she may get a proper proposal here soon. Then we could have a big ol' wedding and everything. Oh man- I'm in love.

Here's some pics to show you-

This is Mad-Dog playing in the pretend prison.

Kenzee was getting dressed up and he was checking himself out

I'm not sure what kind of dress this is, but that's what she wanted to put on.

Kenzee, Mari and Momma taking a stroll at Washington park.

Madden playing in the ball pit.

And this ones for you Momma- Kenzee mid ballerina spin in her fairy skirt. She loves it.

Ok- back to football- I'll talk to you soon.

I don't know if I can do this

2008-09-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Waking up in the morning is usually a good thing. Waking up to your door being knocked down by Xcel is NOT. I knew my account was past due and I needed to make a payment soon, but I guess I ran out of time. So, I had to float them a check for $400, which I don't have. This is going to be the most trying time for me in a long time. Rent is due soon, and now I have negative money to start from. My car payment is due on wednesday, insurance is due Tuesday, Comcast should be shut off any minute now, I had to take out a payday loan and that's due on Tuesday ($300), I just don't know what to do. I am in REAL trouble. Why can't it be February? I have been claiming 1 on my W-4 all year so I have been overpaying on taxes to the tune of about $1300. That way, I get it all back come tax time, on top of the $4200 or so I usually get. I don't think I will be able to sleep until then. I am drowning and have no real prospect of relief anywhere in sight. The economy is definately getting worse. I am Effed. I can do without Comcast for a minute. Now, the kids..... They may have a stroke. Kaiti might too. As for the payday loan, I believe that if I go pay the interest on it, they will extend the due date. I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I make decent money, I don't do anything or own anything extravagant, I don't buy clothes or anything and we just barely scrape by. I can count on 2-3 overdraft charges a month, but it is what it is. Kaiti has 6 months left of school before she starts working, and it cannot come soon enough. For now, I'm going to have to go through my stuff to find things of worth that I can sell because there is not enough time left to make ends meet this month. I hate money.

Isn't life grand?

2008-09-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Relationships are crazy, aren't they? I just don't get it. This past week or two has been the most draining time in my life so far. Constant stress about money, and endless fighting. I just don't think she gets it. I pour my heart out to her daily and try to express to her how I feel and it just doesn't get through. This is a MARRIAGE DAMMIT!! What is it going to take? 50 Bloody 50. Not, "you get to do all the housework and pay all the bills and do everything and I'll complain about having a boring life." Yes, my love- Life is boring right now. It is always the same thing. She's bored, I'm lonely. So what. The number of problems that we have makes quite the list, but they are so stupid that it pisses me off and I wish Kaiti would just fix them. It's me or them. Now choose. What comes with me is truly more rewarding. This last breakup was the breaking point for both of us. I had had enough and decided to spend more time away from her and with co-workers and friends. The other night we all fell asleep at a friends house on a super uncomfortable pullout bed. It was me and about ten other people. Scattered across the living room. My friend, Stevie, was there and she had been listening to me mope all night and complain about my situation. She was kind, and truly listened to me. When we fell asleep, she started rubbing my back. I woke up the same way. Just light fingernails across the back. Soothing. It had been awhile since I had attention like that and it drew me to her. The next night, I called her to thank her for listening to me and being so nice. Kaiti overheard the conversation and unplugged the phone. That's what she does. She freaks out and accuses me of cheating and this and that, and I just look at her. We are broken up, first of all. Second of all, nothing like that happened. She tells me she didn't know we were broken up. No? The whole "It's over", or the fact that I sleep on the couch, or the fact that we don't say a word to each other, or the fact that you started asking permission to eat the food in the house. I thought it was clear. I'm not wearing a ring...hint-hint. Anyway, it turned into last year all over again, but this time the tables were turned. Now it was her crying and dying inside, knowing that there was someone else out there. Worrying every second of the day and feeling her heartstrings being snipped. It was not my intention to get this kind of revenge. I'm not like that. But afterall, it was proof that karma is very much a real thing. I'm just tired. I'm not taking care of myself these days because I get so depressed all the time. I just want to be happy.

So, we talk. And we talk. I tell her the Gods honest truth about how I feel, with a harshness that I had never before.

It's like she has some obsession with other peoples lives and doesn't spend any time worrying about her own.

She has been different since her sister moved here. Now she wants to go out all the time. Not such a big deal. BUT- it's out to the bar with her sister while I'm working all night. Sorry! I don't like that.

She has a couple of "friends", that I do not like at all. I wish they'd just disappear.

She doesn't care about my family, and in turn, some of my family doesn't care for her.

She is a large reason that I signed over my first born child.

She doesn't feel obligated to keep the place clean.

She doesn't feel obligated to take "special" care of me, EVER.

It goes on.

I'm not sure if it's just damaged or broken. I'd like to believe it's just worn a little. All of those problems can be fixed. I just wish they would be. I love the girl. Don't get me wrong. I am completely in love with her. She is MY best friend and I think she knows now that I am hers. She is young and dumb, but she is my love and the mother of my babies and my queen. I know there is so much that we can do together as a family that is priceless. I hate the thought of being a split family. It's the most miserable thing I can think of. I missed half of Willows life because of her mother and now I get to miss the rest of it. It never leaves the back of my mind. Every day I want to wake up with my babies. Every night I want to kiss them and get squeezes (hugs) before they get tucked in. I don't want to miss a single thing. As for Kaiti, I told you all a few blogs ago what my wishes were. I want to marry her and live happily ever after. But things have to change and she knows that. She has vowed to change and to prove everybody wrong and to make my family like her again. If she does, then I will 100% commit myself, but if they do not, then I have to go. My friends tell me that it's pointless to be with her because she will just continue to hurt me. But I think she is almost there. I know she has a heart and most of the time we get along great. I'd like it all to be perfect someday and I think that if I just try my hardest to keep making her happy, then the lightbulb will turn on and she will know once and for all that I am the one. She's almost there and me sacrificing being single and happy for a shot at being together with my family and truly happy is worth it. I've become very strong through these times. Plus, it's like the saying ( I know, I know- i just love sayings): A candle doesn't lose anything by lighting another candle. That's our case. Let's just make it happen Kaiti. I love you baby.

New post coming

2008-09-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Let me just figure out a way to say this.

Update

2008-09-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been almost a week, and I'm proud to announce I am still sober. Not even a taste. I don't care about that crap anymore. I'm still trying to pay rent this month. I wrote a check on Friday (Sept. 5th) at midnight, which is the deadline, and hopefully it doesn't go through until tommorrow. After that, it'll be smooth sailing for a couple weeks. I have all my bills stacked up, and I'm just gonna do my best to knock as many out per month as I can. I've been exercising alot too. I haven't gotten to the gym yet, but I have been making use of my boxing bag, weight bars, and Ab-Lounge XL. I'm detoxing right now, taking detox pills and fiber pills. Lots of water, etc. So far, so good. I really believe I'm done with the alchohol thing though. Thats not to say I will never have a drink again, but only when the time is right and nothing excessive.

In other news, Kaiti and I went looking for wedding bands and we got them picked out. Nothing too crazy though. It'll be awhile before I buy them because I still haven't properly popped the question. We clipped coupons yesterday and ended up with a huge stack of them. However, most of them are things that we never buy. So, does that really help, or does it just make us spend more money on things we don't really need ON TOP of what we do? I'm not sure.

Kaiti is doing great in school. She is the top student in her class and has only gotten three questions wrong, TOTAL. That's after 4 tests and multiple quizzes. Her school is crazy. They have to remember SO MUCH. I'd fail out. But Kaiti has been making me so happy. It's cute when I quiz her and she says big words, or has to tell me some long, complex definition of something and totally nails it. She was so worried about being able to remember things because of her head injury, but she is proof that you can do anything, if you put your mind to it. So, good job, baby.

Our car is still working. I just have this fear that it will die on me just because of my luck and I'll be trapped for four years with no car but still paying it off. I'll just cross my fingers.

Ummmm, what else? Football started yesterday, and the Colts got worked over by the stupid Bears. That hurt my feelings. I had to serve Bears fans all night too and I was wearing my Colts jersey. They heckled me pretty good. But, I one-upped them when I reminded them how the Colts beat the Bears to win the Super Bowl 2 years ago. That seemed to shut them up. Broncos play tonight. Who cares.

I don't know about anywhere else, but fall is in the air here. It's my absolute favorite time of the year. The trees are turning and it's wet and cold and dreary. It's still pretty dark for 10am, and I want nothing more than to lay in bed with a window open, smelling the brisk mountain air, covered in a blanket watching a rental movie or something and taking lots of short naps. But, I have kids. And they demand attention. I wish I could just set out a bowl of chips or something and get on with my day, but that doesn't work, and a friend said there probably was a law against that. I shoulda got a puppy. Speaking of puppies, I found a dog that was perfect for me. Well, I thought he was until I saw how big he would get. He was a baby Bernese Mountain dog. He was like a little black bear. Big ol' paws and those cute brown eyebrows that rottweilers have. I think if we do ever get a dog, it will have to be one that stays small. Kaitis sisters dog stayed here for like three weeks and it's a boxer, and he drove me freakin nuts.

