Monday, July 27, 2009

Get it together

This last month has been awfully draining. I have come to many forks in the road and have taken the wrong one more often than not. After being clean for a little while, I slipped right back into my addiction. It's not an excuse for the way I've been behaving, but it is truly the reason. Alcohol makes me invincible. It's a great feeling to be carefree for awhile, especially when the stress of money and work press on my shoulders every day. I like to hang out at the bar with my friends and just let go. It's fun to me. But it's not casual drinking, and it's not in moderation. I can't keep it to a few drinks. I fill myself to the top until I can't drink another drop. This drinking has cost me a lot lately. A lot of money, time and most importantly, my wife.

I want to clear something up. This is MY fault. I have been sitting here thinking and thinking and it is clear to me. I love you all very much and appreciate your support but I need to say that I want nobody to have hard feelings towards Kaiti. I did this to myself.

Kaiti has put up with more than she's ever really had to. She is my best friend in the world and we have had way more good times than bad, but it's the bad times that stick out for some reason. We have been growing old together and raising our beautiful children the best way we know how.

She has always been there for me when I really need her and we make each other laugh. She's my support. My birthday was screwed up because I had to go and get drunk and run my mouth and hurt her feelings. I don't blame her for not wanting to be around. I'm a mess.

She's truly a good girl and I will spend the rest of my life loving her. I understand that she doesn't love me anymore because I'm not Micah these days. I don't know who I am anymore really. I am hungover as I write this. I don't even want to look at myself. I'm the reason we are seperating.

She wants some time away to get her stuff together. That's just the way it is. We told each other that it's not forever. Not yet. She said I could take her on dates and I could still make love to her. This has nothing to do with another guy. I just screwed up. Over and over and over. We are best friends and we will continue to be throughout this hard time.

I am going to AA meetings soon. I am awaiting a call from The Freedom Center to set up my treatment. I am excited to get well and get back to basics.

I want to get to know Kaiti. I want to show her who I really am and not put her through this hell. I want to get dressed up and take her out on the town or make her a nice candlelit dinner. I want to take her dancing. I want to show her that I can be a better man.

This is going to be a very difficult time for me as I fight to get clean and fight for my family and I appreciate everyones kind words. It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is.

It's not forever. Hopefully. I can no longer expect her to love me when I don't even love myself. But I CAN get better. I'm sorry for all the things I have said about Kaiti to you all. She's a great girl. Pray for us.

I love you all. Wish me luck.

13 comments:

Jenna Consolo said...

Good luck, Micah. And all my love. Adam and I are separated right now too, and I know how painful it is to wonder if your family will be together as it should. It sounds like you've done a lot of soul searching and are ready to make tough choices to choose something far more valuable over your addiction. Do you still work in a bar? If so, I hope you can find another job. I think married men do not belong in bars, especially alcoholic married men. Have fun at home with your family. We all love Kaiti and have no hard feelings. Maybe her act of tough love will be what saves you.

I love you. And Happy Birthday, a day late. I suck.

Saint Holiday said...

I am very, very concerned for your well-being. I love you.

Dad

YogaNana said...

You've always got all of our support -- but you knew that. I'm pleased -- relieved, even -- about this decision. Stick it out, my dear.

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Dee said...

You know I can relate to how your girlfriend is feeling...my hubby was an alcoholic for many years...we would fight most of the time...we were divorcing like every month...I can recall my hubby saying about a gazillion times, "When our son leaves, I'm leaving."...then one day things changed forever....Jesus came in the picture....the drinking stopped...the running the streets stopped....the focus got put where it should have been all along, on me and our family...when my hubby would come in each time from his drunken escapes, he would want to verbally fight...well, the very last time he came in, he came in and turned on the light and said, "You know you want to say something, might as well say something."...well, I pretended to be sleeping....when all of a sudden he pulled me out of the bed, covers and all onto the floor....I got up, went in the kitchen, got the biggest knife I could find, and turned around pointing it at him and said, "If you say one more word, it will be the last one you say."...I meant it....I had had enough at that point...he ran into the bedroom, threw out a cover & pillow & locked the bedroom door...moved the dresser up against it...the next day I gave him a choice...and that was, me and this marriage or the alcohol and the streets...happily he made the right decision, that was 10 years ago...he hasn't a drop since...Jesus had a hand in this one...He had been working with him for months...there is hope at the end of your tunnel...you have to ask yourself, How bad do you want it????? Dee

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