As for today, it's my day off, before 4 straight closes (3-2am). I'm gonna try to go get a payday loan to cover the rest of my rent, and maybe even get some groceries. Then I'm gonna clean this house/pit. I clean everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. It just doesn't matter. It makes me think of that decoration in our kitchen in Mom's old townhouse on Teller. It said, "Cleaning your house while your children are growing, is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing." Man that's true.
After that....FOOTBALL!!!!!! Well at least until Kaiti scowls me and makes me feel bad about myself for watching football instead of spending quality time with her or something. That's ok. She's more important than the Broncos. Now the Colts....... Just kidding. Off to have my day. I'll talk to you all soon.

It starts today

2008-09-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake up in a haze. What happened last night? Where am I? You see, I have demons. Lots of them. I'm a complete mess and I can't stand myself sometimes. I'm not doing things the right way. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not spending money the way I should, and I don't prioritize. Some of it stems from my relationship with my wife. Some of it causes my relationship to be the way it is. My last post was the bottom for me and nothing has changed. I slept on the couch last night and woke up in a terrible mood. My back hurts beyond belief. I look at myself in the mirror and my reflection is not what I want to see. I am so down these days and I really need to get my life together. I say it all the time, but as soon as I open that first beer every night, I just make a little promise that I'll quit tommorrow. A promise that goes unkept. I keep telling myself I'll start getting in shape tommorrow, but I never do. I'm lazy. When it comes to myself, I'm just lazy. Maybe that's why my wife doesn't love me. Maybe that's why I'm disgusting to her. I don't want to be this "me" anymore. I have all the connections to be back in the gym for practically nothing and I have a ton of equiptment at my house. I just don't do anything. I lay in bed. Sad. Just counting down until I'm back at the restaurant.

I AM F#$@ING SICK OF IT ALL. Excuse my language, but it stops right now and right here. I am taking Micah back. Whatever it takes for me to be happy, I will do. Whatever it takes to make Kaiti happy, I will also do. I am tired of staring down at my frumpy stomach. I am tired of feeling weak and out of breath and tired. NO MORE BEER, PERIOD. I'm over it. No more spending hundreds of dollars every month to feel miserable and look like hell. I need to get control of myself and make myself better. For me. For my babies. For the love of my life. She may not care for me much right now, but who knows, maybe someday.

It's time to prioritize. Grab that big ol' stack of bills on the counter and strategize. Do whatever it takes. Live comfortably. Pay off these credit cards for good and never look at them again. Obtain a copy of my credit report and one by one, knock things off. Be completely out of debt (besides the car) by March '09. Get my credit score into the 700's. Get ready to buy our first house. Next year.

No more unneccessary McDonalds or whatever. Done. No more PPV. Downsize our living expenses. Drop HBO, get Vonage and kick Comcast phone service to the curb. Watch the thermostat and stop leaving the sliding door open with the air on. Do smart grocery shopping. Cut coupons and buy the best deals. No more free spending at Best Buy or cruising the mall for things we don't NEED.

Be better on gas. Don't just drive to drive. Open savings accounts and deposit small amounts whenever I can. There are so many things that I, WE- could be doing better that could be setting us up for a great future that we just aren't doing. It starts today. Right now. Right this bloody second.

You won't see this Micah next time so wave goodbye. Good riddance. I'll leave that part behind and get this Micah back into shape. I'll regain my shoulders and build my chest back. No more B Cup for me. I'll tear down this fat in my stomach bit by bit, until Kaiti can do her laundry on it. And I'll even get those "lines" from my waist down my pelvic area that Kaiti loves so much. My lungs will work. I will be able to run for miles, climb for days, and make love for hours (sorry:).
I will look good in my clothes again and I will look fantastic butt- nekked. My breath will be better and the ash tray smell will be gone. My mornings will be brand new and exciting, instead of miserable and unhappy.

I don't care anymore. I really don't. I have two choices. If you jump ship, you can either swim for shore or drown. I'll see you on the beach.

Odd Man Out

2008-08-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever felt completely alone in a crowd before? I have. Not even so much a crowd, but in my own house. I never feel wanted here and I feel like I just get in peoples way. I'm doing my very best to maintain a good attitude, but these past few weeks, I have felt very alone. I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong, but I wish I did so I could fix it. My life has become a very boring, sad thing. I'm so scared of being lied to and being betrayed that I have let fear consume me and I am having trouble forging a smile around my own children. Being me, taking care of her, is a full time job and it is the most humbling and least satisfying job there is. I just never feel appreciated for anything that I do and I do everything.

I just don't think she will ever truely know how much I love her and how hard I fight everyday, tip by tip, to make enough money to keep the lights on, or to put a few groceries into our fridge, or to buy her that new pair of shoes that she needs. I don't think she could ever know the hours I stay awake at night trying to crunch numbers in my head on how I'm going to keep a roof over our heads, and worrying profusely that I will let them down. I just don't think she understands how I feel about her when I look into her eyes, and she doesn't even know that when I get home from working for 11 hours a day, that I lay by her side for another hour or so instead of going to sleep and run my fingers through her hair. Maybe she doesn't realize that my heart truly hurts everyday for some attention and to just be noticed, or acknowledged for the work that I put into this family.

Above all else, I believe in family. Someone tried to tell me that families don't work anymore these days, but I refuse to believe that. It's this new uppity laziness that exists now that truly ruins families. It wasn't like that before. I mean, I wasn't around to actually witness the times, but I worked in a restaurant for 7 years that was 90% senior citizens. It always brought joy to my heart to see the couples in their eating, still holding hands. Some would tell me they had been together for 50 years or longer. I was always so jealous of that. I would always take time to talk to them and have them tell me stories about how they stayed together for so long, and it would always break my heart the day one would come in without the other because they had passed away. That to me is what it's all about. "Work." That's what they said. "It's alot of work, and alot more patience." It's like that saying, "Nobody said it would be easy. They just said it'd be worth it."

I feel like the best days are ahead of us and we make steady progress in our situation and we are trying to do things the right way. It sucks that we are crammed in this apartment, but lets wait until we can afford a house. Why move from apartment to apartment? It just doesn't make sense.

Lately, I've been feeling like the odd man out. There is no longer time for me. Ever since her sister moved here, she always has some kind of plans with her. Tonight they are at a party at some penthouse. And once again, I'm here with the babies. I love spending time with my babies and I know I'm very important to them, but trust me, it'd be nice if I could be important to her. There are so many things I would love to do with her and I don't know if any of them are ever going to happen. There just isn't enough time for me.

I wish I could take her dancing. Not to a club, but to a dancehall. And dress up all nice. I envision her in a beautiful dress with her hair down and me in a nice suit, and maybe I'd have a corsage for her or some flowers and we could spend the night having a nice dinner and dancing the night away, just the two of us. Or maybe something stupid, like a bike ride, or a movie. Hell, I'd settle for an hour in a plastic seat at McDonalds with a dollar menu dinner, just as long as it's with her.

I really want her to know how much I care about her and I want her to feel inside that I am truly good enough and that I will protect her with every ounce of power that I have. I really want to be noticed just once in awhile, and maybe touched once in awhile. I feel like a leper most days. I'm not sure what it's going to take, but I worry that she will never know. You know the saying, "You can't truly love someone unless you learn to love yourself"? That's not true. Because how can you love yourself if you don't feel loved? And then how do I love her so much? I really hope things get better than they have been. I'm a sad guy right now. Here I go with another quote:

"Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not the end."

And in closing, one more. This one I hold very dear to me because I have a painting I did in my entryway of me walking in the snow to work with my head down and eyes closed and it says:

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep- But I've got PROMISES to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

Have a good night everyone. I love you all.

Looky, looky....

2008-08-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

Guess who bought a car? That's right. Me.
Bad credit these days is a serious problem and I had to settle for some terms that were a bit steep, but all in all, I am a very happy boy. Let me tell you about my day.

We went out at around 11am to Freeway Ford because the lady Danica who was helping us told us she could get us financed. We get there and we get stuck with some man, Kevin, who is kinda just, blah. We waited and waited and waited around for him to give us the rundown on what we had to do to get into a new car. He came back and said the banks computers were down and we had to wait for an hour or maybe two for them to be back up. I think my credit report probably shorted the system. So, we headed out to Taco Bell for some cheap lunch and to wait for him to call us. Eventually he does and says the banks cannot finance me unless I have a co-signer or at least $1500 down. Since they appraised our car at $200, we were stuck. Here we were, so excited and picking out our favorite cars and imagining the possibilities and then... nothing.

Now, I know I have bad credit, but as of the last couple of years, I have been perfect with my credit cards and things like that, and I have been getting things paid. Give me a break.

So, I get a little bit angry and I head back to the dealership. I ask for Danica, the first person to help us (and a godsend at that), and ask her what's up. She explains that a few banks have recently gone bankrupt and most of the available financers are very cautious these days due to the economy. I give her a sad look of hopelessness and shrug it off and thank her for her time. She takes a few steps towards her office and then turns around and calls me back. "Hey Micah- come back here for a minute. I know what to do, but you cannot tell anyone I'm doing this."

She gives me a name and a number for a guy named Tim at GO Drivetime, and places a call to him telling him to put us in a car and gives him the thumbs up for us. We head down there and it's right next to our house. We tell him we have not much down but are in dire need of a car before ours dies on us.

They took our car as trade in and gave us, wait for it....... $1100.00 as trade. This was a shocker to us because nobody wanted it. NOBODY. We looked around the lot and I found a Mitsubishi Galant that I've been wanting for awhile. He OK's it, we sign some papers and go over some stuff and off we went. Waving that miserable scrapheap behind.

They gave us the CARFAX report on it and everything was clean. It has a warranty in case anything goes wrong also. Plus it only has 70,000 miles on it as opposed to the 170,000 that the Kia had. Brand new tires, perfect body, nice sound system, 26 MPG (decent), and runs beautifully. It's so quiet. Our car was like an amusement park with jolts at every turn and noises that belong in a haunted house. It gets detailed and waxed on Tuesday and we couldn't be more excited.

However, due to my poor credit, the car is gonna cost me $13,000, which isn't too bad and I actually thought it would be more due to the interest rate I would get. But thats OK. It is a necessary bill to have and having an auto loan on your credit in good standing can raise your credit score up to 100 points. That would do me good.

So, YAY!!!! I can drive now!!! I'm fully insured and feel very good about myself. I'm very grateful for Danica who was so sweet and helped us out tremendously to make sure my family had reliable transportation. It wasn't her problem, but she made it her problem.

Maybe it's karma coming back to me for helping that homeless girl. Yeah that's it. It's all full-circle, my friends.

Who's that guy?

Amen to that

2008-08-29T07:22:00.001-07:00

Did everyone watch that speech last night? I'm very optimistic about Obama and he nailed that speech. It's like a breath of fresh air.

Update of boringness

2008-08-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

I realize that I haven't written in quite awhile, but I just haven't really been up to it. Life has been its normal stressful self and I have been very busy trying to get some things taken care of. First of all, I paid off my license (finally), but I have been waiting a month and a half to recieve this license that they keep saying they sent. I called them and asked where it was because they told me it would be about 5 business days. She said she had sent it to the wrong address, but that was the address they had on file and she could not change the address on file, BUT, she could resend it to the wrong address again. She was extremely rude. So, I had to log onto the AZ DMV website, change my address, and pay for a duplicate license. Still waiting. I have been looking into getting myself a vehicle too. Our car is a piece, and it's not gonna last much longer. I found a place that won't rip you off and are genuinely nice and caring of your situation. They gave me a voucher for free credit repair software, some advice of how to raise my score without much trouble and told me to come back when I wasn't broke. The place is called Freeway Ford and it's "Troubleshooter Tom Martino" approved so I feel comfortable with that. They have pretty much assured me that they can finance me but would like something down, and our cars trade in value was $200. That's sad. So, we're gonna hold onto the little guy until it just poops out, because $200 for a car? C'mon.

On a good deed note: On our way home from the dealership we stopped at a red light and there was a lady standing on the corner. Stretched out brown shirt, dirt on her face and arms, raggedy hair and a sign, "$20 away from a hotel room for the night. Sleeping on the street, Please Help."
So, I honked, the lady came over and I handed her a $20 bill. She immediately began crying and thanking me with a shameful look in her eyes. I told her "Keep your head up." She folded up her sign and headed straight for the hotel. Some people truly need just a little help and it feels good whenever I can do ANYTHING for someone to help them, as I have recieved my own lions share in my life.

So, if you haven't heard, the DNC is in Denver this year and what a nightmare it is. Not so much in my neighborhood, but Denver is CRAZY right now. There are snipers on rooftops, millions of cops, the freeway is shut down on Thursday, and they have makeshift prisons set up all over. The security is staying in Lakewood in the Hampden Inn next door to my work, so we have been slammed with cops and such at the restaurant. I really wanted to go to the Pepsi Center to see Obamas speech, but you gotta be someone important or something. So, I'll just watch it on TV.

Kaiti and I have been having our issues again, but after a long talk, we are trying to make it work. Our issues by the way are completely stupid and it would be a real shame if they caused our family to seperate. She's bored and tired of not having a social life and being "stuck" at home with the children all day while I'm at work all night. Stuff like that. I know that must be hard to have no one to talk to or no real free time to go have fun, but believe me, I'm on the same boat. Kaiti is my best friend though and I'm content with just being around her and the kids. It may be because I'm older than her and I've done things, but most of my fun came when I was like 18. I had my first kid when I was 22 and since then, my life has been reserved for them. I drink here and there, but mostly here, at home. Our situation is a tough one but I am confident that we will be just fine. I just have to focus on reserving time for Kaiti and I, and finding a reliable babysitter. No more just hanging around the house when I'm home. Time to get out there and do something. Maybe when there is a new car that can get us places is parked in our carport, we will have more options. I'll keep you updated, but I know we'll be fine.

On a good note, Kaiti has started school. That was very important to me, because she always says she's a loser and all that crap. So I helped her study for her GED and then sent her on her way to get it done. When I got mine it was $30. It's $90 now. I guess thats not too bad when you consider it's like a high school education. Anyway, I know some girls who go to PIMA Medical Institute and they love it. So they recommended I have her check it out. So, she did, and on Monday, she had her first day. It was so cute. She came home with her big ol' backpack and she had homework and stuff. This is a step in her happiness. That's what matters to me. It gets her out of the house and away from screaming kids and lets her be able to socialize and do something with her life. She will be the first in her family, or the first O'Malley period, to graduate from college. It's only eight months long and it's only from 8am-12pm M-F, so it's very doable.

Anyway, not much else has been going on, but when I get some pics taken or something, I will post them, along with any updates.

Hooray!!!! They're home!!!

2008-07-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

Awwww yeah! I got my family back. They got home on Saturday afternoon, and it was just about time already. I had a coworker of mine take me to the airport to pick them up and it was wierd to see them again. I almost felt like it was the first time meeting them. It was only 5 weeks, but 5 weeks turns out to be a long time afterall. Maddens hair is all shaggy and Kenzee looks older and Kaiti is all tan and stuff ( She's got the coppertone baby butt, too. How cute.) Kenzee ran up to me and hugged me really good. I guess while they were making their way through the airport she kept asking Kaiti, "What should I say to Daddy when I see him?". She told Kaiti, "I'll just say, Daddy Daddy Daddy!!!". Madden just mean- mugged for awhile until I got him to crack a smile. I was all nervous around Kaiti because it had been so long. She seemed different at first. I didn't know what to say to her or anything. But after we kissed for the first time, we were right back where we left off. Anyway, I waited til Monday to post again because there was alot of catching up to do. It was so good to fall asleep with my wife again. It feels so much better than sleeping alone. Everyone at work was saying how nice it must be to have peace and quiet at home. Yeah, but not really. My peace comes from my family. They are what keeps me sane. The quiet was nice for a little bit, until you realize how alone you are. The kids and I wrestled on the bed for an hour last night and it was exactly what I'd been missing. They are so damn cute. Their legs are all tore up from mosquito bites right now though and it's pretty sad. That's what I don't miss about the east. The humidity and the never ending supplies of flesh eating insects. Anyway, I got alot done since they've been gone. At least I got more done than I could have if they never left. I still have a ways to go on these credit cards but I got one paid off and closed and now I have six more to go. I got the house looking mighty clean for the first time in awhile and I redecorated the dining room and the kids room. But the biggest accomplishment I made was paying off my fines in AZ and getting my drivers license back. Not that I have a car or anything, but if I did, I could drive it. Anyway, I gotta get back to the family and wife. Life goes on.

This is how I feel

2008-07-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C7J0z_R8n4

Madame Lou Bunch

2008-06-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, last weekend I went to Central City to work a beer tent for their annual "Madame Lou Bunch Day". It was pretty fun but I felt like I was in the backwoods. For everyone that doesn't know, Central City is a small town up in the mountains where all the casinos are. It missed being Colorados capitol by 1 vote. Thank goodness for that. The whole city is so old that if you were to see cowboys having a shootout in the street you wouldn't think anything was out of the ordinary. It's a pretty cool place though. All of the buildings are OLD, OLD, OLD. Anyway, Madame Loue Bunch is a historical figure for some reason, I'm not really sure why, so they hold an annual celebration where everyone dresses up as cowboys and mineworkers and prostitutes. It's very odd. They have bed races, which are pretty funny, and lots of stage performances. I was working the beer tent with my friends from Old Chicago, Holly and Chandra. I was hoping to make some money, but that didn't really happen. So, I partook in some free beer to make the day and the experience worth my time. Needless to say, I got a bit drunk and fell asleep at 5 o'clock, not to awake until the next day. Here's some pics:
Picture didn't turn out too well, but here's my next car. Just kidding. Mr. Bean.

Some of the "ladies" standing in front of the bed used for the bed races.

Break time.

My new best friend. Kinda the silent type though.

Oh man. These ladies stripped at the end of their performance. BARTENDER!!!

The Devil went down to Georgia, Hey so did my family!

How sweet.

This kid was so cute.

Partaking in a local beer, brewed by the mayor himself.

My tent. We also sold pink boas, tiaras and sherriff badges for the kiddos.

Anyway, all in all it was a fun day. I think Kaiti and the babies would enjoy it so we'll probably go up their next year.

As for my time alone, it kinda sucks. I miss my babies and my wife VERY much. I never feel like I get to talk to them enough and I am very lonely. I could go out with my friends but all they do is drink so I'd rather not. I'm trying to get this house clean and the bills paid so when they get back they'll have something nice and stress free to come home to.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and that is so true. I can't wait to squeeze my babies and give Kaiti a big ol kiss.

But for now, I'll just have to wait. I'm sure time will go by faster after this week, knowing that there's only one more to go.

Anyways, back to work for me. I owe, I owe, it's off to work i go.

Favorite movies

2008-06-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

This may be a short post, but it's something that means alot to me. Movies. Or should I just say, "Movie". Everyone has their favorite movie. Alot of people love many movies just the same. But there is always that ONE that you could watch over and over. Guess which one is Kaiti's? Lets see, a 20 something year old female these days. Could it possibly have Patrick Swayze in it? Is there dancing involved? Is it dirty? Ok. That's so unoriginal. So what does that mean? Are all the boys my age infatuated with Star Wars or maybe even Ghostbusters or Indiana Jones? NO. They are all great movies, but guys tend to move on. Yeah, whenever we watch them it brings back memories and we get a little soft, but we accept the fact that something wicked this way comes. MY favorite movie is called "Cinderella Man". I can't get enough of that movie. In fact, I'm watching it right now. If you haven't seen it yet, I encourage you to rent it, or even BUY IT. We are all family people and we know what it's like to struggle. This movie brings out every breathing part of your soul and lays it out on the table. As a man with alot of pride who has had to accept charity in his struggles, this movie breaks my heart. During the part where he's asking everyne for money so he can turn his heat back on so he can get his children back is all too familiar. The fact that he keeps his head down and apologizes to everyone for asking reminds me of myself. At one point, his wife and his agents wife are talking and they say,

Agents wife: "Can you ever stop yours? When he sets his mind on a thing?"

Mae Braddock: " I wish I could."

Agents wife: "See, I never know who it's harder on. Them or us. We have to wait for them to fix everything. And everyday they feel like they're failing us. But really, it's just the world that's failed, ya know?"

If you have a child, this movie will tug at your heartstrings. I like to look at myself as "James J. Braddock", the main character. He is my ideal role model. His nickname is "the pride of New Jersey". The movie takes place during the depression and it shows the struggle of life and trying to keep your family together during times when you can't afford to keep your own children. This movie makes me cry everytime I watch it. Everytime I see the part where he gets hit in his broken ribs or hits the guy he's boxing with his broken hand, it tells me, Just keep fighting Micah- keep fighting . I want everyone to watch it at least. Kaiti is yet to watch it with me because it doesn't interest her at all. But seriously guys, let me know what you think of it.

It's a sad day

2008-06-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!! Sorry I have been missing for a little bit but my internet got shut off temporarily. It's back on now, so I will be more present.

Today has started out as a miserable day. My babies and my beautiful wife have gone to the airport headed for Georgia where they'll stay for about a month. I knew this vacation was coming, but I have been dreading it the whole time. I know that most of you have been away from your loved ones for long periods of time, especially Abby, but we have never been apart for more than a week. Even when we were seperated, we still lived together.

I am a sad man this morning. Crying like a baby, I squeezed my babies tight and gave them kisses and told them how much I love them and how much I'll miss them. Kenzee understands what's going on and she is very comforting. She said,"Don't worry daddy, we'll call you every day." I hope so. Yeah, they are bratty at times and loud and they fight and they make horrible messes and poop on the carpet, but they are the best part of my day. The sweetness in their sleepy eyes when they wake up, or the way they curl up in my arms when I'm taking them into their room to go to sleep. The cute little things they do that make your heart melt. All of that is temporarily away from this house and held only for telephone conversations.

I always tell Kaiti that my favorite part of my job is clocking out and coming home to her. That is so true. We sleep awkwardly in our bed, with one of my legs twisted so that it fits between hers. It's really not comfortable, but its a little bit of security and a connection while we sleep. I can't even imagine spending all this time without her. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. We fight with each other because we love each other so much. Thats all there is to it. It's been almost 4 years and we are still very much in love. She is what makes me- well, ME.

Back when I was really screwing up with drugs and alchohol, I could have never imagined my life this way.

I didn't care about anything.

For those of you who don't know how we met, let me revisit it for you because it's really kinda cool.

I was working at my old restaurant when there was a huge car accident out front. A car ran a red light and smashed into another literally right outside the front door. Everyone went outside and it was just a mess. Ambulances, cop cars and medics taking people out of the cars and glass shards everywhere. I got up close and saw this girl completely knocked out inside the car. She was taken by stretcher and put into the back of the ambulance.

A couple months or so later, I was at work and this girl and her mother came in. I was in love at fist sight I think because I would flirt with her and tell everyone she was my girlfriend, even though I didn't even really know her name.

They came in like once a week or so to visit me and everytime I saw her I was just blown away. I conned her phone number from her eventually and we bagan to talk. Although, I was too shy to call her, so i just texted her.

We started hanging out and we decided to become "boyfriend-girlfriend". After talking, she told me about this big car accident that she was in right outside my restaurant. She was in a coma and hospitalized for a month and it turned out that she was the girl that I saw in that car.

So, we like to say that where her life almost ended, is where it truly began.

I love you Kaiti. More than you'll ever know. I'm going to miss you guys so bad but I know it'd be selfish to keep our amazing babies from their grandpa Jay and grandma Sondi.

I know they'll be back and I will look forward to that day. In the meantime, i am going to work myself into the ground so I can have these bills paid off.

Safe flight family!!! Daddy loves you.

Oh boy. I love the ER

2008-06-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

It's always fun waking up early in the morning to a very large CRASH!! coming from the childrens room. It's nerveracking because your mind races a million miles an hour like, "What could that have been!!?!!" So, we jumped out of bed and wiped the crusties from our eyes and ran into their room.

It was one of two things, I knew, for sure. Madden has been getting good at partially climbing out of his crib (which I've been meaning to lower) and I was afraid he had fallen out. OR, my sweet little Kenzee loves to pull the drawers out of her dresser so she can stand on them to reach the little TV that sits on top of it. I wanted to put those safety things into the dresser that don't allow kids to open them but they split the wood. So we repeatedly say "NO, Kenzee. That's DANGER. "
Anyway, when we got into the room, Madden was just fine, holding his bottle and looking down at his sister who was being trapped by the dresser. I quickly pulled the dresser off of her feet and tended to her. One foot was bleeding and the other was a dark purple color covering the top of her foot by her toes.

Every parent in this situation enters a frantic mode, like, "What to do, what to do?". You want to yell at them, but they are already screaming their heads off and know that they made a mistake. So, you just hold them and inspect the wound and calmly explain to them what happened and how it happened and try to calm them down.

Thankfully she was still alive. That was what really mattered. It could have been ALOT worse and she is a lucky little girl that she didn't have to find that out. The dresser is about 4 1/2 feet tall and pretty heavy, and the TV could have come crashing down on her little head causing some very real damage.

We packed her and Madden up and rushed them to the ER. Just a sidepoint: NO MATTER WHAT IS WRONG, WHETHER IT BE A BUMP OR A BREAK, YOU WILL BE THERE FOR AT LEAST, I MEAN AT LEAST, TWO TO THREE HOURS. She had X-Rays taken and all that stuff, and it turns out it's just badly bruised and her other foot wasn't going to need stitches (although the bill will most definately top the $500 mark). They cleaned her up and put a band-aid on her foot and eventually sent us on our way.

Thank God for that.

SO, while they are gone, dresser situation will be modified and TV will be put up on a tv stand on the wall, out of reach.

This is how I wanted to spend my morning, I swear.

Welcome, Ethan!!

2008-06-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else "Hip to the Hype?"

Let me just start by clearing a few things up. First of all, I'd like to welcome Ethan to the VanSciver blog world. It's good to have him here. The relationship that I have had with Ethan has been practically non-existant in the past and I have always wanted to fix that. Ethan to me is sort of a hero, but more of a myth. I brag about him to friends and show off his artwork, but have no contact to speak of with him. It's not that I don't care or that I'd just prefer to complain about it instead of getting in contact with him, it's just that I wouldn't no where to start. I admire the man, and think he is amazingly talented, and I look up to him as an artist and a brother. Hopefully, this is the start of something. Maybe I'll be inspired for once to do something with my artwork. Uncle Lauren wants me to do a portrait of Sophie, but I am yet to be contacted by him for the follow up. My life is a busy life. Alot busier than I'd like it to be. I'm not even doing something I love to do. I work from 3 in the afternoon- 2 in the morning. It's not fun. It's hard, as you all know, trying to be the provider and keeping lights on and food on the table. I wish I could do something with my art but I don't know where to start. I have also been able to rekindle a relationship with Amanda after all these years and that has been good. It's like a weight has been lifted. The only one left is Dad, really. I've had time to think about everything and I am getting alot older now and gray. Maybe I should move in that direction before it's too late. I'm more open now than ever. Whatever happened between our Mother and Dad was devastating to the younger VanScivers and we have been affected extremely. We have had to cope with some hard times that we felt weren't warranted, but we got through them and we are all grown up now. I mean, Jonah is 22 now. As we get older and we become parents and husbands and wives, we get a chance to see firsthand the hardship and the struggle that is involved in raising our little ones and keeping our better halves happy. It's not an easy task. So, maybe I don't know everything about what really happened, and really, I may just not care anymore. My mother is my hero. She always will be. She is the very definition of "strength". I dare anyone to say the opposite. You'd just be full of it. My father on the other hand was a hero to me when I was a youngin. I'd always look forward to when he came back from court and I'd run outside yelling. "Did you win? Did you win?" Or remembering my dad as my coach in baseball and how I always seemed to be on the AllStar team, whether I deserved it or not. He was a good man. He did make mistakes. I too have made mistakes. I, however, would not like to be punished for them for the rest of my life. I guess I have some more growing up to do. As for the rest of my family....I have to say how (expletive) impressed I am with you all. So much talent. I let alot of time go by without speaking to Jenna, Amanda, Hannah, Ethan and Josiah that it mades me sad. We are all so much alike, although we range from blue to red in societies spectrum. I guess we have our parents to thank for that. They made some good kids. I want to be closer with my family. I have realized my flaws and I am going to do my best to remedy them. I hope I get the chance and that next year, we can ALL be together.

Settling back in

2008-06-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a week since our return and we are settling back in to Colorado. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Colorado. It's by far my favorite state so far, besides the cost of living and all. I have a soft spot in my heart for Arizona though because it's always so beautiful. The same goes for Jersey, where I wish I could visit soon, but definately not for the same reasons. Merchantville is charming though. Camden, not so much. I would love to sit down at Vincents again and enjoy a delicious panzarotti, or take the kids to Aunt Charlottes. We should consider a Jersey family reunion sometime. That'd be fun. Maybe to see Grandma VanSciver and the cousins and aunts and uncles on dads side. Just a thought. Anyway, Kaiti and the babies leave again in 2 weeks to Georgia to spend some time with her father and stepmom. Kaiti has sorta recently rekindled a relationship with her father after a long time of not speaking and they have become very close since. It's been a few years now and they are making up for lost time. Her dad, Jay, and his wife, Sondi, are absolutely wonderful people. They take such good care of our babies and always have us in mind. They will be gone for three weeks or so and I'm very sad about it. But, I know Kaiti loves spending time with her father and he usually comes out here for the visits, so this time it's her turn. That means three weeks without my children or my wife. That sucks. I am gonna miss them so bad and may even break down sometime, but they'll be back. And I'm gonna surprise them. You see, Kaiti is an expensive girl and the babies aren't cheap either. So I'm gonna do an extreme makeover of the house while they're gone. At least I'm gonna try. I should have some extra money left over to do a few things without them being here. I'm not looking forward to it, but it's coming up soon and I just have to deal with it. Anyway, I was getting rave reviews from friends and customers about this movie calles "The Strangers". I was hearing it was the scariest movie ever and some people even said they had to leave the theater because it was too scary. SO.... I took my beautiful wife out and we had a chance to see for ourselves. Let me just say that I would not go out like that. There is no way I would have done a single thing the same way as those sorry pups in that movie. I don't want to spoil the movie for you, but it's a classic Dad movie. You know what I mean. Remember Dad watching scary movies? "Don't go into that dark room......Awwww he went into the room..." I guess you'll have to see it for yourself. I'm just saying, if I had a shotgun with a ton of rounds and the killers were like a 25 year old guy and two girls, one of them like 13 years old, I think I could hold up a fight. Anyway, I got your letter today Jenna and it was very sweet. The sentiments are shared on this side. We love you all and hope we get to speak with you all soon.

ARIZONA

2008-05-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

THE VAN SCIVERS

MAY 2008

All settled in back at home in Colorado and I am finally trying to go through my pictures and get them cropped and everything. Apparently we were having too much fun because we didn't take that many pictures. So I'll have to steal everyone elses. All in all, the trip was a huge success. First off though, I have to thank David and Momma for their generocity. Had it not been for them, this would, no doubt, never have happened. So-THANK YOU VERY MUCH. We love you. This trip was so important to my family and I for many reasons. Stress was building up and being able to get away for a few days and just enjoy each other really helped us out. Also, it was important to me that my beautiful wife got to meet the rest of my siblings and that my babies got to meet their cousins. I think everyone was impressed with each other. Kaiti had a great time and really enjoyed all of you more than I think she thought she would and the children had so much fun with each other that they wore themselves out playing every day. I want to thank you all for being so kind to my wife and my children and for taking her in and showing her a good time. And finally, I got the chance, albeit unexpected, to clear out the air with Amanda. It was good to talk to her about everything and rebuild that bridge because we were afterall, best friends for so long. I just have to accept the fact that people do change and that nobody is perfect. I learned to seperate people from their actions and to just let things go. It was bad enough at one point that I swore I would never talk to her again. But she is my sister afterall, and I do love her. Very much. I guess it was just me being so protective and defensive of my sister that once she rebelled, I felt helpless and decide to just look the other way. Life is too short though and I'm ready to move on. Also, getting to spend time with Josiah was a surprisingly pleasant opportunity. It had been so long since we had even spoke and I think it's because I was avoiding him because of the whole Helzberg Diamond thing and feeling so guilty for doing that to him. I swear if I had the money, he'd have it right now. I'll work on it. But the time that Jonah, Josiah and I had to hang out and play basketball and attempt that crazy shot out of the waterslide of death, just made me think of all the time that we missed. We have to start making up for that. So, I am all for yearly reunions. Maybe we could switch up the location here and there and maybe we could even do it in North Carolina one year. Maybe then, Mom could get that holy grail of pictures that has been evading her all these years. Anyway, it's time to get going to work, but I will post some pictures soon. I love you all very much.

KENZEE TRYING TO BE LIKE BELUE THE BEAR

It's almost that time.

2008-05-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Tuesday and we have but just a few days until we land in Arizona. I can't tell you how excited I am. Even if I have a terrible time, I really need to just get away, even for a few days. There's so much to do still and we are doing our best, but my work is seriously screwing with me and scheduling me to close every night leading up to Friday. I have closed 4 of the past 5 days (3pm-2am) and I have to close tonight and Thursday also. Terrible. Good thing I have a Kaiti to help get everything ready. I'm really just trying to make enough money to be able to feed the family at least when we're there. There's an expense here and an expense there and it just keeps adding up. It's very stressful. We need shorts and summer clothing and sunblock and toiletries and this and that and some of that other thing. Ugghh. I'm exhausted beyond belief and I would really just like a day to sleep, but thats not going to happen. I've been calling the airline and the hotel and the rental car place to verify reservations and stuff and so far so good. I just need to get some money to pay for the Super Shuttle to get all of us to the airport. $100 round trip, hopefully Noah and Jonah can chip in. Also I have to give Xcel and comcast at least something before we leave because I don't want to come home to no power. Oh yeah, so get this. Does ANYONE in customer service speak english anymore? What the crap? I can't understand a word they are saying. I called United Airlines and got some kind of camel-jockey who I swore probably had buck teeth or an overbite that just added to his terrible english. All I wanted to know was about the carseats and the birth certificates for the babies. He said if the babies were sitting on laps, they don't need a birth certificate, but otherwise they do. So, if I sit on Kaiti's lap, do I need ID? I'll have my eyes peeled for Iraqi's on laps. That'll be the first sign that this flight is not gonna go well. I also asked him what the situation was with carseats. Should I just check them at the counter? Or does Kenzee need to be in one on the plane? He was trying to explain to me that only children under 2 can be in carseats on the plane. Something tells me thats not accurate. But then, and this is the part that really confuses me, he says, she can be in one as long as the carseat is collapsable. COLLAPSABLE?!! Has anyone ever heard of such a thing? Wouldn't that be a real safety issue if your childs carseat was collapsable? He wasn't making any sense, so he tried to be all smart and snooty and said, "Yes sir, COLLAPSABLE. Meaning, it folds up." Yeah pal, I got it. I know what collapsable means. But there isn't such a thing around as far as I know. Has anyone ever been caught in a folding chair when you were young? I have and I can't imagine there being a carseat that would do that. Oh boy. Outsourcing is the problem with our country. It needs to stop. And to think the first direction on the customer service answering machine is "For English, press 1". Yeah right. Anyway, I'll see you all soon.

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was Mothers Day- and I hope all of you mothers had a great day. Sorry I didn't contact everyone, but I'm just not the phone type. So Happy belated Mothers Day to you all. It was a tricky one for me. See, my bank is still working on trying to get my money back from the credit card company, so I only had a whopping $5 in my account. Not much that you could do with that. I felt terrible because I really love to see my pretty little wife happy and I was helpless. I had a little cash, but only $30 or so and that doesn't even buy flowers on Mothers Day. So, I took her out to lunch at Jose O'Sheas. That was a nice start, i guess. But I couldn't help but feel like I was a bad husband. So, I had her drop me off at work, while she went to pick up the children and see her mom and grandma. She figured I was going to my work to hang out with friends and drink and she was not happy about that. But, c'mon, would I really do that? No, no. I love her way too much. I met up with my friend Aaron, who is a regular at the bar and a really nice guy. He knew the situation and offered to lend me some money so that I could do something for Kaiti. So, we went to the mall and I bought her this skin cream that she's been hinting about and really wanted. It was surprisingly expensive (almost $60). But that's all good. Then I went flower hunting. Believe it or not, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We made about 5 stops until I found a place that was both open and still had a selection left. Hello Flowerama!! I had the ladies put together a beautiful bouquet of white carnations and white roses. Really pretty. And of course I had to get the card. She called while I was on my way home and I told her I was still at the bar drinking and she wasn't too excited about that, but it was a big lie, so it's ok. Anyway, she walked in the door and voila, everything was set out on the table for her. She was very surprised and I think she may have been a little happy too. She didn't expect it at all. But she should know me better than that. This is my wife after all and I would do anything for her no matter what lengths I had to go. I also cleaned up the house really good and did all the laundry, put it away and everything just like Orion did. I guess great minds think alike. Then she went off to her brothers to get some time for her and I bathed and fed the babies and put them to bed. So, it was a good day overall and I really hope she enjoyed it. She's the love of my life and even though she is the most difficult woman in the world sometimes, I love her all the time. Happy Mothers Day baby!!!

Let me apologize ahead of time

2008-05-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

It turns out that children pick up on things really quick. Especially my lil McKenzee. I don't know where she hears some of the stuff she says to us, but she sure knows some bad stuff. I may have slipped here or there and used some foul language, but it's not like I curse profusely. The other day at Kohls she was chasing Kaiti around the store yelling, "I'm gonna tickle your boobies!" An old lady that was there says, "Nice parenting. She's really being taught good things." How ignorant is that? She'll (McKenzee) will walk up to me and out of the blue, say, "Dad? Where's my f***in' cup?" It just takes you by surprise because she's just this sweet little thing with such a dirty mouth. She was staying at grandmas last night and her grandma had a flashlight that made a smiley face on the wall, and Kenzee looked at her and said, "What the f*** is that?" Ugghhh. We're working on it though. Hopefully by the time we get out there she will have her foul language at bay.

I hate credit cards.

2008-05-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I hate credit cards. What a scam. I cut them all up six months ago and have just been trying to pay them off and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I had just enough money in the bank to pay my rent until, boom, one of my cards deducted $191 without my permission, leaving me scrambling to get money back into the bank to cover my rent check. I disputed it and hopefully I get my money back. I had planned to pay them in a week or so, but they just took it upon themselves to go ahead and make my payment for me. Isn't that illegal? Anyhow, my rent went through this morning and now I am negative in the bank, which I hate because it just goes more negative and I am stressed out of my mind. Hopefully it gets resolved. Anyway, my exercise is going pretty good, but my insides are acting all funny. I've been having pains in my stomach and bad cramping. My body is definately not used to this. I must have been severely backed up or something because my system flushed itself yesterday, BIG time. I know thats gross, but I think I may have lost 5 pounds. I haven't weighed myself yet, but I will on Monday and we'll see if that's the case. I am so ready for this vacation. I can't wait to see everyone again. I want lots of pictures. I just really hope everything goes well. I gotta go running now, so I will talk to you all soon.

Ok-screw this.

2008-05-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah right. It's modification time. That diet is simply insane. I just layed on the bed in pain, just needing some kind of REAL food. I didn't budge though. However, 3 weeks of that is unrealistic. So, I'm modifying my diet. It goes more like this now:

NO bread
NO beer
NO sugar
NO white rice
NO pasta
NO potatoes

That sounds more like the Atkins diet, but I need my protein. I had zero energy yesterday because I was eating a hippie diet. I swear I'll still lose the weight though. It'll just be smaller meals without the above ingredients. Plus, my exercise is going well. Today is day 2, but I've been busting my hump. 60 minutes on the treadmill, weightlifting, boxing and AbLounge. Also, my work schedule doesn't allow me to follow that diet because I am there and busy for 10-12 hours a day. So, if I stuck to this, I'd probably die from malnourishment. Maybe if the food even tasted good on this diet it'd be easier. I had to choke down the EggBeaters, while vomiting in my mouth periodically. The plain yogurt is just terrible. It's just like pouring old milk into a bowl and eating it. Even better is the crappy smoothie with no flavor. Non Fat milk, plain yogurt, unsweetened fruit and ice. MMMMM. That was just great. The 100 calorie pack of cookies is just too little too late. It's about 6 tiny cookies. It just makes you want to cry when you open them. Its like seeing a lake in the desert and then realizing it's just a mirage. So, screw this diet. I'll do it on my own.

vomet

2008-05-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

ps- Egg Beaters are not good. Not even a little bit.

I see your Celebrity Fit Club, and I raise you an Ab-Lounge

2008-05-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

Ok. Enough is enough. I am a fat man. Period. I'm not like Ethan or Uncle Lauren or anything, but I'm heading in that direction. Under clothing, I can hide it pretty well, but I know that my clothes don't fit the way I want them to and having to exhale to speak is a bad sign. So, after reading Abby's blog, I decided to get in shape myself. However, the Celebrity Fit Club program costs my brokeas* too much, so I went and bought the book for $11. Much better. That book by the way is called "Extreme Fat Smash Diet", for when you need to lose it fast. They say you can lose up to 12 pounds in 3 weeks, which sounds good, but I'm gonna exceed that by far. I have about 3 weeks before I head to AZ, so my goal will be 12lbs by that time. But I just know I will beat it. At this moment, I weigh 187 lbs. I would like to be around 170. So, starting in the morning, it is on like Donkey Kong. My schedule looks like this, (crazy Fat Smash Diet included):

Wake up in the AM

Have a snack (100 calories or less) (I bought 100 calorie snack packs today, so I'm good)

60 minutes of cardio at the little gym downstairs

Breakfast( 1/2 cup Egg Beaters and a piece of fruit)

Meal #2- 1 cup of fresh fruit

Meal #3- small salad with fat free dressing (Sweet Onion dressing from Subway...mmmmm..)

Ab Lounge time. (See, I bought an AbLounge for $250 about two years ago, and I still haven't used it. It just hangs out under the bed. Now's the time.)

Snack #2

Meal #4 1/2 cup beans, 2 servings of veggies.

Bedtime.

Now I know you are all saying, "How could you eat such big, delicious meals and still lose weight?"

Well, the answer is......

Ummmm- what the F are you talking about? That diet isn't even fit for an Ethiopian. However. It needs to be done and I will be living proof that it can be done. It is a 3 week diet and I expect it to be hard. It will be great fun. I will look like the guy from "Into the Wild" at the end before he dies, which by the way is a great movie, if you haven't seen it yet. Anyway, my goal is 170-175 by the time I board my plane. Wish me Luck.

Excitement

2008-05-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

So it looks like I'm definately headed out to AZ in a few weeks and I am SO excited. I have to get away from this frozen tundra for a little. I'm so tired of everything and everyone out here right now. I am sick of my job. I am so underappreciated, along with Jonah, because we aren't all flirty with our boss like everyone else. Jonah and i bust our humps at that bar and have so many regulars it's ridiculous, but all we ever get is crap from our boss if we make one little mistake. I wish I had a 9-5 so bad. I hate coming home at 2 in the morning. It wears on you like you wouldn't believe. Maybe I'll start looking for something else. Or maybe this vacation will reenergize me. I don't really talk to any of my friends from Arizona much anymore so I hope I get to see them still. I'm trying to think of all the stuff we need to do while we're there. Any suggestions? I just can't wait to get up and go. I have to get to work now though. I owe, I owe- it's off to work I go. Talk to you soon.

Hello again

2008-04-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

(sacrilegious? yes. but haven't you ever wondered?)

What's that you say? Where have I been? I guess I just didn't have much to say. But I'm back and I'll try to be more active on this blog. Not too much has gone on lately. Just kinda watching the world go by. We went to the zoo recently. That was good. I love the zoo because I like the polar bear when he swims. I think its the coolest thing ever. I've been working alot too. I am just swamped in monthly bills right now and it's driving me nuts. I have 7 credit card payments that I am praying will just go away someday. C'mon tax relief check. It's insane. But on to better stuff.... Turns out I'm going to get a small vacation next month. But I guess everyone already knew that. I miss Arizona alot, I just wish it wasn't so bloody hot. But it will be good to see everyone again. And Kenzee and Mad-Dog get to meet their cousins. How fun!! I was gonna try to get in shape for the trip, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm not a beast or anything, but I could afford to shed some weight. I'm very much looking forward to the trip though. It will be good for us all to get away for a few days. Hmmm, what else has been going on..... oh- we got the Supernanny book because Kenzee doesn't listen worth a darn. We made a rules chart and a reward chart with stars for when she does a good thing. We also are looking into getting a timeout chair or something. Kaiti wants to put tape on the carpet to mark an area off, but I think that's a tacky, awful idea. We'll see how that goes. We also got them a big ol' piggy bank for their allowance. Kenzee got to put some money in there today and she really liked it. Hopefully I can buy her way to cleaning her room and eating her dinner. Kaiti started scrapbooking today. She's been talking about it for awhile and I think it's a good idea. It'll keep her occupied and entertained and it'll put good use to all these pictures we have. After looking through Hannah's blog and watching Ace of Cakes everynight, we also want to start doing cakes like they do. It looks like fun. Hannah-if you're reading this, what stuff do I need to get started? We went to Wal-Mart today and that turned out ok for once. Usually I go there to get one thing and end up spending hundreds of dollars. Today I kept it at 40. That's success. We also went to Michaels. That place depresses me because I never have any money and there is so much that I want. One day though..... My drinking is still going pretty good. I'm not drinking any more, but I'm not drinking any less either. Just kidding. I'm still going pretty strong. I have drank recently, but it's not alot and it's like once a week. Thats not complete success but it's a start. You would have had to know how much I was drinking before to appreciate where I'm at now. I bought Cloverfield the other day, and boy, I coulda just rented it. If anyone has ever seen that movie, they'd know what I mean. Headache anyone? For the love of God, man, HOLD THE CAMERA STILL FOR ONE SECOND!!! Do you think anyone would've been as dumb as these guys in this movie? Not so much. That camera woulda been on the ground somewhere and I would have turned into Carl Lewis circa 1980. No, no. Not these guys. Hey, lets go climb some crumbling skyscrapers to rescue our friend while some crazy-ass monster blows up everything around us and the military is engaging in full blown war right out in the streets. Sorry, but I may not even save Kaiti if that were going on. I'd be out. Sorry babe. Keep up is all I'm saying. Alright, enough about that. That's all I have to say for now, I guess, and I'm sure you are all so glad to have wasted time reading it, but when life gets more interesting, so too will the blog. I'll talk to you soon.

Two posts in one day? And you thought I didn't care.

2008-03-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

So, I just got tattooed and so did Kaiti. I got Madden Jeremy around my collar and Kaiti got the babies zodiac symbols on her wrists. It was good fun. Just wanted to show it off. Oh yeah, and as for my movie review- don't watch Atonement unless you have no other choice. I guess it could have turned out alright but the beginning just confused me and was super boring and I fell asleep.

If I only had a canvas or two

2008-03-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hey there everyone!! Sorry, it's been a bit since I've posted but I've been a busy guy. This is the monthly race for rent where I try my hardest to make rent in a week. So far, so good. Anyway, I have some bad news. I slipped up yesterday and had a few beers. But I have forgiven myself and its back to soberness. It had been two weeks. Not great, but for someone who drinks everyday, it's a start. I kinda needed it yesterday, because it made me feel like hell and it reminded me why I'm doing it in the first place. I just hate feeling half-ass like I do when I drink. So, I apologize to everyone for the slip-up. However, I did get to do some painting yesterday(see picture). That was fun. It's a coffee table for my brother-in-law. I wish I had endless canvases. I would paint all the time. Everyone asks me why I don't sell my artwork. I think it's a confidence thing. Whatever I draw is just easy for me and nothing I have done has really been incredible to me. I take it as a compliment when someone wants my artwork, so I just give it to them. What would I even charge anyway? I wish I could make money off my art, but I just don't know how to do it. On to the next subject-Lori is out of prison and doing well. She was so happy when she saw her apartment. She sounds like a new person so far, but we have to continue to support her. I am getting tattooed again tonight and I am very excited about it. My friend Johnna is an aspiring tattoo artist and she has been tattooing me for free so she gets her practice in. She's pretty good and I trust her because she has been doing it for a couple years now and she has already tattooed me three times. I have to get Maddens name on me because it's just not fair that I have my other two children but not him yet. So I will take care of that tonight. I think Jenna and Hannah need a tattoo. (Just kidding. Like that would ever happen.) I have 17 I think, about to be 18. How fun. Oh yeah, and baseball starts today for real. I am so excited. I can't wait to get the wife and kiddos out to the ballpark for a nice afternoon together. So, yeah- thats about whats been going on in my world lately. I'll post new pics of my tattoos and I have other pics of rollerskating and easter coming too. Talk to you all soon!!!!

Pay it forward

2008-03-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

So today is day #8. Not even a sip. It's been very hard but it is something I know I need to continue with. The urges usually come around 5 o'clock and last for a while, but whatever, I know I don't NEED it. The nights have been better, though falling asleep naturally is a bit more challenging than just passing out. The days have been 100% better. This was the first weekend that we haven't stayed home in a long time. Maybe even since before McKenzee. This weekend was a good weekend overall, but it did have its dramatic times. Saturday morning we went rollerskating. Man. Rollerskating? I haven't done that since I was like 8. Kenzees friend Alexis had her birthday party at Skate City and normally I would've opted to stay home and send the wife and kids on their way, leaving me home to get my drink on. But in my efforts to get better as a father, husband and human being- I was all in. I didn't fall in case you were wondering. But then again, I was going superslow. The children were just flying around me and scaring the crap out of me. But I got to skate with Kenzee and that was good for my soul. Mari, who was forbidden to come by Lori, made an unexpected appearance. It turns out that Lori took Mari to an easter egg hunt and was arrested for public intoxication. I guess she also had warrants out for her arrest for fines in Denver and not attending her parenting classes from a child abuse case against her. This is a good thing though because it made way for two things. One, Mari was able to spend the night with us and have an actual easter with Kenzee and MadDog. Egg hunt and loaded basket and all. Two, this may be "rock bottom" for Lori. I believe you need to hit the very bottom before you can ever begin getting better. She has been in jail since Saturday and I'm not quite sure when she will be out. But she has exhausted her options. I'll get back to her in a minute. Anyway, Sunday was Easter of course and it was great. We had fun with the kids and it's always satisfying when you produce a good experience on the holidays for your babies, whether it be Christmas, Halloween or Easter in this case. We went to Great Grandmas for turkey and ham and all the fixings and it kinda reminded me of the days at Grandma VanScivers. Well, last night I noticed something had been bothering Kaiti. I asked what was wrong and she told me she was worried about her mom and what was gonna happen. This goes back a couple of posts ago, to where I said I was the only one who stuck up for her. I still do by the way. I explained to her that we are all that we have. The people that surround us whether it be family, friends, children or each other, we must love each other regardless. I saw that she was reflecting on the things she had said to her mom and the way everybody treats her and it clearly bothered her. Earlier in the day she had a conversation with her parents old friends and they were the very spiritual type. They told her to live life with no grudges and to do kind things all the time and in turn, life would return positive things to her. So, last night while we were lying in bed I came up with the idea to go clean Loris house while she was in prison. Just to give her a nice welcome home to let her know that she is loved. It was a much larger chore than we thought it would be. We knew her house was trashed, but the depth of the filth was deep. But, we got it done and if I do say so myself, it looks marvelous. We rearranged the furniture, because it was just kinda there and not in the right places at all, and we got picture frames and hung pictures of the grandkids on the empty walls. We broke out an old box of pictures Lori had stashed away and framed and hung them too. They were pictures of her brother James, who had passed just recently, pics of her children when they were young, pics of her with her mother from way back in the day and things like that. I think it's important to not have bare walls. We need to surround her with love and support and she must know that she is loved. She just has problems with addictions and we have to help her get better. We dumped all the alchohol in the house and hung decorations and made it all pretty. We also bought two stone garden walkway steps that we put on the wall. One says Live one day at a time and the other says Faith to light the darkened skies. This may all be for nothing, but we are crossing our fingers and hoping to get her better. As for me, tommorow will be day 9 and it's pretty exciting. I've been able to spend time with the people I love with all my heart. That's a high I can't get anywhere else.

Hmm, what to do?

2008-03-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I've got promises to keep. And Miles to go before I sleep."

Well hello again. It's been two days now without a drink, and I know you may be saying "whoopdy doo", but there haven't been many two days in a row that I have been sober. I work in a bar and all, and I am constantly being asked if I want a beer. But, honestly, whenever I go several days without drinking, I really do feel better. I feel more alive. Imagine what a week, or a month or more will feel like. The hardest days are going to be my days off and the nights I get off early. Luckily, I don't drink at work because I believe you shouldn't crap where you eat. I'm a sloppy, opinionated drunk and I'd most likely get myself fired. So, I have to find things to do to occupy me. Something fun. When me and Kaiti were seperated I worked out an awful lot, but I'm not quite ready to jump back into that yet. My body will be going through a recovery phase and I don't want to overexert (one word or two?) myself. I know because I did it before. The beating your insides take when you drink daily is brutal. For now it's eat less, but more healthy. I have to get to King Soopers for fruit cups and such. Things to snack on besides cookies. Drink lots of pomegranate juice and take my Mens One-A-Day vitamins. After a couple of weeks or so, my body will feel more energized and I will be ready to bust out my Billy Blanks TaeBo "Amped" edition. Screw the gym, if anyone has ever done TaeBo, they know. That's quite the workout. Plus I installed a heavy bag on my balcony so I can get back to boxing, and I have some free weights too. Until then, I think I may have to hit the library or something. But I think I owe them like 42 bucks. Overdue fees have really gone up. I mean, it's free to check them out and all. Otherwise, Kaiti and I have busted out the puzzles and have been dominating them. No challenge at all. ( Except when I get physically upset and mentally hurt and have to walk away for long intervals while Kaiti finishes them up). Also, I am a movie man. I watch EVERYTHING. Maybe I'll start my own Ebert and Roeper section in my blog. I still liked Siskel better. Hmm, good thinking micah. We'll start right now.

August Rush: It was alright. Except for Robin Williams playing the role of a Shredder-esque (from Ninja Turtles), harborer for musically gifted children, it was kinda cute. A child born to a couple of musicians is put into a foster home and decides it's his fate to meet his parents through the "magic of music". There are a few twists and turns and it's watchable. Plus Kaiti likes the guys accent. I'd give it two and a half stars.

That wasn't as good as I'd hoped. Anyway, back to work for me. I'll talk to you all soon. Thanks for the support. One day at a time.

So this is what rock bottom feels like

2008-03-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Another night, another fight. It was all starting to be so routine for us. Here's the schedule: Go to the store, buy beer and cigarettes. Sit on the edge of the couch slumped over and pound beers back. Watch whatever reality show is on that night. Small talk with Kaiti and head to the balcony every 20 minutes for a smoke. Chat a little more. Then, wham- start a fight. That is how the past four months have been for Kaiti and I. It didn't used to be that way. We used to get along so well. All the way up until that day. The day that crushed my soul. That part of my life is over and we can resume our everyday activities now. But something was lost on that day. Trust. Now a routine visit to the grocery store means she's headed out to cheat on me, but all she's doing is getting a gallon of milk. It's silly. Trust is an amazing thing. It's so important. A lack of trust will eat you up inside. Last night turned ugly. Everything was fine, but then I had to screw it up. I have gone from a social drinker, to an angry drunk. I love to get a rise from people. I want to argue. I really crave it. When you're drunk, you get somewhat of a pass from things you normally couldn't say sober. Things you probably wouldn't say. So I take advantage of that, I guess, though I don't remember half of what I say. It's gotten to a point where I'm starting not to know myself, or be Micah anymore. I'm stressed out in my everyday life and wish I could just be financially secure and not have to sell my things all the time, just to make ends meet. (Old habits never die). My children call me Micah instead of Dad. I know it's because they hear Kaiti call me it. They also call me Babe, so there's proof of that. But I take it to heart and believe it's because I'm never around. I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. My wife loves me. But I know she hates me too. I want to show her how important to me she is. I feel like everyday I am failing. I'm truly doing my best but it doesn't reflect on our situation. We constantly have an empty fridge, and each month I have to decide which priviledges to keep on and which to let disconnect for a bit. I'd love to go to school, but that will probably never happen. I've been so close a few times, but for some reason or other it has fallen through. I want my license. I want a car. I want to have food in my fridge at all times. I want to put clothes on my wife and childrens backs. I wouldn't mind some new clothes myself. But then, wham, all of a sudden, it hit me this morning. While I had my hand against my wifes cheek, brushing her tears away with my thumb and apologizing for being a complete ass again. It finally hit me. Enough is enough. No more alchohol. I have said that many times before, but usually with a hangover or something. I am out of chances. Who cares about clothes, or Cd's or whatever material things I can't afford. Those are just things. This is US. My wife, my children. Yeah, we just get by, but we have each other. I'm done complaining about not having this or that. I have wasted years and years of my life. It's time to get back to being me. Time to show my children how much I love them. Time to wrap up with my beautiful, sexy wife and hold her for the entire night and whisper how much I appreciate her. This is not going to be easy whatsoever. I am doing it though. Period. One day at a time. I haven't been healthy in a long time and it's time I feel alive. One day at a time. One day at a time.

I Brought You Into This World

2008-03-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

This may take a little while, so I apologize to whoever reads this. My wife and I got into a discussion tonight about our parents and it is abundantly clear that we do not mirror each others affection for our parents. Her father is her "Parent of Choice", meanwhile, my Mother is mine. Both of our families are torn between WHO is the better parent and for deserved reasons. Her mother is a bit of a mess, and it's very clear when you meet her. However, to me, she is a lifesaver. She was blessed to have a child put upon her, who was not her own. Her daughter, Taylor, Kaiti's older sister, had a child when she was (I believe) 16 years old. The father spoke little english and is not around. Taylor left her (Mari) with her mother and is enjoying her life as an UNDERCOVER single, childless 20 something year old. Mari is an amazing young girl who I have had the priviledge of knowing for the past 3+ years. She is AMAZING. Super smart, super talented and more giving than any 9 year old that I have ever met. (She had beautiful long locks, and decided for herself, to cut them off for cancer patient children). She donates when she can and I can see nothing but greatness for her. Kaiti's mother, however, is a drunk. Very much so. There have been times where we go there while she is watching our children and it is Mari who is watching them, while her mother is passed out in mid afternoon. Life has not been easy for the woman lately (she lost a brother and sister in the same year). But my argument is FOR the woman. Her name is Lori. She is overwhelmed. I know she has good intentions, however, she has a beast on her shoulder that I have as well. Its name is alchohol. Granted my beast is more of a monkey at this point, but I know the effect a beer has when you are at the edge of your line. This monkey for me will be taken care of soon. Anyway, Zach, Kaitis brother, has NO repect for the woman who bore him because of the upbringing they had and the way she lives right now. I argue with him all the time about it because I believe a mother is the singular most important thing in your life. No offense Dad, but.... So that brings me to my situation. After my last blog, and talking about how much I loved that life, though there was nothing fancy about it, I have never loved a WOMAN as much as I LOVE my Mom. Whatever happened with her and my father, I have more respect for her than you could ever imagine. To my sister Jenna and my brother Ethan, who were fortunate to get out before the storm hit the rest of us, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. Ever. That woman put her life and her health on the line because she insisted that she would not fail and she would not let her children down. I mean, put yourself in that position. I have taken my side in this but that is totally irrelavent right now. That was years ago. Had it not been for Candace Lynn Baker, some of us may be gone. She has taught me how to be a person and survive and above all, how to treat a woman. Nothing has ever been easy for us. It should have been, but for whatever reason, it wasn't. I am over it. I don't care anymore who did what because I am a grown man with children of my own and a family to support. My mother gave me the foundation and for that I am forever grateful. As for dad, man, that's still a little touchy. I don't answer his calls or send cards. He has offered his love and support numerous times. I do appreciate it. Trust me, I do. However, I have a bit of disrespect for him. He could have done it. I believe that a family should be together FOREVER. Maybe thats the excommunicated Mormon in me, but your children need you. Period. I was unfortunate enough to lose the first time, but it was not due to me. Yes, I'm better off this way, for sure. The reason we are on this planet is exactly this. Not just to procreate but to create as well. I love all of my children and would refuse to see any of them suffer. From 7 down, we have suffered. If you have never seen Candace bleeding from her high blood pressure with that helpless look in her eyes, then you know nothing. This is the love of my life. My HERO. She never let us down TO THIS DAY, and thank (whomever) for that. Finally she is happy and I thank David Foyt for that. That's a MAN. As for my father, I love you Dad. I always have and always will. I do NOT hate you. I may have, but I'm older now. You did what you had to do, and maybe the same misfortune will crash my party. But I am taking steps to prevent that. I will always remember the fossil hunting and your coaching in my days as a baseball player, PeeWee or not. You took good care of us during your time as our father and I am grateful. I guess I just would have done it differently. Either way, in both situations, they are FOUR. 2 Moms, 2 dads. We should love and respect them all regardless of what has happened. Sometimes the pull is stronger than the force. Life is just too short. We all know that. There WILL be funerals. I expect we will all attend and have positive things to say. Without these people, None of us would be here at all. My love is reserved for you all.

Shoot, why ya gotta be bringin up old sh**

2008-03-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my dear sis Abigail, it is now MY time to reflect.

As big of a hole that it was where we grew up, there is NO place else I would have rather spent my first 15 or 16 odd years of my life. New Jersey is instilled in me still and I will always miss those days.

I remember all the bad too, but it all came from good intentions. For instance:

Yes- our carpet had speed bumps (dangerous ones, too)- BUT Amanda was just trying to clean the carpets. I mean, who knew that mop buckets full of water would cause a wood floor to do that?

Yes-we did our dishes in our bathtub. But that's because our beloved father was gonna redo the kitchen for Mom while she was in England, but just never remembered to finish it. This is a double whammy too because it caused our ceiling to fall apart right above the landing and that was miserable and wet and soaked our socks. Just to add to that, I can't tell you how many showers I didn't take, just because the hassle of emptying the dishwasher, er,bathtub would have been, not to mention the wet food that was in there too.

Anyway, One Dirty Tree was a disaster, but I always said if I won the lottery I would buy that house. No way in hell I'd live in it, but I would own it. Not sure it's even fixable really. It's like Dane Cook said, "Paint rust any color you want, it's still rust." Anywho, the tree is gone now and it's sad to me. It was the mascot, if you will, for that house.

My sister Abby was talking about our neighborhood on her blog and what it was like for us growing up. The one thing she said that struck a cord is that the world just doesn't seem to be as safe as it used to. Maybe it's because we're older and wiser now and know what's going on out there, or maybe it's just the truth. I remember nights playing jailbreak with the neighbors all night. Or catching fireflies with old mason jars, or camping outside. The neighborhood seemed so safe but I think it was just so closeknit there that nothing mattered. I can remember the names of almost everyone I grew up with but can't remember names of people I see regularly. It was that kind of town. Good ol New Jersey.

I remember Ethan, before the Ethan we know now. The drummer from Toxxic Waste, the garage band with hits such as "Constipation Nation". The guy who would play the Mister Softee song on his keyboard out of the attic window just to watch the neighborhood kids get their hopes up.

I remember Josiah asking me, "How many pushups should I do?"

or Jenna having us help her stuff those envelopes all night.

I remember my sisters crazy obsession with the NKOTB, and how my brothers and I made a bonfire with their posters and all at a BoyScout camp.

I miss that stuff. I miss Milly watching over us and judging, and playing with the O'Connors, and getting refridgerator boxes from Fridgedaire to make armor suits so that we could all beat each other with sticks. I miss our back porch, thank you Ike. I miss collecting stickers from News Nook, or seeing how far I could stretch a buck at Philly News. I miss Brenton stomping out our hamsters (RIP Brenton). I miss the downpours and the flooded streets. I miss eating sh** at the jumps on my bike, and ballgames at the community center. I could go on. I miss it all.

Unfortunately, after dad left, we were forced to as well.

Not to say I don't love Colorado, because I do, but if I could just have back a few things that were left in Jersey, I think I'd be much happier. Like honesty, reality and Vincents Pizza and Panzarotti's. Hell, throw in CVS and Aunt Charlottes too, and while you're at it, a little Philly News and Market, News Nook, the Community Center and the Hendricksens front porch. It really was a good place, wasn't it?